My ear is bleeding because I tried to shave it. Now I have to create some elaborate lie to tell ppl how I cut my ear.
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CASHIER: One ultrathin lubricated condom. That’ll be $3.25
DUCK: Can you put it on my bill?
CASHIER: That’s not where it goes, silly
ME: *slamming desk with fist* You’ll put this up over my dead body!
FUNERAL DIRECTOR: It’s a lovely headstone.
ME: It really is.
Microsoft: “Press any key to continue.”
Also Microsoft: “Well, except THAT one.”
“I’m just gonna go”, she says, with her finger hovering over the red leave button
– my 5yo, two minutes into her first zoom class of the day
My one egret is eating at the aviary. My food had a heron it.
And I’m not saying Big Foot is real or not real or bashing anyone’s beliefs. All I can say about that is if Big Foot suddenly shows up at my house, I’m not wasting time with photos. I’d just ask if he knows anything about plumbing or electrical.
It never fricken fails; I wash my car, and the very next day, I hit a pedestrian.
Her name is Virginia and she wants to write a massive check for your organization, but only if you add a ballet studio because she was a ballerina. Which is sweet, but you’re a food bank.
friend: i have no idea how some people have 3 kids
me: they have sex 3 times
I have a great poker face because I have no idea what’s going on.
Have we established if Joe has a legitimate medical condition with this “cotton eye”?Are we dancing our asses off to diseases,like assholes?
Just saw a boneless KFC commercial followed by an ad for apple flavored beer. Anyone remember when adults didn’t act like five year olds?
WAITER: Would you like some more bread?
SWORD SWALLOWER: No, but could you get me another butter knife please.
I should have been a cat, bc all I do is sleep and the rest of the time I’m just weird.
Allegedly naked and not afraid to dance in front of a large crowd.
Unrelated: Ambien is not candy.
Caught my son running a Google search for “adult entertainment”. I was mortified. We are strictly a Bing family.
Villain: We meet again, Mr. Bond
Bond: You don’t remember my 1st name do you
Villain: Sure I do. It’s uh..
Bond: C’mon this is our 3rd fight
my doctor just told me I’ll never be able to play the xylophone ever again in his office
I think High School birth control classes should just be forcing the students to watch videos of me taking my 3 kids to the grocery store
*Jesus, bursting out of a chest cavity, spraying the room with blood and viscera*
“My God, Johnny? DID YOU LET CHRIST INTO YOUR HEART?!?”
He said he absolutely would not hang Christmas lights today when I asked. Anyway, he’s almost done hanging the lights, they look very nice.
Why I update my apps
:-For the new features ❌:-for the notifications to go away✅
My husband texted me while I was at the store and asked me to pick up birthday candles for my own birthday, so guess who’s turning 33 instead of 38 this year because birthday candle numbers don’t lie
Ever notice you can hardly touch something that just came off a grill, but yet a fly can land on that MFer like its room temperature?
The English language lacks a word to mean “To make a spouse feel uncomfortable by aggressively cleaning the house around them”.
running away to greece is ok. sleeping with 3 men in one summer is ok. not knowing which one of them is the father of ur daughter is ok. encountering the 3 of them at her wedding is ok. only communicating through abba songs is ok. do whatever u need to do to cope.
Me: Ah, the elusive white penny
Cashier: That’s a button
Tinder: she casually drops being a swinger into the conversation
Me: ah yes, been there… I too have regular mood fluctuations
The anxious urge to say “no worries either way” when you are actually worrying both ways plus a secret third way