Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My brain: “safe place” or “safe spot”

My mouth: safe splot

Nurse: You can come inside now.

*Stands up*

*Dusts off jacket*

*Straightens bow tie*

*Fastens cufflinks*

*Ahem*

“That’s what she said”

Just pulled over for gas despite having 3/4 of a tank so I could gracefully get out of this Pokémon conversation.

[doctor hands my wife our newborn son] congratulations

my wife: do u want to hold him

me: yes [picking him up and gently cradling him until i start to cry] wow. he’s so precious

doctor: put me down

I’ve been single for so long I can’t even spell relionchip now

My daughter asked why I drink so much beer

I told her it’s because I actually have a condition that’s pretty unfortunate. You see, my body is actually not capable of producing its own alcohol

Wolves in sheep’s clothing. Wolves in human clothing. Wolves in short skirts and heels. Hot single wolves in your area.

When McDonalds drive thru say they ain’t got what you want but youre stuck in the line- is this the walk of mcshame?

They said no texting while driving but they never said anything about glassblowing

In the theater

Me: Haven’t you ever seen someone stuff their bra before?

Him: Not with tater tots
*pause*
Gimme some.

cats can’t give you covid but they would if they could

Having three kids taught me that I’m capable of so much more than I ever thought. For example, I can ignore all three kids at once.

Pizza rolls are shaped like little pillows because you’re ready for a nap after eating 50 or 60 of them.

I haven’t seen Criss Angel in awhile …. I have to say this is by far his best magic trick ever.

[Calls number written on my windshield with lipstick]

Hi, you left your number on my car. Who’s going to clean this?

I hate when a bag of potatoes goes bad because not only are the potatoes wasted but so are all the coins I have to put over their eyes.

[to an inflatable tube man waving outside a car dealership]
i feel like you’re overreacting. these are moderate savings at best

[after discovering wine] WHAT ELSE *hiccup* WHAT ELSE CAN WE DRINK AFTER IT GOES BAD

I just watched an ad for a stain remover in which they cleaned a pool of blood off a sofa and it seemed perfectly normal.

Got the trays mixed up after dinner at a Chinese place. Ate the check & paid a fortune.

Him: How was your day?

Me: Do you think my house key is sharp enough to sever a carotid artery?

Him: *opens four bottles of wine*

I refuse to clean my house before you arrive because it perpetuates our slavery to capitalism. Just kidding, I’ve vacuumed the attic in case you wanted to see our 15 year old baby gates.

Don’t bother giving kids a hard time for saying lol while they’re speaking if you came from an era when hardy-har-har was a thing.

🤣

I rode around the block on my bike for the first time in years and now I understand why Lance Armstrong took performance enhancing drugs.

Gotta be tough for the guy somewhere who has to say “yeah, she left me for Charles Manson.”

Her: I never take my eyes off my son. I hate how parents are so inattentive these days.

Me: [lifting 6 out of lion cage] mm hmm me too

If you call & I don’t answer, I’m not dead, I’m napping.

– Things I have to say to my mom

Husband: The kids shoes are wet from playing in the sprinklers.

Me: Please throw them in the dryer.

Husband: I don’t think we’re allowed to do that as parents.

Me: Their shoes, Craig! Not the children.

Airlines trust I can operate an emergency door and usher hundreds of passengers to safety but think I need step by step instructions on buckling a seatbelt.