My earliest family memory is of my wolf pack attacking and ravaging a deer. As always, Uncle Joe got the wishbone.
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When I put my mind to something I can procrastinate about anything.
My daughter has decided she now eats dark chocolate, the one treat I never had to hide because I was the only one in the house who liked it.
Nothing is sacred.
Good news everyone, the priest who took my confession is expected to make a full recovery
As I sail away from the Island of Lollipops, never to return, tears well in my eyes and I wave goodbye to each and every lollipop, the only friends I have ever known. “So long, suckers,” I whisper through trembling lips
“I decided I wanted to be a ninja so I googled “Ninja School”, followed the link and the page could not be found. Well played, Ninja School”
And that, Romeo, is why we usually try to take a pulse first.
Like seashell soaps, my Ferrero Rocher are decorative.
Play The Bee Gees loudly several times a day from your home so that if you have to kill someone the sounds won’t be unusual.
Joined WhateverCupid™️ and matched with a woman who said we should meet for coffee if I wanted to and if not that was also cool. No photo. She said to look for a woman slouched in the corner wearing sweats. It went ok. I asked if we should meet again and she said whatever.
Please, sir, my system. It’s very nervous.
*first year living alone*
Me: *runs out of bedroom on Christmas Day to find no presents* what
Scientist proclaim “This is our last hope” as they load cats into a giant old timey cannon pointed at an asteroid not hurdling toward earth.
[first day as a chiropractor]
assistant: all your patients are complaining
me: I mean…it’s my first day, I’m still trying to get the hang of it
assistant: ok, but do you really have to sing “baby got back” every time?
my youngest started kindergarten today and I cried but mostly for his teachers
Who names their kid Russell? Like hey kid you’re a noise. Look after your sister kurplop boing
me before coffee: ugh why is everyone shouting
me after coffee: okay yes I do see the fire now
Darth Vader: I killed three whole planets.
Thanos: I killed half the universe.
Voldemort: I uhh…almost killed this one kid like 7 times.
Everyone:
Voldemort: *shakes head sadly* stupid mother’s love.
“you added a trusted device” I trust all devices. If a device harms me I probably deserved it
The great thing about playing the trombone is no one knows if you’re good at it or not.
“As CEO of Tortoise Enterprises, this merger with Slug Corp is… Linda, where is everyone?”
“They all called to say they’re running late”
wife: I saw a baby on the way to work
me: how do you know?
wife: how do I know I saw a baby on the way to work?
me: yeah, did it have a tiny briefcase or something?
wife: what
ME: [grinding pepper onto my food]
IRON MAN: WHAT HAVE YOU DONE
Used dog shears to trim my split ends. This is a beauty account now.
[sees a shredded guy at the gym]
Me: cake tho
As a kid: I hope to one day cure diseases and be an Olympic swimmer.
Me as an adult: I hope to one day finish a bottle of shampoo and conditioner at the same time.
My dad lied a lot. I was 17 before I realized the ‘Silver Table Cat’ wasn’t a real species, and that we didn’t own a pet, we owned a toaster
When your band gets bumped off the set list by an acapella group you’ve been a choired
Navy: (subtweets)
Army: (helicoptertweets)
Why do we have to label everything? Idk… call me your emotional support bounce house for all i care
My husband just got all pissy because I put the empty glass “he was still using” in the dishwasher, and this is my villain origin story.