Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[trying to buy pants]
Clerk: Sir you need pants to shop here.

Husband: Why are you always talking to yourself?

Me: Because she agrees with me.

Also me, to me: Is he always like this?

When I was a kid, I had to walk uphill both ways in the snow just to change the TV channel.

Good questions to ask on a first date:

*Do you have any siblings?

*What was your major in college?

*Is that your original skin?

*Do you think the humans suspect anything?

*Do you prefer eating meat or souls?

*What kind of music do you like?

Etc.

Adult life blows…. Friends don’t even ask to see how fast you can run in your new shoes anymore.

I’m not good at quickly making up derogatory names on the fly, unless I’m driving.

I just finished doing a 30 minute workout – ten minutes looking for my glasses, 15 minutes squeezing into my yoga pants and 5 minutes on the treadmill.

Remember during the pandemic when we all put aside our differences, realized we were united under one common goal and, together, made the world’s most delicious cheeseburger?

“Alexa, homeschool the children.”

*concert*
Fleetwood Mac: thunder only happens when it’s raining

Neil Degrasse Tyson, at normal speaking volume from the back: no

Wife: Why did the little mermaid wear seashells?

Me: Because she was too small for D-shells.

Wife:………………….

Welcome to Sarcastic Club
Im sooo happy to see you all
Anyone know the 1st rule?
“Be less sarcastic?”
Ooo lets have this guy teach the class

Boss: You want another raise? We just gave you one nine years ago, what did you do with that money?

the first thing you learn to draw in art school is money from your parents bank account

Handmaid’s TALE not Handmaid’s Handbook

[tsunami approaching]

guy: RUN

me: wait why is the T silent

I’m at the age where I need at least 3 weeks advance notice before doing anything spontaneous

Whatever you say to someone, do it while slowly landscaping a tiny zen garden to really bring it home.

Is that a banana in your pocket or… oh wait that is a banana. Sir I’m with super market security. Please come with me.

Imagine if every Sunday all your friends decided to only speak in a foreign language. That’s how I feel during football season.

ME: *walks by to put anything away*

WIFE: [not even looking up from her phone] that doesn’t go there

If evolution is real then why aren’t hammerhead sharks nail gun head sharks yet?

That second remote is only useful for that one button on it which you push to switch from the first remote to the third remote.

Me: What’s the point if it’s not a little violent, dirty? I wanna feel alive. The blood makes me feel ALIVE.
Dentist: Please just floss more

Every time I think I’m failing as a parent my daughters are there to agree.

fondly reminiscing about the time i overslept for work by six hours and didn’t get fired

There’s a skinny girl inside me who is just DYING to get out.

She stole the last cupcake & then bragged about her metabolism, so I ate her.

Whenever you eat something that tastes awful you should always say “that’s disgusting” immediately followed by “here try it”.

The Rules

Doctor: You’re sick

Me: Yeah?

Doctor: *heelying away* But not sick enough

Me: Awww

I get Botox so my face won’t show people what I really think.