My earliest family memory is of my wolf pack attacking and ravaging a deer. As always, Uncle Joe got the wishbone.
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(Don’t) touch!
(Don’t) scream!
(Don’t) run!
(Don’t) fight!
(Don’t) pee here!
(Don’t) put that in your mouth!~ Toddler selective hearing
ME: “Personally I think it should be called a ‘fastboat’ instead of a ‘speedboat’ – ‘slow’ is also a speed.”
DATE: “I meant what do you think of the meal.”
Spring is coming – I bet the trees will be releaved.
In a dog eat dog world, the chocolate lab is the most delicious, yet poisonous of all breeds.
Sorry I’m late, I was waiving my hands at a paper towel dispenser that turned out to not be automatic.
I want an app for each website I visit. And I want all of them to have loud videos that play automatically. This is my ideal user experience
Dunno why mobsters are always threatening this. It looks lovely.
“my eye is up here”
-Illuminati pyramid
[family reunion]
Does this place have air conditioning because
[song ends, party becomes silent]
Grandma looks really hot
My youngest son’s dirty clothes sit on the floor, beneath the laundry chute.
I admire his hope that they’ll bounce up and swish down.
I was the most patient parent and then I had kids.
[having sex]
Me in my head: Oh yeah, she’s LOVING this.
Her in her head: This could have been an email.
octopus = 1 octopus
octopuses = 2 octopuses
octopi = 2 roman octopuses
octopodes = 2 greek octopuses
octo-potus = president of the octopuses
Friend: I heard you survived a heart attack
Me: Yeah. I owe my life to the big man upstairs
Fat Larry: *shouting from upstairs* You’re welcome
*Myself at the doctor*
Is this test absolutely necessary?*Taking my dog to the Vet*
Whatever test is necessary, spare no expense.
Truthfully officer, I wouldn’t have pulled over, if I known all you were gonna do is complain about my driving..
*phone rings*
Wife – “Quick! Pretend I’m not in!”
Me – *puts lipstick on the dog and watches Sleepless in Seattle*
Wife – “….””
after i eat lunch there’s a 1-hour window where you can convert me to any religion
There’s so much going on 😂😂😂
People used to laugh when I said I wanted to be a standup comic. Well, no one’s laughing now. Wait.
the only reason i’m gonna go to my 10 year high school reunion is to see if the kid that wore shorts year round is wearing shorts
Boss: *gives us company jerseys as a perk*
Me: Master has presented Dobby with clothes.
Heads up, cartwheels are my favorite thing to do hands down
“I wanna know who is responsible for this!”
-Me to my parents, while pointing at myself.
making it rain (CHEETOS) in the club (my bedroom)
Going to start a band called The Subtweets. All songs will contain cryptic lyrics that incite paranoia in the crowd.
When accused by a woman a man’s first instinct is to deny. We’re not lying, we’re just buying time to remember what you’re talking about…
When the police find my body naked and covered in chocolate, please tell them it was from a wildly kinky one night stand and not that I tripped over my cat on the way to bed with snacks
lower my casket into the ground and play “The Lion Sleeps Tonight” If you see someone not singing the Wimba Way part, kick them out.
[aquarium exit]
Excuse me ma’am, would you mind opening your bag?
I beg your pardon?!
OPEN YOUR BAG
*opens bag and reveals two penguins*