My earliest family memory is of my wolf pack attacking and ravaging a deer. As always, Uncle Joe got the wishbone.
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Most divorces are caused by a spouse eating potato chips while you try to watch TV.
Random kids playing in park. Their parents to each other.
explaining “the ring” movie to younger generations
me: so you watch this video cassette
them: a what?
m: and then you get a phonecall
t: oh please god no
“Everything’s fine,” the babysitter said into the phone. “But can I cover up the weird clown statue in your hallway?”
“Get out of the house, I’m calling the police,” the father urgently replied. “You have disrespected my clown statue and I hate you.”
Should the hole from my vaccination shot be beeping a day later?
I am never angrier with myself than when I realize I accidentally bought scented garbage bags
peak technology
No coroner will need to do an autopsy to see what I ate, they’ll just need to shake out my bra.
OK…so naked running…
Apparently this means running without GPS, music, and any other tech.
I wish I knew this an hour ago.
Oh, and send bail money.
I don’t trust any company that has a commercial with happy employees in it.
A psychiatrist is just a friend you pay to listen to your problems because your other friends are tired of hearing about them.
Parental pro tip: Take your kids to the mattress store at the mall and skip the trampoline park.
How single am I? I just took a jar of spaghetti sauce to 7-11 to see if the cashier could open it for me.
[black jack]
DEALER: 14
ME: hit me
D: 16
M: hit me
D: 23
M: hit me
D:
M:
D:
M: make it look good so my wife believes I was mugged
You can lead a horse to water You can leave your horse behind. Cuz your horse don’t dance n if he don’t dance then he ain’t no horse of mine
It’s bullshit that you can accidentally make a baby, but not something awesome like a soufflé.
The downside to being such a good man is all the s*xual excitement it evokes in my admirers. As such, I’ve had to create a series of automated messages in my DMs to deal with all the s*xy texting requests
[job interview]
“You wrote here your biggest weakness is not knowing what irony means.”
“Ironic isn’t it? Is it? I don’t know.”
Gallant is a goddamn psychopath.
David Draiman singing “Oh-wa-ah-ah-ah” in the intro of “Down with the Sickness”, but it’s just the sounds I make while trying to put on socks.
me: I’m going to build a time machine
him: *eating the last donut* what you gonna use it for
me: *eating the last donut* righting wrongs
The dry cleaners lost my freak flag.
birds can make their homes in tall treetops and soar at great heights and pigeons are like no thank you i will commute by foot to home depot
*me, absentmindedly patting my youngest child on the head as I walk by*
Him: Mom, stop using my hair as a paper towel!
Go hard or stay average
If only vehicles could be equipped with little blinky lights on the corners to alert other drivers the direction they wished to turn…
{1st day as a correctional therapist}
Me: you need to free yourself from the prison-
Inmate: *excitedly unfolds escape plan*
Me: OF YOUR MIND
Inmate: *sadly folds escape plan*
He just always looks at me like I’ve wronged him
