Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

if i had to do it all over again i would definitely take more evening walks by the pantry

Ladies, if he:

– is hairy
– has trouble communicating
– is 1′ 4″
– wears a deerstalker hat
– solves mysteries

He’s not your man. He’s Detective Pikachu.

*shaves, waxes lip, plucks eyebrows*

Okay, weigh me now.

I do want to see supervillain origin stories as films. But not the tragic event that forever warped their minds.
I want to see them, like, a few days after they decided to become villains and start trying to source goons, try out costume themes, real organizational stuff.

“Okay, try putting it in reverse.”

I used a maternity leave to grow out my bangs.

And that is why she will always be my favourite child.

“MAKE GOOD CHOICES!!”, I screamed from inside the cop car

ME[David Attenborough voice] Starting with the outer layers he’ll devour the entire carcass

HER: are you narrating yourself eating lasagna?

For lent I gave up eating random crumbs I find on my desk

Therapist: so… that’s not a metaphor? you literally live in a maze?

Minotaur: well yeah, I- wait is that bad? why are you writing

January 2020: New year, new me.

May 2020: *primal scream*

Forever 21 has gone bankrupt.

One more Forever that didn’t last.

Dear People who like me,

I appreciate every single two of you.

There are two types of women: the ones who buy cute new clothes for a trip and the ones who pack old stretchy leggings and tops expecting full well to gain 5 lbs in 4 days, of which I am the latter

A headhunter on LinkedIn wanted me to apply for a job as a bank manager. That’s quality recruitment work right there. Get the English major to run your bank.

I’m not entirely sure what numbers are. When I buy something, I just hand over an amount of money and hope it’s right.

What is going on here?

Is Rudolph using a magnifying glass to turn his nose into a raygun?
And who is the reindeer brandishing the cane?

Flooding- Blame it on the rain
Gluten allergy- Blame it on the grain
Ripped pants- Blame it on the gain
Forgot- Blame it on the brain
Selfies- Blame it on the vain
Lost karate tournament- Blame it on the crane

Me: *being romantic* Take you to clouds and leave you among the stars.
Her: okay, but can we finish the laundry first?

What if ISIS started claiming responsibility for nice things like when my mom says, “who emptied the dishwasher?!”

If you’re Harpy
and you know it
lay an egg

As a precautionary measure, the last time my mom asked me to help with her phone, I made sure to delete the Twitter app.

[vet office]
ME: *puts cat on counter* He’s sick
VET: How so?
ME: Look
*cat’s arranging magazines & gently tosses empty cup in garbage*

My husband gets so cranky when I come home from the pool with only a fraction of the kids I left with

Therapist: They are NOT antidepressants

Me: All I’m saying is I’ve never been less than happy while holding a taco.

Therapist: FOR THE LAST TIME, I can’t get your insurance to cover tacos!

Me: Don’t yell at me. You need a taco.

“Yay, outdoor soccer in the rain”

– said no mom, ever

—How do you care for your mental health?

Me with my best frens:

I am at my most sexiest when I have to wash my hair twice in one day because I got ranch dressing in my hair from eating wings for dinner. Line forms to the left, gentlemen.

Did I just trip in public? Yes. Do I even care that a bunch of people saw me? Also yes.

Can’t. Too busy being force-fed teething crackers by my 1yo daughter.