my ears are currently carrying sunglasses, headphones, and a face mask. ears are a purse
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[using tweezers to yank out a splinter]
*extreme rat noises*
Me: (accidentally crushes the World’s Smallest Violin)
Guy who owns the World’s Second Smallest Violin: aw yea baby my time to shine
boss: can i see you in my office
me: [sheathing sword] why
If there isn’t an open bar at my funeral then count me out, I’m not going!
The one time I order underwear from amazon, and they deliver it to the wrong house. Guess I’ll finally get to meet the neighbors
If you get an email at work from my cat with an attachment delete it
[doctors]
“How long have I got?”
“Not long. Two, three months”
[casually places apple on desk]
“Ok, ok, six. Just get that out of here!”
a woman wished me a “happy resurrection” today except i forgot what day it was so i got a little worried for a minute
Jaguar or leopard, it’s not going to matter in about two leaps.
If there’s a zombie apocalypse and you see one zombie taking a nap, that will be me
whenever a man says he’s well endowed I always hope he means with a grant from the government for his new art project
That 👊
Wife: Use the newspaper to get that spider down
Me *reads the news out loud*
Spider *depressed* holy shit
Sister, I can do this until twitter breaks
If my husband doesn’t convert my ashes to ink and get me tatoo’ed into his flesh, I am coming back to dampen his socks for eternity.
My tire pressure won’t make up it’s mind. Are we married?
He died doing what he loved: typing his symptoms into WebMD instead of going to the doctor
me: *stepping out of a time machine* I hope I didn’t change anything
t-rex wearing a little lab coat: me too
Every time I watch, “The Shining” I am overwhelmed by how sweet a gig he has.
Neighbors of serial killers always describe them as “really nice” people.
Who else is a “really nice” neighbor?
Canada.
I’m just sayin’
i’d never pick the lesser of 2 evils because that means they’re not even good at being evil either
Biggest fears:
4. Dancing in public
3. Spiders
2. Forgetting names
1. Dancing in public with spiders who’s names I forget
broke down and did it
10 years of ninja training, and now all I use it for is to quietly unwrap candies when the kids are in the other room.
they always announce when a famous person dies but they never announce when a famous person is born
the moral of the Phantom of the Opera is that sometimes there’s this weird guy who is impossible to deal with
My husband unloaded the dishwasher before I woke up this morning and that’s an awful lot of flirting for a Wednesday morning
If a recipe does not call for cheese, I’m gonna assume they forgot it and add an entire large bag. Well 3/4 of bag cause I ate some of it.
“The three ingredients found in every kitchen.” This recipe is making some fancy assumptions about my kitchen.
Pandas are proof that if you have a cute enough outfit no one will call you fat.