Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

it’s either covid or clever vampires

I saw jimmy fallon meeting with crab people from outer space. he was giving away our military secrets and laughing at everything they clacked at him with their claws and just generally acting like a piece of shit. you could tell even the crab people were getting uncomfortable

“What do we want?”
“A compilation album!”
“What shall we call it?”
“Now!”

Girl: My dog bit my boyfriend.

Me: Your dog is a good judge of character.

Johnny Depp always looks like he is just as confused by his “accent”

I had an important meeting with my kids. I’ve been waiting to have this talk for a while. I started the meeting by grabbing the toothpaste. I made eye contact with all of them and then very slowly put the cap back on. It was a shocking demonstration, but I think they got it.

I made cookie dough 2 days ago and pre molded it into balls and froze them so I would be able to bake ONE cookie at a time AS NEEDED but so far I’ve just eaten 6 balls of cookie dough over a 2 day span

Post natal depression is a serious condition. I’m 38 years old and my mum still bursts into tears every time she sees me.

(sees someone doing a texas chainsaw massacre) um can you not

Friend at bar asking what everyone wants in thier drinks: Do you like lime?

Other friend: What, like in tacos?

This is why I love them.

“How do you speak such good English?” “I dunno 200 years of colonialism and eurocentric education, how do you know so little history?”

my dad can break into almost any car using a frozen chimichanga

I was dismissed from my responsibilities as church usher because I kept using finger guns to point out available seats.
* pew pew *

Slowly he climbs into
my bed. Our eyes meet,
I can feel his desire.

His need for me and only me.

• The cat wants to be fed.

So in Ohio if they say ‘it’s raining cats and dogs’ does that mean they’re having an all-you-can-eat buffet?

The keys to a successful marriage include separate bank accounts, separate bathrooms, and separate Netflix profiles

A plastic surgery slogan:

Because You Don’t Have A Good Personality Either

I just swallowed my record player’s needle and nothing’s happened to me, nothing’s happened to me, nothing’s happened to me, nothing’s happe

Drugs are great until they fall into the wrong hands. I am referring, of course, to the cops or people who don’t enjoy life.

ME: My favorite was always Raphael, but I liked Donatello a lot too

DATE: Aww so you were a big fan as a kid?

ME *pulling my credit card from my Ninja Turtles wallet*: Hmm?

Are you a sane person, or did you just ask a mannequin for directions to another department?

We were walking out of Costco when we saw this baby eat the receipt before they got out. The mom’s look was just like, oh no

Any leftover cabbage can and will be shredded and mixed with mayo

– Cole’s Law

me: i keep having that dream where my teeth are falling out

dentist: not a dream, please stop chewing the cement balls outside target

Friend: “I grilled some chickens over the weekend.”

Me: “Did you get the information that you were looking for?”

me: haha isn’t it weird that i own you?

dog: [pauses mario kart] own me at what, exactly.

A bridesmaid, but it’s just someone to hold the bottom half of my CVS receipt.

ME: stay away from the cat

MY DOG: perhaps this time will be
d i f f e r e n t

ME: ur gonna get scratched again

MY DOG: [approaching cat anyway] brøther. brøther i crave the ꜰᴏʀʙɪᴅᴅᴇɴ ᴄᴜᴅᴅʟᴇꜱ.