my ears are currently carrying sunglasses, headphones, and a face mask. ears are a purse
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After ten true crime podcasts you start to think you could probably solve a murder. After a hundred you start to think you could probably get away with one.
[first date]
Her: The menu is in French.
Me: Allow me to order for you.
Her: Sure.
Me: Mÿ dâtę wòûld líkê thé chėésëbûrgęr, plæsê.
Almost nailed it! 😂🤣
I am your dream girl if your dream girl suddenly dissapears into plumes of feathers and occasionally seeks vengeance against a betraying human by turning them into an oak tree. Also may or may not steal entire baguettes off window sills.
#SaturdayBears
My girlfriend and I are celebrating our anniversary tonight by breaking up six years ago.
I caught a genie! He keeps saying “I’m not a genie. Let me go!” Whatever, Ahmed. You can go when I get my magic carpet. I know my rights.
Stewardess, the door just blew off the plane. Can I get a blanket?
friend: why aren’t u dressed yet??
me, in my fifth hour of laying naked in a towel on my bed: i JUST got out of the shower
m’lady
My mom just texted me to say that her dog killed 2 groundhogs in her backyard this morning so I think she may be doing Groundhog Day wrong.
Technically, it’s not gluttony if you refer to it as an “Emotional Support Snack”.
Why don’t we just number the days of the week, like:
Onesday
Twosday
Threesday
Foursday
Fivesday
Sixday
Sevensday
Every earthquake is a reminder that you drunk-ate the good granola bars out of the earthquake kit eight years ago and never restocked them.
No thanks, Genie. I’m not falling for the old “rub the magic lamp” trick again.
[Limbo contest]
Everyone: *Chanting* How low can you go? How low can you go?
Me: I once stole a guide dog
Cake by the ocean?
*scoffs*
Cake is a terrible beach snack
[unaware grindr isn’t an app for skateboarders] I’d love to meet at the park
There are poor, helpless kids in Africa who really need our help. But there’s also kids with machine guns so I’m not going.
It was hard getting over my addiction to the Hokey Pokey.
But I’ve turned myself around and that’s what it’s all about.
A recent study states that people should only shower every 3-4 days. “Stop being an idiot,” said one wife who lives in my house.
I’m going on a shiny hair journey. It doesn’t seem as if my hair is going with me, but I’m going.
Parents: It’s unfair to put your toddler on a leash if you’re not going to also let them pee next to parked cars.
Cheer up everybody, only 8 more days until the weekend.
God: you’re an elephant.
Elephant: dang i’m pretty big!
God: you’re actually the largest land animal in the world.
Elephant: oh wow!
God: I know right?
Elephant: am I the loudest?
God: lol goodness no.
Elephant: well who is?
God: [looks around] I call it the toddler : )
I guess it’s time to start acting my age. Seriously when I was born, the Dead Sea was just sick.
my niece: I love dogs! They’re so cute and smart and fun! I really really really want a dog!
me: I walked seven blocks with a stinky bag of steaming dog poop this morning
my niece: maybe a cat
Going to a baby shower and I’m real nervous, do they just kind of pour down on you? If you catch one do you have to keep it?
what if “chicken patty” is just short for “chicken patricia”
“Grandpa, I can’t stop thinking about Santa’s sack.”
Me: Aww, sweetie. Run along now. Grandpa has to put that on the internet.