My Mom asked me to help her sign up to Twitter so I did and she’s really enjoying Google Plus.
my ears are currently carrying sunglasses, headphones, and a face mask. ears are a purse
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I like to remind my kids who’s boss by putting a cherry tomato on top of their ice cream sundaes every once in a while.
My heart says food, food and more food…but my jeans say, for the love of God, eat salad😪
If it walks like a duck and it looks like a duck, the chances are she’s practising for her next selfie
*Looks out the window to see it raining fire and brimstone* “Oh man my car windows are down!”
Someday a baby’s first words will be “Please take this Ramones shirt off of me, I don’t like their music and this shirt implies that I’m a fan”
BILLION DOLLAR IDEA
A giant cinnamon roll that you sleep in, that becomes warm and edible when it’s time to wake up
me: what kind of dog is that?
me: sorry, *deep raspy voice* what kind of dog is that?
[my dad is in the backyard motionless gazing off into the distance]
wife: what’s he doing
me: oh, there’s a long standing tradition in my family
her: what is it
me: i… just… told you?
[creation of walrus]
god: make it just, i dunno, a tub of lard
angel: sorry, come again?
god: a waddling lard pile, and give it whiskers
angel: dude what
god: toss some fangs on it, like a big doofus dracula
angel: remember when you flooded the entire planet? this is worse