my ears are currently carrying sunglasses, headphones, and a face mask. ears are a purse

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An eggplant just recognized me from Twitter & asked for my autograph. I gave him one, but then suddenly his father showed up, grabbed him by the stem, and told him to NEVER associate with vegetables like me.

Bigotry is still alive and well. I will do my best to root it out.


Every time I get out of a small car it looks like a giraffe being born.


A ponytail so tight I look 5 years younger and everyone thinks I’ve been smiling all day.


We will require you to do something somewhat onerous and time-comsuming and then introduce impediments to completing it.

– my employer


“Poor” is an odd word because when you put it in front of “people” it’s sad but when you put it in front of “bladder control” it’s hilarious


Hey [STOP] Got your voicemail earlier [STOP] I’m replying with a telegram because you’re apparently a big fan of outdated technology [STOP]


If you like someone, pretend they’re a charger and you’re an iPhone on 1%. Run to them. Grab them. Plug them in. Wait, I lost the metaphor.


My children wanted to play airplane rides and are very upset because I told them my flight is fully booked


Why go out and be a 3rd wheel when you can stay home and be a unicycle?


Frog Fact: frogs have existed since time immemorial and therefore predate original sin, meaning they have no need to celebrate Easter as Christ’s death means nothing to them.