@jillboard

my ears are currently carrying sunglasses, headphones, and a face mask. ears are a purse

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@Brianhopecomedy

My Mom asked me to help her sign up to Twitter so I did and she’s really enjoying Google Plus.

@Awesome_Todd

I like to remind my kids who’s boss by putting a cherry tomato on top of their ice cream sundaes every once in a while.

@RoyalThough

My heart says food, food and more food…but my jeans say, for the love of God, eat salad😪

@bobsin

If it walks like a duck and it looks like a duck, the chances are she’s practising for her next selfie

@Tommytoughstuff

*Looks out the window to see it raining fire and brimstone* “Oh man my car windows are down!”

@scharpling

Someday a baby’s first words will be “Please take this Ramones shirt off of me, I don’t like their music and this shirt implies that I’m a fan”

@dougbies

BILLION DOLLAR IDEA

A giant cinnamon roll that you sleep in, that becomes warm and edible when it’s time to wake up

@mrjohndarby

me: what kind of dog is that?

him: husky

me: sorry, *deep raspy voice* what kind of dog is that?

@panmidwest

[my dad is in the backyard motionless gazing off into the distance]

wife: what’s he doing

me: oh, there’s a long standing tradition in my family

her: what is it

me: i… just… told you?

@TheHyyyype

[creation of walrus]

god: make it just, i dunno, a tub of lard

angel: sorry, come again?

god: a waddling lard pile, and give it whiskers

angel: dude what

god: toss some fangs on it, like a big doofus dracula

angel: remember when you flooded the entire planet? this is worse