Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

my 8yo: this girl at camp showed me her nooks and crannies today.

me:

me: nooks and crannies?

him: it’s a kind of candy.

me: whew

WATER POLO INSTRUCTOR: “Are you sure you know what you’re doing?”

ME: [Adjusting the mask & snorkel on my horse] “Of course I do.”

Engineer: quick open up the coal gate, we need to vent the burner!

Me: *opens toothpaste* how is this supposed to help?

Engineer: The door on the coal burner you stupid fu-

[train explodes]

If I were 30 years younger, I’d remember where I was going with this tweet.

Him: have you had dinner yet?

Me: *after eating entire bag of chips, 2 donuts and 6 cookies* Nope, not yet.

me: i knocked through a fake wall in my bathroom and there was a whole secret furnished room behind there

friend: you live in an apartment complex

me: oh yeah

We’ve all talked about throwing a dirty dish away instead of washing it. But only some of us have done it.

Cooking directions: Stir constantly until it comes to a boil.

Me: Orders takeout.

Danny in Grease: I want this car to look cool

Kenickie: sure bro

Danny: and put in a part that makes it fly

Kenickie: wait what

I wear jogging pants underneath my running pants in case I need to slow down.

[ walking down the soap and detergent isle at the store ]

14: it smells like chores in here

[wife looking at pictures of my dead body with police]
“why isn’t he wearing a shirt”
we believe he removed it when he challenged the coyote

If you can’t remember my name, just say ‘donuts’. I’ll turn around and look.

Are dinosaurs finished evolving into birds yet? Or will they become even birdier?

I think if the knotted muscle between my neck and shoulder ever released it would shoot my head off like a slingshot

Yes, I’m English.

No, I can’t speak British to you.
No, I don’t know the Queen.
No, I don’t want a spot of tea.

so many bosses have told me some variant on ‘it seems as if you’re only here for the paycheck’ and like. yeah

Scientists: we have invented healthy food

Me: are you sure it’s healthy

Scientists: …no

Me: are you sure it’s food

Scientists: …no

so loyal to apple products that the only birth control I use is the iUD

You know she’s a keeper when after your aircraft crashes in the frigid Andes Mountains you catch one another eyeing the surviving passengers like a menu.

#GettingOldMeans if I drop a pen on the ground it stays on the ground. Bending down is a young man’s game.

Juliet: you know it’s true love, when you finish each other’s-

Romeo: LIFE

Juliet: [sighs all annoyed] like why do you say shit like that?

I won a chocolate bunny at the carnival but it was a hollow victory.

Man of Steel question. When young Clark Kent was wearing a cape in the yard, who was he pretending to be? Liberace?

I’ll always be here for you, unless we run out of beer over here and someone has some over there, then I’ll be over there for you.

Two years ago I became a proud father. My son is 6, but he was kinda lame those first four years.

Can you imagine being a cat and having to do this NINE times?!

Wordle 241 1/6

🟩🟩🟩🟩🟩

Finally figured out how to correctly play this game!

Easy enough.

I’ll make you feel safe in that you’ll know you can outrun me if we are being chased by a murderer.