My earthquake kit is just a tuxedo because in case of a disaster, I want to look like the most important person to save.

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Adulthood is like the part in The Wizard of Oz where Dorothy tries to runaway from her problems, but then SURPRISE, there is also a tornado.


The local sperm bank now has a quick serve location with a drive-thru window. It’s called Jack-It-In-The-Box.


Spiderman’s villain should just be a glass jar and a piece of paper.




[At Vision Center]

Receptionist: Which Doctor would you like to see?

Me: I’d like to be able to see all of them. That’s why I’m here.


My signature move is being a complete idiot trying to convince someone that I’m not drink.




It may have looked like I was doing crunches but I was just trying to get up.


Before you tell me anything about your kid you should know I’m going to mentally leave my body.