Me : what’s that thing that’s not a bed
Husband: a chair?
Me: No
Husband: cheeseburgers?
Me: No come on!
Husband: mice?
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Cop: Is that a turtle?
Me: …
Cop: Painted blue?
Me: …
Cop: With nails glued on?
Me: …
Cop: Mario Kart’s not real
Me: YOURE NOT REAL
“I Still Haven’t Found What I’m Looking For” is my favourite song about opening and closing the fridge 150 times a day
My mother-in-law talked non-stop while we watched Criminal Minds and now I have an idea for a cool new episode.
#MakeAFilmUncomfortable Four Wedgies and a Funeral
I’m pretty sure I’m smarter than my cat, but he refuses to take the test.
It unnerves me, because that’s totally what a genius would do…
Letting my 4-year-old niece cook me breakfast in her Easy Bake Oven and acting like I’m not about to absolutely destroy her on Yelp.
Oh great. I forgot to pack an apple in my lunch and now there’s doctors EVERYWHERE.
You don’t have to tell me twice because I don’t listen either time.
Some girl is stalking me & has been telling ppl I’m her boyfriend. I’m flattered but I prefer to be the psychotic one in the relationship
Wife: “Did you lock the backdoor?”
Me: “Yes I did.”
Burglar from downstairs: “No he didn’t!”
The rare times my cat approaches me for affection, I run away and hide under the bed so she knows what that feels like.
I feel like a taco salad is the worst way to eat a taco, and yet, the best way to eat a salad.
I changed my hubby’s name and pic to the Easter Bunny in my phone so my kid can text “him”
I freaked out later when EB was calling me.
Mensa should be contacting me any day now.
*jurassic park meeting
CEO: We’ve suffered minor setbacks with grisly deaths; the destruction of the entire island; and billion dollar lawsuits. So I want some outside the box thinking on how to go forward.
Suit: We could build another park…
*long silence
CEO: Genius.
I don’t eat three meals a day but I do eat six midnight snacks.
Why yes, YouTube, I *did* want to watch part 5 when part 2 ended. How did you know?
Carrying a tube of pringles like a waiter presenting a fine bottle of wine
I illegally download music, but only Metallica.
They seem to be pretty cool about it.
3 weeks ago: I can’t get plastic bags for my groceries?!?!! 😠
Today: I can’t get groceries. 😑
People complain about their looks, but no one complains about their brains.
My husband purchased a world map and then gave me a dart and said, “Throw this and wherever it lands—that’s where I’m taking you when this pandemic ends.”
Turns out, we’re spending two weeks behind the fridge.
*pulls up pants*
Me: It feels like I’ve got the world’s worst wedgie!
Proctologist: That’s normal.
M: …
P: Hey… Have you seen my glove?
You can even hide a dead body in Terms & Conditions, No one will ever know.
What’s the loudest pet?
A trumpet.
#PetDay
If you see a baby locked in a car break the window and put another baby in there, he’s probably lonely.
Being iced in for 2 days gave me the opportunity to get so much housework done!
I didn’t do any of it.
But I certainly had the opportunity.
2017: It can’t get worse than this
DAY ONE, 2018: A YouTube star filmed a dead body for entertainment
[Commercial for axes]
[A lumberjack swinging a dead goat against a tree in the woods]
*Turns to camera*
“There has to be a better way?”
Stop staring lady, I was meowing at your cat.
I’ve been nominated Vice President of the PTA.
It’s only a matter of time before my political sex scandal.