Nothing is more confusing than a perfume commercial.
My earthquake kit is just a tuxedo because in case of a disaster, I want to look like the most important person to save.
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Adulthood is like the part in The Wizard of Oz where Dorothy tries to runaway from her problems, but then SURPRISE, there is also a tornado.
The local sperm bank now has a quick serve location with a drive-thru window. It’s called Jack-It-In-The-Box.
Spiderman’s villain should just be a glass jar and a piece of paper.
[At Vision Center]
Receptionist: Which Doctor would you like to see?
Me: I’d like to be able to see all of them. That’s why I’m here.
My signature move is being a complete idiot trying to convince someone that I’m not drink.
It may have looked like I was doing crunches but I was just trying to get up.
Stranger things? You should see Tinder.
Before you tell me anything about your kid you should know I’m going to mentally leave my body.