PATIENT: my stomach is killing me, doc
DR DOG: I’ve got just the thing for you *hands him a prescription bottle filled with grass*
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Some kids grab headphones and go to their room when loud construction equipment starts working on their street, and then you have some who grab a drink and a lawn chair and camp out.
A man has been jailed for forging banknotes.
He also got a big fine which he immediately paid in crisp $9 notes.
[Ocean’s 14]
Danny Ocean: We’re going to steal the world’s largest ball of twine
lawyer: “my client claims the altercation began because – and i quote – “he came at me sideways”
crab: “in my defence..”
Some mistakes you only make once, like sniffing your kids’ clothes to see if they’re dirty or clean
lol
Mother: We named you after my father
Me: Yeah, I understand how time works
Still thinking about the woman on the train I once saw wearing a lanyard that said “Sarah Hunter” and wondering how many Sarahs have died at her hands.
4yo does not want to go to school anymore, she wants to be homeschooled
I told her I will homeschool her this week and then she will go back to school next week. She’s delighted!
(There is no school this week)
I can’t believe someone had the audacity to tell ME *gestures wildly at self* that I’m dramatic
Damn boy, are you wearing an anti-gravity suit?
‘Cause I’m not the least bit attracted to you.
My husband said I use a lot of makeup, so I showed him some makeup tutorials on tiktok and I don’t think he’ll be making that mistake again.
Sober me will always have your back.Drunk me will convince you to get a tattoo of a unicorn doing a dolphin over a rainbow on your back.
accidentally emailed my crush a bunch of pics of me in my karate uniform again
wile e. coyote running off a cliff and not falling until he looks down except it’s me stopping for a second mid-sentence to think about what i’m saying
7 year resume gap marked “Not Drugs”
I’ve been buying men’s hoodies for years for myself. It’s all about skipping the middle man.
[pokes your baby with a stick]
what’s it do?
men what’s stopping you from looking like this
Her: try curing your hangover with the hair of the dog
Him: the what?
Dog: YEAH SUSAN THE WHAT???
If you love someone, let them go. If they don’t come back, detonate the explosive collar.
oh no, steve’s working tonight
The lady across the plane aisle very rudely covered her watch that I was using.
Chris Pratt is my favorite actor whose name sounds like if a rodent fell in the McDonald’s deep fryer
My ex wife asked me to check on her house while she was on vacation….
Google Earth says everything is just fine.
Cop: *Hands me ticket
“I’ll see you in court.”Me: *Seductively winks
“Sure is a lot of trouble just to see me again.”Cop: …
Autocorrect changed “velvet” into “violent” so now I’m teaching this cake kung fu.
Human babies are 75% water at birth, a slightly higher water content than bananas and slightly less than fresh potatoes.
12 yr. old daughter: My friend Samantha said she thinks you’re handsome.
Me: Aww. That’s cute. How about her mom? Has she said anything?