Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*slaps the cup out of the barista’s hand*
“No. I want Asriel, the guy with the man-bun, to make my latte. He has a better energy”

If you love something set it on fire. If it doesn’t die, you have a dragon.

“Ok, identify the noun in this sentence. Timmy is stupid.”

Timmy: stupid?

“Exactly”

WestJet is cancelling flights ahead of the long weekend due to a strike notice. Said Air Canada “pffft, they’re giving a REASON? Amateurs”.

Doctors penmanship is so poor because they’re actually making fun of you to the pharmacist

Him: how do want your coffee?
Me: like my soul
Him: *hands me an empty mug*
Me: touché

men’s occupations according to their shower products: hunter, lumberjack, mechanic, lumberjack again

women’s occupations according to shower products: goddess, mermaid, moon spirit, butterfly,

Imagine being a fly on the wall in the closed court where Rupert Murdoch is suing his own children. You’d be the most ethical creature in the room.

Pizza won’t solve your problems but you gotta try something.

Go to an open house and ask the realtor if they’ll stand in the basement with the door closed so you can hear if screams are audible outside

Passed a gym sign that said “Have those new yoga pants been to yoga yet?” and I feel personally attacked.

Realtor Dog: if you’d like to buy this house, pee here… and here

I wonder what went down that day to make them put *NO heavy petting* signs up at the public swimming pool

Saw a sticker that said “my son was an honor student”. I almost got sad, but then I thought maybe he’s not dead, maybe he’s just stupid now

“What should we call the big finger?”
“‘Thumb’ seems as good as any.”
“Impressive. What about this smallest one?”
“PINKY!”
“………….”

excited for my first day at at&t as a network engineer supporting national infrastructure. just unplugged a few things in the server room for my space heater. it’s cold in here. should be fine though

Is there anything funnier than when a cozy cat or dog suddenly heaves a big SIGH like dude what could possibly be the matter

me: [searching for the will to live]

will: I have a girlfriend

[God creating humans]

God: Make them really bad at remembering stuff like first names, birthdays, etc

Angel: And things like traumatic experiences too?

God: Haha no. They’re going to remember those forever lol

That feeling of unadulterated smugness that comes when you get the daily Wordle in fewer attempts than the rest of your family

[Morgan Freeman voice] Isolated from his group, this penguin will not survive

[penguin voice] Hey dude, I can hear you.

The greatest ending to a video game to ever exist.

And that’s why you clean your room, kids.

Wife: What is twitter?
Me: Hold on a sec, I gotta go to the bathroom. *flushes iphone down toilet*

I fart in church so I can sit in my own pew.

Eating vegetables after a failed attempt at picking up your shirt with your toes.

*whispers* forlorn corn.

Daughter found the wrinkle cream and when I told her what it was for she said, “Daddy, you should use that when you grow up” so I guess my point here is maybe 4 isn’t too young for a pony.

Baby detective: These stab wounds here, they-
*coroner covers the body with a sheet*
Baby: OH MY GOD. THE BODY! ITS GONE! WHERE DID IT GO

The nine most terrifying words in the English language are: I’m from the government and my name is Dracula

If you’re trying to console someone who has a tattoo with their ex’s name on and they just broke up, don’t say ‘haha that’s tattoo bad.’