My Ebola outbreak brings the CDC to the yard and they’re like, sir that’s just irritable bowel syndrome.
You Might Also Like
My friend takes things for granite because she didn’t finish high school
Q: How do you stop an astronaut’s baby from crying?
A: You rocket!
#HatDadJoke
People that use big words, but not in the right context, are just trying to be ambidextrous.
I feel seen
Pro tip for Zoom court: ZOOM COURT IS REAL COURT
–Always be fully clothed
–Do not be in or on the toilet
–Do not Zoom in from the shower
–Do not Zoom in from the bed–especially if unclothed
–Don’t wear any hats/caps/bonnets
–Don’t make a full on omelet like that one lady
Today I opened the door to the supply room and four Japanese guys jumped out and yelled “supplies!”
Do you ever walk out of a bathroom and want to put a sign on the door that says “I was just peeing It smelled that way when I went in there”
Sometimes it’s fun to walk out of the ladies room licking your fingers.
started the year single. ending the year single. consistency is key
“It’s important to remember Snitches get stitches”, I whisper to my 5 year old nephew as my sister asks who drank all of her wine.
detective: take him away boys
video: *being dragged away* I DIDNT KILL THE RADIO STAR. I WAS FRAMED
YouTube: *flicks cigarette* the plan is going perfectly
on my monopoly game the community chest cards say shit like: THE REALTOR SHOWING THE HOUSE ACROSS THE STREET GIVES YOU $50 TO CLOSE YOUR GARAGE DOOR
I saved a ton of money on a security system by hanging a bunch of shitty wind chimes throughout my house.
my sister is about to have a baby and my brother showed up to the hospital in a suit because “first impressions matter”
Ever notice how people who say “Better to ask for forgiveness than permission” never actually ask for forgiveness, either?
A real ice cream truck would have melted by now.
DAUGHTER: Mom asked me to check on you and the eggnog making
ME [wrestling a screaming chicken into a blender full of milk]: GRAB ITS LEGS
Inventor of the Number 1 Pencil: Surely you will be the most popular pencil!
me: [struggling to think of things to talk about] “so what do you do for a living?”
barber: [slowly stops cutting my hair]
BREAKING: Hobbit director Peter Jackson’s next huge undertaking to be 3-part movie series of The Cheesecake Factory menu.
if someone asks you about yourself say “OK, sit down, this is going to be a really long story” then just wander off
[sees hot girl in bar]
me: [takes wedding ring off] so… do you come here often?
her: give me back my ring
When I can’t barge, I careen.
I’m starting to think the guy offering to check for lumps inside his van was not as legit as his cardboard certificate claimed.
I’m not antisocial. I’m anti-idiot.
I recently took a pole and found that 100% of the people were angry when the tent collapsed.
[dinner time]
ME: *puts baby in a lifeguard chair*
WIFE: not that high
Hero horse inspires millions
