My editor dislikes my use of contractions but it’s what it’s
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Me: curling is just hockey with different sticks
Him: you just offended all of Canada
[arrives at the gates of hell]
Satan – “WELCOME MORTAL. DOWN HERE… WE DON’T HAVE LASAGNA”
Me – “um…ok?”
[Satan checks list]
“Is your name Garfield?”
“No”
“Huh. List says Garfield”
[book store]
ME: *dumps pile of misshapen swans on counter*
CLERK: What is that?
ME: “Origami for Dummies.” I want to return it.
At first I was disappointed that the prize for completing my “fair food punch card” was a giant bucket, but it turns out I needed it
[During Sex]
“Hurry up, this isn’t really my house.”
[family game night]
Me: do u understand now, grandma? U understand the rules now?
Mum [tappin my shoulder]: she gets it. Loosen the headlock
My son’s impression of me is just him staring at his palm.
[me complaining about how many apps on my phone are purple] like I really gotta look before I press it ya know
[guy 911 told me to keep talking to till the paramedics arrive] definitely annoying
Me as a kid: Willy Wonka is SO cool!
Me as a mom: WHOA! Ease up on the sugar there, Dude!
Me: I can’t think of any life goals
Wife: God could you be any lazier?
Me: ooh good one
Me, an intellectual: A spam and banana sandwich would be called a spamananawich.
“and it goes without saying…”
*proceeds to say it*
*watches soccer*
*watches soccer*
*watches soccer*
*watches soccer*
*has to pee*
*watches soccer*
*gets up to pee*
*misses goal*
:/
witch: what do u need?
me: a spell to make my dad proud
dad: *rips off witch mask* always looking for a shortcut unbelievable
Date *sitting on couch* I love scary movies
Me: ok but this is pretty dark, it’s about a boy plagued by haunted dolls
Date: Sounds good!
Me: The cowboy one is called Woody
“What do you think you’re doing?”
“You ate one half…”
“Yeah, so?”
“This is the otter half!”
People often talk about having the devil on one shoulder and an angel on the other. For me it’s more like Spock and Homer Simpson.
Them: What’d you scrape your chin on?
Me: A chiseled jawline with a 5-o’clock shadow.
Boss: did I hear you call me a twat?
Me: recently?
Farmer Dad: Having a good party son?
Farmer Son: No. The music sucks.
FD: Well then-
FS: Don’t.
FD: Lettuce turnip the beet.
How to make friends: Put your clothes on backwards so people don’t notice you walking up to them.
I’m home alone for the first time in 45 years and I’m only 39
My Phone autocorrected “wish you were here” to “wish you were beer” and I sent it anyways
People will tell you daughters are less gross than sons.
My daughters started a snail zoo. There are snails everywhere.
Youtube is the only place where you’ll find people arguing about religion in the comments of a snowboarding video.
[commercial for pants]
*naked guy attempts to put phone in pocket, falls on floor, cracks screen*
There has to be a better way!
How did the person who invented the spelling of “banana” decide when to stop?
How come it’s called “thrift store shopping” instead of Goodwill hunting?
Life is like a box of chocolates,
The good ones are always gone before I get there!