My editor has informed me that I do not know how hyphens work.
I’m not-sure how I feel about-this.
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getting real sick and tired of my therapist knowing what tf he’s talking about when it comes to me and my issues.
Guys, freedom of speech doesn’t mean you can spell things any way you want to.
Noah build an ark
“what? why”
I’m gunna flood the earth
“just give me fish powers”
[jealous he didn’t think of that] JUST DO WHAT I SAY!
I peed in the ocean yesterday and the fish are still drunk today.
*sits gf down*
i am about to ask you a big question. if you dont know the answer then thats ok… *clears throat* where is the space jam dvd
Waiter: would you like a water?
Me: ew, gross.
Waiter: what if I add some frozen water to the glass?
Me: tempting.
Waiter: would a dirty lemon wedge seal the deal?
Me: [nods] indeed.
Big day! I’ve decided to forgive the woman who told me I looked tired at a party three years ago.
friend: got any advice for a struggling actor?
me: maybe audition for roles that involve being tied up
You must be radiating feminine mystique because every man in the cafe is looking at you, and then you realize there’s a TV over your head.
Drawing faces on light bulbs so a face finally lights up when I walk in a room.
It’s funny how—especially in small towns—we think of lit porch lights as a symbol of welcoming. I leave mine on so the guy who paints himself purple won’t steal any more of my chairs.
[2045]
The national language is Yeet. Your daughter’s fiancé is a YouTuber whose legal name is Landon FTW.
Shall I compare thee to a wooly worm?
Thou art more fuzzy and more ravenous
It never gets old to hear someone say “Oh no” when I say I’m calling from the health department
Nancy Drew and the mystery of the seven minute stroller nap delaying bedtime by two hours
garbage man: hello little fella
raccoon: [slides a $5 bill] one garbage please
they finally got him. they got macavity
“Houston we … are fine.”
Female astronaut probably
HELLO, FIRST TIME CALLER, LONG TIME LISTENER, OCCASIONAL MURDERER.
Take my advice, I’m not using it.
[Checking into hotel]
WIFE: Please tell me you didn’t use your stupid alter ego name when book-
ME: Reservation for Troy Awesomesauce please
*gets dragged out of daycare* DON’T LISTEN TO THEM! IT’S NOT A CHOO-CHOO! IT’S A SPOON!! IT’S STRAINED CARROTS IN A SPOO
I don’t want to exacerbate things. That would just make things worse
anyone who’s put together Ikea furniture knows damn well why they call it a hex wrench
[in bed]
BF: Why are you scared?
ME: Cuz your Mom’s here
BF: She’s not bad
*Mom hands me pregnancy test* This better be positive by sunrise
Just saw someone call a non electric toothbrush an “acoustic toothbrush”
*experiencing the extremely obvious consequences of my actions*
The universe is so mysterious
I wish they made barstools with seat belts and dual side airbags.