Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

One of the kids just asked for family game night like we weren’t already fed up with each other enough as it is

[blind date]

Her: so what do you do for fu..

Me: I’M 34 IF YOU DON’T FALL IN LOVE WITH ME I’M STATISTICALLY UNLIKELY TO EVER FIND A MATE

*downloading the new earthquake warning app*

*setting to vibrate mode*

Me: I’m pregnant

Him: OH NO

Me: with emotion

Him: oh, whew

Me: because there’s a baby inside me

Ironically, I only know of one person with the name Common.

Hey, I lost my teddy bear. Would you sleep with me?

My wife is integrating herself back into life after recovering from surgery the past 2 months. The kids now keep telling her “well dad doesn’t do it that way, he does…” About everything. So it’s going well. This couch is perfectly comfortable too.

The paper defeats rock explanation that the paper will wrap around the rock has always been lame. The rock is just as dangerous with paper wrapped around it; it is not defeated.

If I’m busy and see an interesting article, I open it in a new tab, read the first paragraph, and later, when I have time, close the tab

Company loyalty can often be explained by Stockholm syndrome.

I have bad fight or flight instincts. Guy wants a fight in an elevator, I try to run. Truck heading straight at me 45 mph, let’s do this bro

Him: “You’ll never find another guy like me.”

Me: “That’s kind of the point.”

How many light bulbs does it take to fix a person?

“You’re not like the other girls.”

“Yeah, that’s pretty much how this works. We’re literally all different ones.”

7am: *starts diet*

7pm: *eats the house*

Me: No more treats, pal. You’ve already had three.

Dog: Dude, you think I have any idea what “three” means? I’m not even sure how many legs I have.

Revenge idea if a girlfriend dumps you: sneak into her house, tighten the lids on all her jars.

Vixxxen is just a reindeer with a side hustle.

Well, my evening plans are ruined

Ever meet one of these people that makes everything a competition? I’ve met more.

Day 15 of unemployment, still no job listings for dog petters

(three days later, in the shower)
STORMTROOPER: *slaps forehead* omg those WERE the droids I was looking for

the best thing to throw at your spouse when you’re having a fight is a croissant cuz he’ll try to catch it in his mouth but it comes back to you like a boomerang & that’s just a delicious way to end a marriage . you’re welcome .

i know that the frontal lobe is not developed before age 25 because i got married when i was 24 and decided to get my first ever spray tan spontaneously on the day of my wedding.

“delete your account” and what, leave my children NOTHING

Me: I have to go to a funeral.

Her: Oh, I’m so sorry. Who died?

Me: One of my clients… It’s a business funeral, not a pleasure funeral.

My husband pissed me off so when he wasn’t looking I poured water on the floor in front of the dishwasher. He’s been fixing it for the past 2 hours.

[a pig opens the door for me]
Thank you, ha’am.

Me: “A handful of goldfish makes a great snack.”
Her: “Those crackers are too salty for me.”
Me (with fish breath): “What crackers?”