My efforts to lose weight are starting to pay off. I gained only three pounds this month.
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My 4 year old asked if she could put makeup on me. I asked jokingly if she was going to “make me pretty,” to which she responded, dead serious, “you’re ALWAYS pretty, Mommy.” So I need to know where to get this child a unicorn do they have those on Amazon?
911: What’s your emergency?
ME: SOMEONE STOLE MY COMMA.
911: When did you see it last?
ME: JUST BEFORE I SENT THE TWEET.
911: Where was it?
ME: IN FRONT OF THE “AND.”
911: Sir, that’s an Oxford comma.
ME: SO?!?
911: Well, they’re not really necessary.
ME: GO GET YOUR SUPERVISOR.
Alice: *falls into the rabbit hole*
White Rabbit: WROOOOOONG HOOOOOOOLE
I bet Santa has 3 lists now:
Naughty, nice, and people who’ve left him healthy snacks instead of cookies.
Me: I’d invite you in but my place is a mess
Friend: That’s OK. I don’t mind
M: The mess tho
F: Don’t be silly
M: I don’t want u in my house
Employment Agency: We got you an interview with a cable company, doing installation.
Me: *shows up to interview 3 hours late*
Interviewer: Oh my God… You’re hired.
How many bears would Bear Grylls grill, if Bear Grylls could grill bears?
I find it hard to believe I used to just answer my phone when it rang. No caller ID. No idea who was calling. Just picked it up and said “hello” like a goddam daredevil.
Had a vasectomy. Paid them an extra $50 so it shoots glitter
Someone cut in front of me in the salad bar line today.
I didn’t do anything because anyone who wants a salad that badly terrifies me.
“a quiet place” sequel cALLED “A LOUD PLACE” WHERE EVERYONE HAS TO KEEP SHOUTING AND MAKING ALL SORTS OF RUCKUS TO AVOID CREATURES THAT HUNT SILENCE
You call it day drinking I call it very old grape juice in the morning
McDonald’s french fries are not real food. Just found one under my car seat from two months ago and it looked perfect.
Tasted fine, too.
Me, dry heaving and wheezing: Everest was a mistake! I’m going to die alone on this godless wasteland
The Sherpa: Miss? We are still in the parking lot
[watching #diving]
ME: Huge splash! Nice!
ANNOUNCER: That splash will cost her a medal.
ME [changing channel]: The Olympics are garbage.
If you want to have fun with your kids, tell them the teacher called, then ask if there is something they need to tell you.
Me munching on an apple: Why is it every time I go to the theater I get stuck behind the lady with the fruit hat?
There is a lot of tension between bed and productivity today.
Just think, if Aristotle would have been a cow, today we’d all be studying meadowphysics.
abandoning Dry January after I learned that January is 31 days and not seven hours
8 out of 10 ladies at a karaoke bar who sing,“I Will Survive,” are hoping the enemies who wronged them are in the audience.
me: god made me weak because he feared what i could do
my wife’s boyfriend: it’s okay bud, you loosened the jar for me
Genie: You can’t have unlimited wishes.
Me: I wish for unlimited genies.
Genie: Son of a
It’s the anniversary of Tetris. We should have a block party.
*takes the high road*
*gets altitude sickness*
A foreign kid asked me how to speak English the other day, so I teached him some.
I still can’t find a place with an alligator infested moat for under $2k/month, but I’m hopeful.
My neighbor, watching me take out all the recycling, exclaimed “Yikes! at least you won’t need to order anything next week!” I laughed and laughed and then signed into Amazon
In an attempt to groggily say hello, I sent “moron” instead of “morning” in a chat to my boss. How’s your day?