I wasn’t dropped as a baby, but I’ve been making up for it ever since.
My efforts to lose weight are starting to pay off. I gained only three pounds this month.
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Me: Better late than never!
M: Seeing red?
M: Go with the flow!
M: I’ll go buy tampons.
W: NOW, MISTER FUNNY MAN.
Turns out that “no tear” shampoo doesn’t stop your kid if they’re already crying.
Why do all zombies have sprained ankles?
I hate it when I sit down on a warm public toilet seat and I have to set myself on fire.
i made a promise to myself that if i ever get an island the first thing that i will do is put some dinosaurs on it.
CABLE COMPANY: Someone will be there between 6:30 am and 9:45 pm.
ME: That’s pretty vague.
CC: Oh, sorry. It’ll be a cable TV installer.
Want to make a nerd’s head explode? Go to any site that posted the new Star Wars trailer & write “Where’s Captain Kirk?” in the comments.
Me: What is the thing you want most for your birthday?
6yo: A recorder.
Me: How about a pony instead?