@HousewifeOfHell

My efforts to lose weight are starting to pay off. I gained only three pounds this month.

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@eddiesteadyno

I wasn’t dropped as a baby, but I’ve been making up for it ever since.

@UncleDuke1969

Me: Better late than never!
Wife: …
M: Seeing red?
W: …
M: Go with the flow!
W: …
M: I’ll go buy tampons.
W: NOW, MISTER FUNNY MAN.

@recursivetaco

Turns out that “no tear” shampoo doesn’t stop your kid if they’re already crying.

@Rollinintheseat

I hate it when I sit down on a warm public toilet seat and I have to set myself on fire.

@wolfpupy

i made a promise to myself that if i ever get an island the first thing that i will do is put some dinosaurs on it.

@SirEviscerate

CABLE COMPANY: Someone will be there between 6:30 am and 9:45 pm.
ME: That’s pretty vague.
CC: Oh, sorry. It’ll be a cable TV installer.

@funnyordie

Want to make a nerd’s head explode? Go to any site that posted the new Star Wars trailer & write “Where’s Captain Kirk?” in the comments.

@mommajessiec

Me: What is the thing you want most for your birthday?

6yo: A recorder.

Me: How about a pony instead?