My eggs wouldn’t ring up at the store and the cashier (an older Black man) said “it’s your lucky day!” And put them in my bag for free because “I ain’t calling that manager over here cuz I don’t like him. I’m old enough to be his father and I ain’t going back and forth with him”
all these boys want a goth girlfriend but don’t study the moves of one gomez addams.
My ex is such a loser that if there was a competition for the world’s biggest loser, he’d still only win 2nd place.
Sorry I followed your minivan for an hour. I got caught up in the movie your kids were watching and wanted to see how it ends.
Maybe if we didn’t spend SO much time throwing gang signs we could’ve started this baking class on time
Tried to create a relaxing atmosphere in my statistics practical today by putting on a YouTube fireplace video but there are about 8 large screens on the walls in the room so instead it looked like we were all in hell
Swordsman: [draws sword] prepare to die
Me: [takes out pen] oh I don’t think so buddy
I wish booze made me flirty. It just makes me quote Adam Sandler movies
I just want to apologize to all the guys I dated BEFORE I started using Prozac.
And to their wives. And their local fire departments.
I remember when a computer didn’t automatically connect to the internet, it used to make a screaming noise. We should have listened.
Damn boy are you a stormtrooper, because you’re never gonna hit this
Why do they call it the good book and not the almighty wrighty?
you accidentally send 2 people to hell, and all of a sudden nobody wants to play with you anymore
I feel tired and weak. Probably just getting older and nothing is wrong. Well, time to read the news
Do not break eye contact with your waitress as you put the spaghetti in your wallet.
At what age do people transition to walking with their hands clasped behind their backs?
Me: How long should I microwave this for?
Popcorn instructions: How should we know?
I opened my front door and saw a coyote in the yard and said “Oh, sorry” and closed the door like I’d walked in on an unlocked bathroom stall.
My 7yo informed me that the fake tombstones we put up are both for the same guy and now he wants to know who Rip is.
Not to brag, but I’m NOT going to buy a fitness machine, like a Peloton, only to have it turn into a clothing rack.
I’m going to eat until I reach the point where I, myself, am the large, stationary clothing rack in the corner of a room.
So nice of you to stop by and visit. You must be very busy with all that (squints at logo on card) child protective servicing you do.
My friends can barely make rent, but everybody on home buying TV shows is like, “My husband is a professional thumb wrestler and I’m a rubber duck designer. Our budget is fourteen quadrillion dollars.”
Wife: Did you hear the water park went out of business?
Me: Oh no!
Wife: What?
Me: Bankruptsea!
“Why you watching this shit?”
Playing a game with my kid where she draws a picture and I have one chance to guess what it is and if I’m wrong, everyone’s day is ruined.
Friend: can I borrow £20?
Me: No.
*slides me £20
Friend: How about now?
Are folks still buyin’ those weighted blankets and whatnot? Were their normal-a** blankets just flyin’ off in the middle of the night? “It happened again, Melissa. I gotta sew some sandbags into that shit.”
Anyone want to do the laundry for me? Im exhausted. I can pay you in beanie babies or hot monkey sex.
The monkey’s name is Earl. He bites.
I was feeling lonely so I bought some shares.
It’s nice to have some company
BARTENDER: taste this beer
ME: [tastes it] omg i literally can’t even
BARTENDER: it has pumpkin spice in it
ME: hmm… yeah that explains it
