My eggs wouldn’t ring up at the store and the cashier (an older Black man) said “it’s your lucky day!” And put them in my bag for free because “I ain’t calling that manager over here cuz I don’t like him. I’m old enough to be his father and I ain’t going back and forth with him”
If I ever get remarried, I am walking down the aisle to the theme song from Jaws.
Taylor’s most unrealistic lyric is “he’d never tell you, but he can play guitar” bc I’ve never met a man who can play guitar that isn’t gonna tell you about it
Me ( handing a student a work packet mom requested): So where are you going next week?
6yo: Mario World
Me: Oh, I’ve never been there before.
6yo: Yeah, but we don’t have room in the car.
“I’m $50 away from getting free shipping which is only $5 and what I want is $12 so I need to spend $38 more to save money.”
-my brain
Don’t know if it’s the cape, the boom box or the telescope, but it’s getting so a guy can’t even bbq on his roof without attracting attention.
Geez, I’m so sorry…I’m not normally ticklish.
(me to the nail lady I just kicked in the face during my pedicure)
Alright, time for a Twitter spelling bee! First word: “their”, meaning “belongs to them.” Alright, that only leaves 14 of you left standing.
People really don’t fall in wells like they used to.
WORM: Why do caterpillars think they are better than us?
OTHER WORM: *is drowning in a very shallow puddle*
“I wasn’t born yesterday.”
-hilarious talking baby
Well, lookie there. Bring a cheesecake to a gunfight and suddenly EVERYBODY wishes you’d brought a knife.
[Showing Tom Cruise a video of me putting on a sock while standing] I do my own stunts too.
[before sex]
ME: Did you notice I waxed?
WIFE: I wondered what happened to your eyebrows
shout “out” to people who stick around too long at your house
I’m in a long distance relationship. My girlfriend’s in the future.
They said I couldn’t drink or operate machinery on my medication.
But here I am…Driving a forklift…Sipping a beer…Lifting up my boss’s car…
There’s a fine line between confidence and delusion and I ride that shit like a bear on a unicycle.
We haven’t seen the full damage this epidemic will cause, that will happen in about five to seven months with all of the gender reveal parties.
Fish look like they’re constantly being surprised by something.
The animals in Australia are dangerous, but they’re the most dangerous in Queensland because they can move in any direction.
they say you swallow 8 spiders each year, but what they don’t tell you is that it hits harder if you crush and then snort them
It’s that time between Christmas and New Years when the fridge is still packed but with random Christmas items so get ready for a casserole of figs, garlic stuffed olives, pineapple jam, and King’s Hawaiian rolls.
Wife: We need a new fridge.
Me: This is a terrible day.
Wife: You can use the old fridge as a beer fridge.
Me: This is the best day of my life.
[office]
BOSS: are you busy
ME: would you like me to be
He’s mysterious like the fish in gas station sushi
[fast food management]
“All dipping sauces go into a plastic container.”
“What about ketchup?”
“Use a tiny pouch impossible to open without getting half of it on your fingers.”
[restaurant]
can I get 8 single slices of pepperoni pizza please?
-how bout just one whole pizza instead?
oh no I can’t eat a whole pizza
We don’t have voluntary control over our internal organs because our brains don’t trust us enough to keep ourselves alive.
People always go, “Why can’t there ever be peace in the Middle East?”
We can’t even get FIVE DENTISTS to agree on a toothpaste. That’s why.
Say what you want about online meetings but there are few things more liberating than attending a disciplinary hearing naked from the waist down.
