My eggs wouldn’t ring up at the store and the cashier (an older Black man) said “it’s your lucky day!” And put them in my bag for free because “I ain’t calling that manager over here cuz I don’t like him. I’m old enough to be his father and I ain’t going back and forth with him”
10: Mom, I know your secret; you’re a superhero
Me: I am?
10: Yes, I found your handcuffs and a mask.
Me:
Me: Yes, I am. I’m a superhero!😏
“Does this look infected?”
*points to the entire world*
Fun With Magnets: Monday Edition
bouncer: can’t let you in. try the place 5 minutes down the road
guy: do you know who i am?! i’m usain bolt!
bouncer: oh sorry, 2 minutes down the road
The best sick burn I ever dispensed was when I showed up to eat on a patio with a group and I had an umbrella and a girl said “don’t be such a pessimist!” and I responded “I’m not a pessimist, I just know how to read a weather report” and then stared at her.
Sometimes I wonder what ever happened to people who asked me for directions.
Harry Potter is realistic because it normally takes a kid 10 years to tell a story.
CASHIER: One ultrathin lubricated condom. That’ll be $3.25
DUCK: Can you put it on my bill?
CASHIER: That’s not where it goes, silly
If parenting has taught me anything, it’s that you only give your toddler as much juice as you’d like to see on the floor
I imagine the hardest part about being vegan is getting up before sunrise to milk all of those almonds.
Googled my symptoms and turns out I should have taken the cake out the oven 17 minutes ago
Interviewer: How do you explain this 4 year gap on your resume?
Me: That’s when I went to Yale.
Interviewer: That’s impressive. You are hired.
Me: Thanks. I really need this Yob.
Owl Sanctuary
Me: *skips*
My body: HEY REMEMBER WE CAN’T DO THAT ANYMORE
my neighbor is SO SWEET she somehow decided all of us neighbors on both sides love wind chimes SO MUCH she bought wind chimes for her backyard
Hi I’m making some changes in my life if you don’t hear from me you are one of them.
Well my name’s Harry Potter and I’m here to say
That half of my movies looked wet and gray
ME: I know a good amount of things
CROSSWORD PUZZLES: lol
I wonder if both Wright Brothers were behind their inventions, or it was just one & their mother yelling “Wilbur, you include your brother!”
Roses are red
Let’s get some fresh air
Make love in the moonlight
Have a pregnancy scare
when space aliens arrive and ask us to take them to our leader we should take them to the zoo and show them a flamingo
My wife’s parrot is in love with some guy named Jeff lol
Why did they call it Social Anxiety and not Hey Fever
[at the club]
*crawling around on the floor*
HAS ANYONE SEEN MY DIAMOND STUD MAGNETIC EARRING?
When a guy wearing cargo pants hits on me I’m tempted to go out with him just to see how many of my belongings I can fit into his pockets.
[looking at wife’s tombstone]
today would’ve been our anniversary
*falls to knees*
why did I pre-buy her tombstone causing her to divorce me
I’ve disappointed better people.
a good captain goes down with the ship, i personally don’t need a professional obligation to sink to the bottom of the ocean, i just do it
