Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’m at a second grade music recital and this is by far the most effective form of birth control I’ve ever tried.

Officer: is there anything in your car I should know about?

Me: *remembers photo album filled with 1,000 pics of my dog* OMG YES

While it’s impossible to pick a favorite child, it’s easy to identify the one who isn’t your favorite at the moment.

Buy followers?

No thanks. I’m married so I spend enough money on people I don’t talk to

Me: *slowly retracts hand from cereal box after failing to grasp the free toy*

Wife: you really need to stop pretending to be a claw machine

Me: *swallows yet another quarter* why

I hate being woken up so if you find me sleeping, let me rest. If you can’t follow that simple rule, next time just hire another pilot.

“He’s behind me, isn’t he.”
“Yep.”
“Is he making that stupid face?”
“Yep.”

me: am I awake or dreaming

a giant dragonfly, setting down his tea cup: honestly idk what this is

I’m finally putting that giant exercise ball to use, and my core is hurting from laughing at Toddler Dodgeball.

DNA editing was invented by Gene Hackman

Clarissa didn’t explain this at all

My daughter just asked me why can’t she just quit school.
I told her it’s against the law and I could go to jail for it.

She looked me in the eye and said….

“I’ll visit you”

The greatest joy you can feel as a parent is when you get the call that they’ve canceled your kid’s Saturday sporting event.

i’m not “wearing a costume” that would be childish and silly. i’m wearing a disguise

My doctor wasn’t amused when he asked how much I weighed and I said

One hundred and fat

How many birds do you think you could have on you before you’d panic

Being a dad is great. On Christmas morning I’m just as surprised as the kids when they open the presents we bought them.

Just found the worst page in the entire dictionary. What I saw was disgraceful, disgusting, dishonest, and disingenuous.

If pronouncing my b’s as v’s makes me sound Russian, then soviet.

Welcome to your 40s.

Add ‘gravity’ to your list of enemies.

“You know what people really want to see? Season after season of a guy drinking his own piss.” – Discovery Channel executive

rom-com idea: Gozilla +1. Godzilla gets invited to a wedding but struggles to convince anyone to go with him

When my husband annoys me I like to say, “The doctor said I need to lose 10 pounds. What do you think?”

12: Can I have $20?
Me: I think you mean borrow
12: I don’t think that’s what I mean

The Dunning-Kruger Effect is when stupid people think they’re smart. Unlike the Freddy Krueger Effect which is when your murdered in your dreams you die in real life.

*wakes up in bed with horse’s head, hits snooze button*

person walking by my house:

my dog: I’ve killed people for less

An enterprising neighborhood kid started a business to fill in all those grownup coloring books for us. I feel more relaxed already.

“Why you watching this shit?”