Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’m one whole face and body rearrangement away from being Scarlett Johansson.

BOSS: it says here that you’re too sexy for your shirt. Is that a typo?

ME: *doing my little turn on the catwalk* I’m also good with Excel

She is very cute, has great energy! 😂

No Linda, I CAN’T believe how early it’s getting dark. After 4 billion years of this happening I was sure this would be the year it didn’t.

I could tell my parents truly loved me as a child. My bath toys were a toaster, radio and a blow dyer.

I was so anxious to social distance myself from my wife today that I went out and picked weeds in the yard.

Changed the office dress code from formal to smart-casual. Staff thought it’s because I want to be a hip, cool boss & make people feel more comfy. That’s not the reason. The reason is that we recently had our eleventh male employee getting his tie trapped in the shredder.

(dumping an old couch in the ocean) i am creating an artificial reef, to act as a fish habitat

[first day as a bartender]
Customer: gimme a scotch on the rocks
Me [scrunching towel into glass]: I know lemonade, I can do lemonade

Me: *hits snooze on alarm

Life: *sets off smoke detector

To the twenty something year old girls who think forty something year old women are jealous of them- enjoy your next 240 periods!

Saw 8 vasectomy billboards on my 4 hour road trip through Florida yesterday. It’s like Florida knows what has to be done to Florida.

Britney Spears’ Slave 4 U is trending on Christmas Eve just like it did that magical night in Bethlehem thousands of years ago. God bless everyone.

I just learned that in the US you have to pay money to cross a bridge in your car lol like you can’t convince me that America is real.

MOCKINGBIRD: Blah blah blah! Harper Lee is an idiot!
HARPER LEE: I just had a great idea for a book.

If revenge is a dish best served cold AND revenge is sweet then revenge is basically ice cream.

Bring it.

*Heaven*

God: you may ask me 1 question

Me: Why aren’t there lowercase and uppercase numbers?

God: what?

Me: I wanna write loud numbers

I bought a Mr. Microphone at a garage sale. Now I’m driving around yelling at bad drivers.
Best 25¢ I’ve ever spent.

My Alexa can now understand my toddler.

Pray for me.

Apparently, my superpower is being invisible to bartenders.

I had a cat and a Beta fish once. Then I left my apartment for a minute. After that I had a cat.

Friendly reminder from your Cats: if you’re not brushing them now, you’ll be picking up hairballs later. Ok yes, it’s a threat.

how do they get the mashed potatoes into the french fry shell

Had a great convo w someone I really admire and then immediately walked into a glass door. The lord giveth and the lord wrecketh away

WHY ARE THEY STILL PLAYING CHRISTMAS COMMERCIALS?

Me watching recorded TV shows

If I was a movie villain, I’d just make a bomb with all the wires of the same colour.

lesbianism is all fun and games until your wife has filled the house with more and more yarn and fabric for her textile crafts
there is another woman in my relationship and her name is Joanne Fabrics

It’s impossible to buy a mirror that isn’t used

Last night I couldn’t sleep at all, just lying wide awake

“Oh, insomnia?”

No, in bed you idiot. Where the hell is Somnia?