Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Best correction of the day, if not ever:

TIP: Always carry a motorcycle helmet with u. Then u never have to do your hair & u can blame it on safety & the law & stuff.

#lifehacks

(I am 6 months pregnant)

Me after ordering my coffee:

Stranger at Starbucks: you know you should be drinking decaf when you’re pregnant.

Me: I’m… not pregnant.

Stranger: (horrified) I am so, so sorry!

And that’s what you get for giving unsolicited advice.

[job interview]

How would you improve our business?

“Dude, I’d bankrupt you in a week. I’m just catchin Pokemon in your office.”

DAD: All I want you to do is get some water. This is the simplest task I can possibly imagine. Promise me you won’t bungle this.

JACK AND JILL: We’re on it.

Kinda rude TikTok has “hiding your double chin hacks” in my algorithm.

I don’t really ask for much, just good health and happiness. Oh, and a tater tot as big as my head.

I hope the final frame of Breaking Bad is white text on black background: “None of this would have happened if we had Universal Healthcare.”

Me: Hey, am I too wrinkly?

Child: You’re old, that’s going to happen.

Me: I MEANT MY SHIRT.

4: mommy? *takes bite*

Me: yes, love?

4: *chewing* I’m hungry.

Me: …I have good news

I’ve been texting with “Isla’s mom” for 3 years. When is a good time to ask her her name?

I want a sandwich in the streets and a sandwich in the sheets.

“Sorry, we can’t sell you one jalapeño for 35 cents. But we can sell you a plastic-wrapped styrofoam tray with 8 jalapeños on it for $2.99. Then you can use the one jalapeño you need, and let the rest go moldy in the fridge for a couple weeks before you toss them out.”

There is no such thing as a hamburger. There are only sad cheeseburgers who are missing their cheese.

held the door for 4 dudes in a row today. not one thank you, not even a hop-skip to get to the door faster. y’all are turning my into a batman-style supervillain so freaking fast

7-year-old: How late can I stay up?

Me: As late as you want if you’re doing chores.

7: I’m going to bed now.

I was a horrible mother today and declared that I loved one of my kids more than the other. Well what I really said was, ‘please don’t hit your sibling’ but apparently it’s the same thing

Me: *on the computer*

9-year-old: What are you doing?

Me: Registering you for school.

9: I thought we were friends.

The twin sisters that live next door to me, shower is broke so they’re using mine. So, you know what that means…

More hair in my drain.

It’d be ironic if deaf people hung out in heards.

Actual text from 17 y/o son:

kin u com bi nd swoop me?

I hope he means hit him with my car, because that’s the plan

Let’s normalize throwing bouquets at funerals to see whose next.

friend: you’re not taking this chess game seriously

me: [pushing tiny horse down into my chocolate pudding] ARTAAAAX!

I lost my job because my manager heard me slapping one of the customers. He wasn’t even at work. He heard from home.

They say the cheetah is the fastest land animal, but nobody has ever clocked a parent whose child called for a plunger from within the bathroom.

[5:45 AM]
Daughter: “Daddy can you make me breakfast?”

Me: “Can you not reach your Halloween candy?”

Her: Hey, what does this dress say to you?

*Whirls Around*

Me: I’m not in the mood to listen to your clothes right now, I’m drinking!!

me: can I wish for infinite wishes?

genie: no, you only get 3

me: I wish 3 meant infinite

genie:

me:

genie: *sigh* alright what else?

me: telephones but for dogs.

ROBIN: You didn’t name everything in the bathroom after you, too, did you?
BATMAN: Of course not
ROBIN:
BATMAN: OK, yes, there’s batshampoo
ROBIN:
BATMAN: But there’s also conditioner gordon