My eldest child was born 5 years after we got married and yet she’s mad at us for not inviting her to the wedding. We will be focusing on math lessons this week
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*Holding a banana like a phone* (texting)
Cats don’t have owners, cats take people hostage in order to feed them …
Some moms put cute notes in their kids’ lunches.
Mine say: “Don’t forget you’re grounded so don’t make any plans with friends this weekend. Love you!”
Five minutes before my break:
“Hi, I need some computer help. I need to sign into this website but to do that I need to get into my email and I don’t know any of the passwords and also I lost my phone but I assume that won’t be a problem.”
“Friday the 13th sent you, didn’t it?”
Bananas.
Because you can’t stick a watermelon in a tailpipe.
But seriously- how do Superheroes even go to the bathroom?
I mean, look at their costumes.
this mf tried to spell arrangatangs with an o
murder is like cilantro. you either love it or it tastes like soap.
People that use abbreviations like ppl, wyd, hmu, and idk – what do you do with all that time you saved?
*during a magnitude 1 earthquake*
Owner of the Etch-a-sketch museum: no no No NO!
I like working from base to tip…very slowly…taking my time. It’s really the best way to get the hair dye all the way in there, ya know?
Record breaking, visionary director Steven Spielberg: ‘Wanna play a dull, killed off screen character?’
Samuel L Jackson: ‘Sure’
Me: Kids, never take candy from strangers!
Also me on Halloween: I want more Twix, go ask that clown with the red balloon for some.
Soldier: The target entered a building
General: Find and detain him
Soldier: It’s… a candy cane factory
General: *slams fist* DAMN YOU WALDO
I can cook up any meal but I can’t peel boiled eggs without them looking like a toddler took bites out of them.
Watermelon is the perfect drink when you’re thirsty, but want to chew it.
I don’t know who needs to hear this, but throwing a haunted doll in the trash won’t stop it from coming back
Blessed are the teens who leave the kitchen cleaner than they found it.
You can lead a horse to water and if he walks on it congratulations you found horse jesus.
Washed the drying rack and now idk where to dry it
A remake of The Ring, except it’s Jeff Goldblum joyfully crawling out of your TV.
my new app automatically cuts wifi access to your teen’s phone if they are in the bathroom over 10min
Me: This recipe calls for one red onion…
Onion: Seize the means of production!
Me: Close enough
“I don’t understand swimming. You don’t see fish going for a walk.”
Introducing WifeChat™ the app where you talk to your wife
*enters contest*
Contest: “Wrong hole.”
I freely admit to snorting with laughter #piggate #pigfilms
if coconuts give us coconut milk AND coconut water then why do we only have cow milk. where is the cow water
Any cults got something wild planned for the eclipse? I’m trying to find the good estate sales.