My eldest child was born 5 years after we got married and yet she’s mad at us for not inviting her to the wedding. We will be focusing on math lessons this week
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I saved 15 per
cent on my insurance by
switching to haiku.
*accidentally pokes finger in my eye* I can’t even trust myself anymore.
Being married means never having to say you’re angry. You can clearly articulate it just by the way you breathe.
An e-mail confirming you’ve unsubscribed from a mailing list is a fun way of saying you’re not having the last word in THIS argument, pal.
valentines day should involve piñatas so single people can vent and still get candy lmao
Boy never ceases to amaze me
Did you know pigs have orgasms that last 30 minutes?
This is God thanking them for bacon.
Taught the 5yo to say “totes magotes” to annoy my husband who can’t figure out why the kid keeps yelling, “COACH MY GOATS, DAD!”
Nailed it.
My 3-year-old was having yogurt for breakfast. He decided to pretend it was ice cream. Then got mad at me because it really wasn’t ice cream.
There aren’t enough condom ads in the world.
when you just wanna do your zoom call but your cat wants to start an onlyfans
I’ll judge you by the way you treat people.
Also by your music and book preferences, but mostly the first thing.
no, YOU’RE clutching a string of kielbasas like rosary beads
[opening birthday cards]
me: [disappointed] there’s no money in any of these
walmart clerk: put those back
So aliens build high-tech spacecraft & travel thousands of light years just to give random people colonoscopies?
Play the long game? You mean Monopoly?
[prison]
PRISONER: what’s for breakfast
GUARD: every meal is bread & water
PRISONER: [is a duck] oh baby
SON: Daddy, what’s the river that flows through New York
ME: It’s The Hudson
HIM: The Hud. Ok. Thank you.
WIFE: Oh ffs
dating a skinny guy is cool and all until you’re cooking and you accidentally boil him with the noodles
me: this is my cousin, carlos
wife: nice to meet you
carlos: *kissing her hand* mucho gusto
me: *whispering in her ear* that means a lot of wind
My Grandfathers dying words to me were, “Are you still holding the ladder?”.
Oh, you’ve got 99 problems?
Amateur.
When you find the right person, hang on to them with all your might, cuz getting any help at Home Depot can take forever.
Mother’s Day is just an another made up holiday so the government can sell you more mothers
“The Mystery of the Chewed Shoe” was easily solved when one of the two primary suspects folded under the strain of interrogation.
Murphy’s Law – If it can go wrong, it will go wrong. Cole’s Law – shredded cabbage in mayo
“Shhhhh it’s sleeping”
I whisper while closing the door on my laundry pile
(Invention of the necktie)
I can’t figure out how to tie this silk noose. Looks like I’ll have to go to the dinner party after all.
Who comes up with this kinda stuff
What I’ve learned from Dateline:
1. A hit man is surprisingly cheap and they almost always take payment plans.
2. Random murders are rare.
3. One should keep a missing photo file so the news has all your “good” photos.
5. The husband totally did it.