Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“Christopher! What’s the rule?”
“Don’t eat the Amazon guy?”
“The other rule.”
“Don’t eat the UPS guy?”
“The OTHER rule.”
“Stay off the furniture?”
“That’s right.”

There’s a deaf couple fighting in the car in front of me in this parking lot & I kinda want to stay & watch because their signs are getting bigger & more yelly

My 9 year old went to bed annoyed with me because he said there’s a glacier in Venezuela and I laughed, said ok buddy are there polar bears too do they have a white Christmas get some sleep.
Just so you know, the glacier’s name is Humboldt.

Every time I watch Bambi I hope it will turn out differently, but I always end up drunk and covered in cool ranch doritos

I still cook my turkey the old fashioned way, I let my mom do it.

My uncle was found dead in his office last night by cleaning staff. I’m glad because he wore Crocs to my wedding in 2006.

“These are serious allegations”

You never hear about anyone making hilarious allegations.

Answer every question with “Yes, but is it deep-fried?”

Why do we call it losing weight instead of lightening up?

what’s this 9 year gap in your resume?
Me: oh that? someone bought me a Rubik’s cube

Fellas, don’t feel like you can’t offer your wife cooking tips, even after she spends all day making a delicious home cooked meal. And it doesn’t hurt to throw in “That’s not how my mom used to do it”.

Me: it’s not you, I just don’t like talking on the phone, I’m super awkward oh god, u think I’m weird for saying that don’t u
911 operator: ma’am is he still stabbing u

This bar smells like my childhood.

Bake cookies and the house smells good for 20 minutes.

Bake fish and 4 months later the house still smells like an episode of Deadliest Catch.

Marriage is saying “they’re both the same” while secretly knowing that one bowl of ice cream is slightly better than the other bowl of ice cream

be myself? the person who got me into this mess????

(3 minutes into a hunger strike)

Alright I’m ready to make some concessions.

Eggnog is one of my top ten favorite nogs

how to achieve the perfect smokey eye: apply eyeliner yesterday

Homeschooling update day 3:

Me: *Googles mortality rates for homeschooling parents*

Sad? Confused? There’s a nap for that.

One time I corrected a student when she spelled “through” “thru” and she responded “that’s how *I* spell it”. I could suddenly somehow see her future self putting “if you can’t handle me at my worst, you don’t deserve me at my best” in her Tinder profile

Doctor: You can’t drink while on these meds.

Me: Wanna bet?

Designer: How big should the gap between the car’s front seat and center console be?

Boss: Big enough for your phone to fall through.

Designer: And also big enough for your hand to retrieve it?

Boss: haha oh goodness no

How to stop checking someone’s Facebook page:

1. Delete your Facebook profile
2. Break your phone
3. Give away your laptop
4. Die

I bet there are muppets that have thought about shanking Elmo.

PRINCE CHARMING: The glass slipper fits! You’re my true love!
CINDERELLA: worst 👏 dating app 👏 ever

To Doo List:
1. Cockadoodle
2. Yabba Dabba
3. Voo
4. Sea
5. Didgeri

This day in history. 1810. Sweden declared war on its ally the United Kingdom initiating 2 years of fairly spiteful Christmas card exchanges.

Why do the French eat snails?

Because they don’t like fast food.