My eldest daughter is gifted. Next Christmas she’ll be getting regifted.
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The pasta is now
God inventing the fox: How’s about a dog… but sexy?
Well, that’s disappointing. I called every crematorium in the state, and they all only do dead people.
I tell my kids to charge their iPads and then I charge them cause who’s really punished when they’re dead?
I see you keep your wallet and cell phone in your bra
Cute
*reaches into bra, pulls out an entire wheel of cheese*
I wish my doctor would put down a little treat to distract me like my vet does for my dog.
There’s plenty more fish in the sea
“Actually we’ve 5% the tuna we once had. 10% of sharks. 5% of cod”
I’m bad at consoling dumped friends
I always feel better when my doctor says something is normal for my age but then think dying will also be normal for my age at some point.
I’m 99% sure the plane Harrison Ford was in is from the Amelia Earhart exhibit at the Smithsonian.
I miss walking my dog on July 5th, wondering if I’ll have to wrestle a blown off finger from him.
MY CAT (checking her watch urgently): 3:30am? oh heavens I was almost late for parkouring loudly about the house
You’ve been kidnapped. Your kidnappers allow you to keep tweeting to pretend everything is alright. What would you tweet that would alarm your followers without the kidnappers knowing you’re asking for help?
“And then I put in the exact amount of garlic the recipe called for.”
[6 PM]
Tween:
[7 PM]
Tween:
[8 PM]
Tween:
[9 PM]
Tween: I need a poster board for school tomorrow.
just great. my first shift as a secret service agent and i overslept :/ hopefully nothing bad happened
Canadians: Maybe they’re born with it, maybe it’s maple leaf.
If the government keeps doing nothing for much longer, it will get its own reality show on E!
Ain’t no party like a pig farm party cuz a pig farm party got slop.
Be the reason why your priest speaks in a dead language at your exorcism.
I wonder if Scarlett Johansson ever fantasizes about fat comic book nerds, or is that just a one-way street?
Mirena IUD Commercial on Hulu: “If you can’t keep a plant alive, you definitely aren’t ready to have a baby.”
Me to my kids sitting in the room WHO KNOW THEIR MOM KILLED A CACTUS ONCE: “Welp. This is awkward.”
Mom texted that she’s enjoying a no tech day, and I think it may be time to explain some things to her.
*camping*
Son, “What’s the wifi password?”
Me, “We’re communing with nature, get off your phone.”
Son, “Does communing have two m’s or one?”
The 9:50 from Paris has been diverted. Nothing to do with the weather, we just don’t like the French.
You know it’s time to quit smoking when you laugh at a tweet and you sound like Muttley.
Early morning work meeting, boss kept telling us to “lean in”
I leaned in so much, I fell asleep at my desk.
*Ancient Egypt*
Me: My abacus won’t work
IT: Hit giant eye + guy holding snakes + big ass bird
Me: Nothing
IT: Okay, reset *shuffles abacus*
PSYCHIATRIST: You seem distracted.
ME: I have “Tom’s Diner” in my head.
PSYCHIATRIST: Haha… It’s a catchy song!
ME: Yeah, it is.
PSYCHIATRIST: How long has it been stuck in your head?
ME: Since 1987. That’s why I’m here.
Noah’s flood = God clearing his browser history
me: THAT’S IT YOU’RE GROUNDED
son: [shrugs]
me: U LOSE UR PHONE
son: ok
me: AND UR COMPUTER
son: whatever
me: AND…AND…
son: [smirks]
me: NO GRAVITY FOR A WEEK
son: wait, no- [smacks into ceiling]