My eldest nephew is on the spectrum, and his one-liners are iconic.
My mom told him, “I’m disappointed in you.”
He looked at her and replied, “Well, let’s hope you get over that feeling by tomorrow.”
That was 5 days ago. She has yet to provide a proper reply LMFAO
Weird how all salons are closed on Sundays, yet if you can convincingly fake a heart attack, paramedics will shave your chest-hair for free.
A “birthday card” from my 8 y/o…
Hallmark, you hiring?
Wife: ugh I feel fat
Me: please take your hands off me
[inventing alcohol]
What if there were an elixir that made me want to fight a police horse
Once I went to a concert and I tried to throw my panties up on the stage but I suck at throwing so they landed in the crowd like four feet ahead of me and I was asking some guy, “Hey can I get my underwear back? Sir. Can I please. Get my underwear back. Excuse me?”
STUDENT: Will there be a final?
PROFESSOR: Does a bear shit in the woods?
BEAR STUDENT: *from the back row* Thats none of your damn business
YOU CAN ORDER AN AIR HORN ON AMAZON AND BRING THE FIGHT DIRECTLY TO THE GEESE.
So I have one coworker who uses “irregardless” and another who uses “unappropriate” and now I’m over trying to conversate with these people.
When you donate sperm they ask if you have any “sociopathic tendencies”. I was like “other than creating people for money? ..No.”
My favorite sound in the world is my kids laughter.
A close second is when their breathing changes indicating they’ve fallen asleep thus giving me permission to stare at my phone peacefully
Me *starts peeling potatoes*
My kid: are the fries ready yet?
Face down, ass up, that’s the way I like to… get the stupid cat toys out from underneath all of my furniture.
My cat likes to meow at me a lot. I like to meow back at him.
Sometimes when I meow back he stops meowing and I worry that I might have insulted his mum or something
i enjoy driving and flying on planes because they both allow me to experience my unrelenting and constant fear of dying but also i get to sit down
Wife: Why can’t you be more spontaneous?
Me: *jumps out the window*
What I lack in drive, I more than make up for in drive-thru.
Me: coming to the office Xmas party?
Steve: no [whispers] Lisa just lost her father
Me: there’ll be like 50 of us there. We’ll help you look
*thinks my friend Liz’s full first name is Lizard* Lizard. Listen to me. Why are you laughing. Lizard be serious. Lizard please
14 y.o.: OMG MOM!!!! Are you okay?!?! Do you need some water? Are you having a heart attack? Why does your face look like that?
⠀
Me: I’m not having a heart attack, I just ran for five minutes.
If anyone wants to know how WWIII will actually start…. 🤣
my mom treats her air pods like they’re disposable. buys a few a month. she says they would be easier to not lose if they had….a cord
My 3 year old reported seeing a spider-cricket and I couldn’t find it so we’re outside watching the house burn.
At my funeral I want the picture of me next to the coffin to have eyeholes cut out with someone behind it glaring at people coming in.
wife: You’re home early
me [hugging the dog] I had to see you
Oops. Everyone brought their “see you next year”s to work today and I only brought my throat slashing gesture.
Instructor: “Weapons are oft named for their purpose.”
Young Woman: *nervously eyes the cutlass*
I consider myself Christlike in that I refuse to believe my parents ever had sex with each other.
If someone says, “right about now” and you don’t respond with “the funk soul brother” we can’t be friends.
I’m like a snack in the way that I hide in the pantry a lot
The Phantom of the Opera paints a false picture that chicks dig dudes that play a mean pipe organ
