My electric kettle got broken so I had to make tea using my acoustic kettle.
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Our ‘thoughts and prayers’ go out to all the vegans and innocent cabbages everywhere.
ME: how much for the Oompa Loompas?
HER: what? they’re not for sale!
ME: this is preposterous
HER: no, this is a daycare
I dread doing laundry as if I didn’t have a machine that washes the clothes for me and another that dries them for me, as I do nothing
What’s dopamine is dopayours.
“You looked stressed”
Me: “Thanks, it’s probably all the stress”
Researching blood spatter patterns to make tonight’s Shelf Elf display as technically accurate as possible
[airplane strafes the ground with machine guns]
Mozzarella: *checks self* I’m OK.
Cheddar: Me too! That was close, eh Swiss? …Swiss?
Watched the movie Gravity tonight. Didn’t see as much gravity as I expected. Two thumbs down based on that.
The road to hell is paved with good intentions
Note to self…avoid good intentions at all costs.
“Aaaaaaaaand done!”
-me, breaking the last of my new year’s resolutions
“Would you rather be right or—“
YES
I’d grill your cheese.
~me, flirting
me: someone stole my glasses
cop: what did they look like
me: how would i know
Half the time I hug anyone I’m just wiping my hands off on their back.
[Movie theater]
*as the previews begin, I pull an entire ice cream cake out of my refrigerated cooler-purse*
I once planned a trip around Australia using a dial-up computer that took longer than the trip itself
The Joker did a lot of horrific things but the thing I objected to the most was him bringing a date to his open mic.
Cartoons led me to believe cities were filled with more folks trying to catch dogs in nets on sticks.
She wasn’t like other girls.
She was fifty stories of ceramic and titanium, bristling with particle cannons and mass drivers, built to drive back the horrors that came from between the stars and perhaps one day bring the war to their doorsteps.
And prom was in one week…
[Running away from home]
Me: I didn’t even know houses could run this fast!
I never feel greater anxiety than the anxiety I feel when I watch people leaving a Marvel movie during the credits.
What happens in Vegas will most likely cost you a fortune in dry cleaning.
9: What did that message on the TV say
Me: It said, the film has been modified to fit our screen
9: How do they know what size TV we have?
Salsa counts as a serving of vegetables, right?
Wait …
“El Chapo” is a Mexican drug lord ….
and not the guy who’s been stealing
our Chapsticks for years ?
It’s the point of the night where I either keep my drunk friend from making an ass of herself or just tape it for youtube.
him: you’re an perfect 10.
me: omg, thank you!!! you want to go out some time or—
shoe salesman: i meant, your feet, sir.
When a movie says “Based on a true story.” it means this is sort of what happened but with way uglier people.
For as long as that song was, you’d think the Ghost Busters would have mentioned their phone number at least once…