My electric kettle got broken so I had to make tea using my acoustic kettle.
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My last cat loved deli meat, chicken pot pie, and spaghetti. Beto just looks at human food from across the room like “did it come out of a bag with my face on it? No?? That’s what I thought”
For all the bad things that happened this year I sure did get fat.
I have always been suspicious of Wendy’s hamburgers because they are square; much unlike the round hamburgers one finds in nature.
“I’m gonna make a cool new social media site for college kids, but only for a few years. Then it’ll be a mom scrapbook” ~ Mark Zuckerberg
Not to sound overdramatic but if I don’t have a carb in the next 12 minutes, I will fight everyone at this JOANN FABRICS
[after dinner]
Mugger: gimme your wallet.
Me: can I keep my drivers license?
Mugger: fine.
Me: [velcro sound].
Mugger: I can’t be seen with that.
Me: oh.
Mugger: gimme your shoes instead.
Me: [velcro sound].
Mugger: you know what forget it.
Anyone that breaks up with me gets followed around by a gang of feral raccoons with tiny signs that say “Really?” and “Seriously dude?” for at least, a month.
[at hairstylist]
Make me look like I’m running really fast.
Coworker: You look angry.
Me: I’m not.
CW: Really angry.
Me: THIS IS MY NORMAL FACE
Please sign my petition to get my husband off the couch
*prepares to cook vegetarian chili* *spills the beans* Whoa, I suppose you could call that.. *lowers shades with a spatula*.. Kidney failure
I bought a white bathrobe and splattered it with red paint just to freak out my neighbors when I go get the mail.
my boyfriend invited the neighbors over for dinner “sometime,” so now we have to move.
I saw a car flipped over on the way to work and I was envious because they probably get to take the day off
My boyfriend is taking me to a Spanish restaurant for dinner, I’m kind of scared, I don’t speak Spanish, how will I know not to order dog
“Pres. Trump, how do you plan to respond to this attack on our soil?”
TRUMP: OK first, I’ve seen several people call me Tronald Dump online
Hey, girl. I noticed you checking out my Hello Kitty socks. Just so you know…the boxers match.
*winks*
i got you a candy necklace for a present but then something happened so i got you this string instead
I wonder if Eric Clapton really thought she looked Wonderful or was it just the 20th outfit she’d tried & he just wanted to get to the party
Not to brag, but I just went into another room and actually remembered why I went in there…
It was the bathroom…but still…
My husband Scott and I don’t have much of a sex life anymore. I’ve been getting off Scott free for years
Great British Bake Off but you pair every contestant with a 3-year-old who really wants to help.
burglar: [breaks into house]
my dog: “BARK BARK BARK BARK”
burglar: [strokes dog’s head]
my dog: “i have misjudged this very nice man”
You don’t scare me. You’re not the evil eye I get from my dog when I make him get up from the couch so I can lay down.
Someone left a handful of random candy scattered on my doormat and I’m having the hardest time recalling whose van I got into recently…
[Hospital]
Me:How’s my dad?
Dr:I’m afraid he’s in critical condition*shout from inside room
“You’ve never lived to up to your potential!”
Yet another “No DMs” bio. All this civil rights progress but bigotry against Dungeon Masters is still tolerated.
Feeling authoritative. Gonna comment “behave yourself” under pictures of people just having a good time.
“Nothing beats in-person interaction”. Yeah, with someone I know and love, not Denise from finance.
If you’re not supposed to have sex in an elevator, why are the ceilings mirrored?
Now security is showing me out.