Yesterday I went to a fight and a baseball game broke out.
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Alien wife: I hope you get sucked into a black hole.
Alien hubby: Yours? Hahaha
*slaps where his knee should be*
You know what celebrity they should get for Dancing With the Stars? That plastic bag from American Beauty.
There are exactly 2 options for headphone cord sizes:
1. Headphone users have torsos?
2. Giraffe strangler
“911, What’s your emergency?”
I… I shot him
“Shot who sir?”
He said the Beatles suck
“Is he alive?”
Yes
“Try holding a pillow over his face”
*steals machine parts all year*
*gets coal for xmas*
“Santa you idiot, the parts were for a pressure chamber”
*turns coal into diamond*
PMS: Your eyes look empty.
ME: I feel great.
PMS: Better put mascara on.
ME: To look pretty?
PMS: To look crazy when I make you cry.
Whenever I see a couple doing yard work, I like the one standing by the bags of dirt who looks like they can’t quite believe they are outdoors and can’t fathom how they’ve gotten caught up in this terrible thing.
My kids can’t play at your house because they might begin to think laundry doesn’t live on the couch.
Bedroom notes:
Whipped cream – Yes
Sriracha – No
Never play chess with a British person. Their queen never dies.
My dog’s dinner: pork tenderloin, quinoa, and kale
My dinner: 12-15 mini chocolate donuts
hi, yeah, do u have a minute to talk about our lord and savior Godzilla
Stop, drop, and roll but for flame wars:
Stop – and think about it, you don’t even know this angry person.
Drop – your ego, and just go with it. You think I’m trash? Neat. Thanks.
Roll – away from any further discussion by muting or blocking
My kids prefer apples without peel, sandwiches without crust, cherries without pits, and fathers without spare time.
“hey, aren’t you the guy from high school who would disagree with everything?”
no
*goes back to group of friends*
was it him?
“I don’t know”
Radio Shack would have filed for bankruptcy years ago but they’ve been trying to do it using dial-up internet
How do I feel about your goatee? I shave every part of my legs except the knees, how do you feel about that?
I’m starting a merciful puzzle company that keeps the edge pieces separate from the middle pieces because it’s 2019 and we shouldn’t have to work so hard to be bored.
I have consumed so much potato salad the last couple of days, I’m sweating mayo
Trying to get home and now I have to complete a side quest
The company CEO gives a few words of personal appreciation each year at the holiday party.
I got, “Oh, you’re still here?”
Saying no thanks to a CW’s offer to hit me with their car so I could take the day off proves decisions shouldn’t be made before coffee
[taking girlfriend out]
her dad: have her back at a reasonable time
me: don’t worry sir *clicks seatbelt* i have her back all the time
her dad: propose
If the conversation gets too serious take your pants off.
[dog park]
Dog: omg I just found out I’m adopted
Other Dogs: [barking in shock]
I had a stalker once but he saw me eating soup
My kid wants to make a trap to catch rabbits from our yard for pets. I believe in supportive parenting, so I told her if she can catch them she can keep them, and then I told my husband that if he helps her the rabbits will be the only ones getting frisky
Is your refrigerator running?
Because I might vote for it.