My email password has been hacked. That’s the third time I’ve had to rename my cat.
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“Are You Hugging Me, Or Are You Trying to Wipe Snot on My Shirt?”
– A Novel About Living with Small Children
Why can’t deer slowly cross the road, all cool and Pacino like
“I’m walking here!”
Keeping a very sharp knife next to my bed in case a burglar breaks in and wants sashimi
(asking for a raise at work) please, my landlord needs this
Overheard 10 plan her b-day party with her BFF, including renting several hotel rooms for a mega sleepover.
Somebody tell her, I can’t.
one time I was in the hospital elevator with a resident and then the elevator got stuck and I was like “omg we are going to die” and she was like “omg YES I needed this today” and sat down and started eating a granola bar
no regrets
Capri Sun taught me how to stab with accuracy.
I remember when people had the common decency to not look at you while you’re staring at them.
Brain: Talk to that girl.
Me: She’s ugly. You’re drunk.
Brain: No you are.
Me: How many fingers am I holding up?
Brain: 12.
Me: Lucky guess.
yall want some gasoline milk
thanks auntie mary
You can always tell if the person in a portrait is a politician by the way their lies follow you around the room
Two days in a row someone has tried using my Apple Card to buy flowers. Buddy, walk over to your neighbors garden and steal some roses like a real man. The world has gone soft.
Nope. Not gonna follow anyone whose name is upside down. I got enough problems.
Be careful of what you say online because future employers might see it and will probably want to start hanging out with you
[cashier training, day 1]
“Be sure to comment on everything a customer buys. They love that.”
I went for a run but came back home after 5 minutes because I forgot something.
I forgot that I’m fat and can’t run for more than 5 minutes
Of course I’m more of a yeeeeeee-haaaaaw! than a wooooohoooo! kinda guy because Texan and whatnot.
“Mommy never mind I’ll ask you later when you’re not scooping the phone out of the toilet.”
– My current favorite child
Some people are like sunglasses. Your day just becomes so much brighter when you accidentally drop them off the side of the boat
Sucks how every girl I’m interested in is either taken or has good taste in men.
Motherhood is full of surprises but the biggest surprise is when I take my bra off at night and random things I hid from my kids come tumbling out.
[first day as doctor]
ME: *holding patient’s hand* I have some bad news
PATIENT: what is it
ME: I amputated the wrong hand
interviewer: it says here u have a number of skills?
me: yes that number is zero
Hey boy are you my washing machine? Because neither of you know how long 15 minutes last.
Yo How the f##k you spell Matthew Micconohay
[stranded on Mars journal]
day 1: rob and I have enough oatmeal to last us 300 days
day 2: I ate rob
Wife: I wish you’d just admit when you’ve made a mistake
Me: *stirring my coffee serenely* I prefer it with salt
I am “I have to go to bed because my back hurts from sitting on the couch” years old.