My email password has been hacked. That’s the third time I’ve had to rename the cat.
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Alligators sewing little pictures of rich white people on their shirts.
in the song “the final countdown” they do not actually count down, thus invalidating the basis of the song. furthermore,
One time I was really high and attempted to flush my foot down the toilet. There was no Twitter then, so I’m telling you now.
According to the Internet:
Xbox One
– $500.
– Weaker hardware.
– Mandatory daily check-in.
– Requires Kinect.
– DRM.PS4
– Cures cancer.
CDC: we need 2 million ventilators
STARBUCKS BARISTA: what’s a lator
Yes, sex is great but have you ever told someone “i told you so”.
No matter how often I scream METALLICA in the poolside DJ’s face I don’t think he’s going to play them. Here come the police they’ll help me
I am not on a plant based diet but my lungs are
I don’t know if I’m still tired or already tired.
My favorite Bible stories are where women are villains for things like picking fruit or getting their boyfriend a better haircut.
I thought I heard a noise last night so I got my bat and crept into the kitchen just to find out it was my own stomach grumbling.
ME: my therapist told me to stop talking about people as if they weren’t here
THERAPIST: [rubbing temples] i know
Walnut: I look like a brain.
Broccoli: I look like a tree.
Mushroom: I look like an umbrella.
Banana: …. How about that stock market!
I’d be a terrible masseuse. After 5 minutes, I’d be like, “Okay, my turn.”
Avoid getting crumbs in your bed by eating in your kid’s bed.
TSA agent: I’m sorry we don’t allow liquids over 3.4 ounces
me: ok I’ll finish it here [drenches myself with Axe deodorant]
GENIE: you have three wishes
ME: make math go away
GENIE: ha ok that one’s on the house
ME: oh so I still get three wishes?
GENIE: huh?
“If you love the bed so much why don’t you marry it?”
*imagines beautiful ceremony on the beach, me & Beddy.
No one can stop our love now.
Pharmaceutical ads really be like “HEY is your doctor an IDIOT? suggest this drug to them bc they’re probably so DUMB they haven’t even THOUGHT of it YET”
Stop = Hammer time
Full stop = Grammar time
Let’s continue this argument later on when I’m alone in the shower and you’re not there to defend yourself
PLOT TWIST: Maybe eating a doughnut wasn’t cheating on my diet. Maybe going on a diet was cheating on my doughnuts.
It’s like you don’t appreciate this bag of toenails and I can’t deal with this right now.
As all of evolution expected, I’ve decided not to eat that butterfly with the angry looking eyes on its wings.
the toddler refers to every baby as Baby [Name], like Baby is their formal title
When I’m having a bad day nothing sets me off quite like trying to pull one wipe out of the container and 47 more coming with it
I never believed in hypnosis until I spent six straight hours staring at the bakery’s rotating pie display case.
CIVIL ENGINEER: ok let’s build stuff.
UNCIVIL ENGINEER: *smashes popsicle stick bridge*
Cashier: this coupon expired last week
Me: so did this yogurt
my main career goal atm is to find a big bag of money in the woods