My email password has been hacked. That’s the third time I’ve had to rename the cat.
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My doctor said I needed to reduce stress. Great, now I have that to worry about.
[quarantine routine]
7am: woke up
8am: fell out of bed
9am: dragged a comb across my head
10am: found my way downstairs and drank a cup
11am: looking up I noticed I was late
12pm: found my coat and grabbed my hat
1pm: made tiktoks with my cat
The moment I met my mother-in-law, I could instantly tell that she was the type to unfairly judge me.
The French word for sex is croissant.
My wife is great at multitasking. She can be mad at me for five different things at the same time.
The difference between a turtle and a tortoise is the tortoise chose to race a hare and the turtle became a Ninja.
Art teacher: I think you’ve misunderstood. It’s the models who will be nude.
Me: Well this is awkward.
I recycle jokes because I care about the environment, Samantha.
Ah yes. The three genders
“I’m going to lay right here in the doorway and give people a dumb look as they trip over me.”- Damned dog…. Could’ve been me though.
‘In my humble opinion…’ yeah right lmao sounds really modest already
Popeye was heart healthy because he liked to eat spinach and Olive Oil.
Pigeons always look like they’re jamming out to an invisible iPod.
My kid hasn’t finished her homework but she did call a family meeting to show us the 20 slide presentation she created on why we should get a cat.
ELMO WANT BIG HUG!!! ELMO WANT KIDS TO KNOW THAT JET FUEL COULDN’T POSSIBLY MELT STRUCTURAL STEEL
I love the people in parking lots with “free kittens” signs because I too feel that kittens shouldn’t be oppressed.
I get my vegetables the same way every other adult does…an iced carrot cake muffin.
My neighbours are loud and obnoxious. Now I know how Canada feels.
At Walmart during the holidays like..
I love lifting but it’s so embarrassing that I’ve become a gym bro like, my parents told me I’m gonna hurt myself lifting and drinking preworkout and I was like “well I’d rather die as a lion than live as a sheep.” Wtf? I need to shut up like who do I think I am
I always cry at wedding ceremonies because I don’t want to be there.
Not to brag or anything, but I scored 4 points on flappy bird before my phone mysteriously flung itself across the room
I’m currently reading a book about a couple of insects who fall in love in an Italian city.
It’s a Rome ants novel.
First date
Her: So what do you do?
Him: I’m currently trying to eliminate all cancers
Her: Wow, impressive
Him: Then I’ll move on to Virgos
Damn boy, is your name Dulcolax because you irritate the shit out of me.
I have also decided to not buy Twitter.
I call my wife the iNag because she has 32GB of complaints and they’re set on shuffle.
The date was going great until she spooked me and then I squirted her with ink and quickly swam away