My emotional support pig is now my therapy bacon.
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70’s horror movies gave me a healthy respect for the power held by chainsaws and deserted farmhouses
Car trouble, miss? Allow me to squint, and posture heroically while staring at your labyrinthine engine as panic cascades through my spine.
I’d rather take a bullet for my son than cover for him when mom asks who left the dirty dishes in the sink…
Told my friends that I was qualified to give them Botox injections. I raised a few eyebrows.
[Picking up a prescription]
Pharmacist: Wait. You’re Rodney Lacroix?
Me: Um. Yes.
Pharmacist: I’ve heard you’re funny.
Me:
Pharmacist:
Me:
Pharmacist:
Me: Well, right now I feel like I’m dying so can I have my prescription?
Pharmacist: omg you’re hysterical
Text from girlfriend: I love u more than anything else
Me: I love all the letters equally
My timeline is flooded with ads for push up bras. I know I’m out of shape but that’s just mean, Twitter.
“Come out of your shell” they said.
*2 minutes later*
“Back in the shell… BACK IN THE SHELL!!!”
There’s a window in my living room that wasn’t there yesterday. No matter what time it is, when I look out, all I see is a vast and eternal night. Something gaunt and yellow-eyed comes by and peers in, occasionally tries to open the window. I’m gonna get it with the spray bottle.
My neighbour keeps making cutting remarks like “you really need a better lawnmower”
I know a bad idea when I see one.
Smelled my finger after I took the bandaid off of it.
Don’t do that.
Road Runner was my favorite cartoon that showed running from your problems works if you’re fast as hell.
To: Everybody
Subject: Dance Now
Cc: Music Factory
Superman: Cool underwater lair. Can I use the bathroom?
Aquaman: The what?
Every winter Olympic sport is based on something ancient humans had to learn to do in order to not die.
Except for curling, which was based on a game a mom invented to convince her 4-year-old chores can be fun.
One of my sons says he likes my new haircut, and the other will have to twirl a sign outside a Mattress Firm to pay for college, I guess.
If you’re bringing a kid to my house, it better be a baby goat.
Barista: Name?
Me: Ursula
Barista: With an E?
Me: no, U
If I had a time machine I’d probably go back and kill Hitler but I’d definitely stop on the way to object at my wedding.
I can now tell the hour of the day by which part of my body needs a heating pad.
Can’t. Doing hot girl shit.
*decapitates lemon gummy bears with glistening incisors
Probably even more relevant for the next couple of days.
“Just make sure he knows these are for Christmas AND his birthday”
Happy Birthday if it’s yours today.
Should I shampoo my carpet before using my air conditioner?
Her: Show me your pics
Me: Ok*blackberry restarts*
*waiting*
*gets married*
*have kids*Son: Dad, your phone finished restarting
*dies*
*at the pond*
“hon—there’s something i need to ask you”*emotional* yes?
*blows duck call*
*ducks on water arrange to spell out ‘TACOS?’*
My son just suggested a foundation to bring young tortoises to important events so that 150 years later people can say “this tortoise witnessed Biden’s inauguration” etc
I hated muffins until I was 17 & saw someone remove the wrapper on the bottom of a muffin before eating one. Prior to this, I thought it was just part of the muffin eating experience & would angrily eat muffin wrappers because… I just thought that I had to.
Before marriage: fantasizes spending life together.
After marriage: fantasizes spending life insurance alone.