My employer added a clause in my last NDA stating that I was prohibited from saying anything “disparaging” about the company. Now when anyone asks about job postings I tell them, “I’m contractually obligated not to say anything disparaging about them.” None have ever applied.
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I bet all the cool math nerds call each other algebros.
O Wise One….
They always say “Take it one day at a time.” Like two is an option….
I’d throw you a flower, infact, I’d throw you an entire plant.
Getting married is easy, staying married is hard.
Just ask my girlfriend, her husband drives her crazy.
the first snowflake of winter: *falls*
my body: WE DEMAND SOUP
Eating vegetables after a failed attempt at picking up your shirt with your toes.
*whispers* forlorn corn.
Because of social distancing if someone cuts you off and gives you the finger you can’t get out and fight them which is why I now carry a jousting lance in the Jeep.
My wife still brings up that one time in 2013 I was indecisive about which shirt to wear, after her water broke
These boots were made for walking, and that’s just what they’ll do. One of these day–oh goddamn it. Did you glue these to the floor, Carl?!
Sorry random child at the playground that my daughter just invited to her birthday party 4 months from now. It’s never going to happen.
Based on their level of excitement, bros in beer commercials seem unaware that you can pretty much buy beer anywhere.
Cop: “You have one call – make it important!”
*phone*
Me: “I’ve been arrested for making prank calls.”
Man: “Who is this?”
Me: “Hugh Jass.”
So the fight looks like it’s not going to happen and now I’m stuck with 15 boxes of ‘Zuck Around And Find Out’ t-shirts in my garage ffs.
Can’t wait to see my CW’s face Monday morning when she asks me how my weekend was, and I tell her I took a bunch of tramadol and fell asleep in the garden with my chickens.
Jurassic Park came out 30 years ago, and now I feel like the fossil.
If you watch the Social Network backwards, it’s about a man gaining more friends and a girlfriend as he spends less time on Facebook.
Accidentally connected my Fitbit account to Facebook and now everyone knows I only walked 13 steps yesterday.
Welcome to your 40’s you are 15-20lbs overweight no matter what and sweat constantly. You irritate anyone under 30, and have 5 years max left before your phone completely confuses you.
Batman v Dracula
“I wondered if I could use a study room that’s private and out of the line of sight where nobody can see or hear what I’m doing in there.”
“Well, since you put it that way, absolutely not.”
oh you’re bisexual? name every man and woman
Remember back when we had energy? Those were the days.
If your girl can fold a fitted sheet, she probably has a good recipe for a spell using newts
[Driving]
*Sees a McDonald’s*
*Thinks coffee*
*Also thinks Sausage Egg McMuffin Meal so that coffee doesn’t get lonely in my tummy*
Probably the most valuable life lesson I’ve learned from a movie is to not steal black girls’ cheer routines.
Please. Stop. Tweeting. Stop. Like. Stop.This.Stop. It. Stop. Looks.stop.Like.stop A stop.Telegram.stop so. Stop. Please. Stop!
My God: dead.
My world: disenchanted.
My invitation on LinkedIn: declined.
Woke up this morning with a pillow over my face, hearing someone muttering “…it would be so easy…”