My employer & colleagues all believe I am hard of hearing. I’m not. But it gets me out of having to engage in frivolous conversations & taking part in pointless hour-long meetings that could have been condensed into a 2 minute email. I get so much more work done as a “deaf” guy.
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If the doctor doesn’t know and just refers you to another doctor, they should refund you.
My knee hurts so bad today and I have tried everything under the sun to make it feel better— everything except vodka.
That ends five minutes ago.
#BrexitIn5Words
He’s just not into EU
step 6: release the wall snake
[speaking very loudly to no one trying to impress someone nearby]
Man what am I going to do with all these hens
Twitter yesterday: We are outraged about the lion!
Twitter today: We are outraged about the outrage about the lion!
Crazy sister put: “I had a child very young so I had to mature quickly” on her resume once. Put her email address as MONKEYTUSHIES87 too.
[Asking someone out]
Um…so do you want to come to my exorcism next week?
So crazy to think that a group of ninjas could be fighting right next to me and I’d never know
I dont mean to brag but my sense of humour has people saying they worry about me sometimes.
Cute animal videos may be turning me vegetarian. Off the menu so far: donkeys, sugar gliders, and bumblebees born without wings.
Boss: My door is always open
Me: I know and it makes it really hard for me to leave work early
her: HELP ME! I’m bleeding out!
me: Not on my watch you aren’t!
her: Oh, my hero! Thank you!
me [tucking watch in pocket] Huh?
Yess ocifer b-b-but in dog beers I’ve only had two.
devastated to learn that 2020 is just three 2019’s stacked in a trench coat
Yesterday, I build a closet. Today, I’m making jam. Tomorrow, I’m ending inequality. Jk, I’m reenacting Connan the barbarian with sock puppets
I’m afraid to be cremated and have the whole place smelling like honey BBQ and bacon
ME: let me take you to a nice dinner
HER: ok
ME: somewhere they make the food right there in front of you
HER: oh like Benihana?
ME: (slipping subway coupons back in my pocket) I guess so
My walk of shame is just me leaving a party trying to hide a Tupperware container of leftover cake under my hoodie.
I just found a marshmallow Santa in my desk drawer, I’m guessing I shouldn’t eat it.
*wipes chocolate from mouth
Good luck trying to stop kids using their smartphones at school. Their cunning will defeat you. I’m still trying to remove the parental lock my son put on my phone five years ago.
Today I realized that I lead an extremely secretive life for someone that no one is actually paying attention to.
“We had to let him go. He was only pulling 15 times his weight.”
– Corporate ants.
Nike actually called me and asked me to stop doing it.
This morning, my 3 year old son emerged from our bedroom wearing several of my wife’s scarves and every bracelet she owns. I know he’s young, and saying this may make me appear close-minded and intolerant, but I don’t want him growning up to be Johnny Depp.
Groundhogs around the world are sitting around complaining about Phil and how ‘he doesn’t deserve the fame for doing what ANY groundhog can do!’
Why do we call them “restrictions,” anyway? Do you look at a life-jacket and think “there’s my drowning restriction”?
Can I ask you a question without you getting mad?
-People who are about to piss you off
Me: Hey Google Home.
GH: You can call me Google.
Me: *batting my lashes* My, you certainly do move fast.