EXECUTIVE: this ones not about murder is it
STEPHEN KING: its about children
E: ok
SK: in corn
E: thats nice
SK:who murder
E: dammit Stephen
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Me standing next to random car making phone call, Swiss policeman arrives,
“You cannot park there”
“It’s not my car”
“You have to move it”
“It’s not my car”
“Move it or get a fine”
“It’s not my car”
Policeman writes ticket,
“I did warn you”“It’s not my car”
me: [nervously] how often do these things crash
flight attendant: just once usually
Yesterday we got a puppy and my kids are so smitten that they’ve cut down their screen time enormously by 5%
“The only thing we have to fear is fear itself, and being tagged in a super unflattering photo.”
Dropped mother-in-law at airport.
Her flight isn’t until Tuesday, but with security and all, best to play it safe.
My New Years resolution is to be more of an enabler, like yes girl text your ex
Oh sure, the continents get to drift forever and it’s “a natural geologic process” but when I do it I’m “wasting my potential.”
This checks out
Everyone was sick in my house for a month and finally better and then my daughter coughed so I jumped off the balcony.
When I gave up sugar for Lent, I didn’t know I was also giving up travel, sex, human interaction, public gatherings, movies, drinking alone, peace of mind and sanity. I want sugar back.
Why aren’t you flourishing? Flourish, you piece of shit.
Ashley Madison website is having problems. But instead of addressing them directly, it’ll just look for a younger hotter website on the side
If I’m being honest, a Seven Nation Army probably could hold me back.
The first thing you must do when arriving at any beach is write I AM OKAY in rocks just to let any planes passing overhead know that you don’t need rescuing.
political ads are like “i”m the only one strong enough to stand for what’s right” then they send you an email “they’re kicking my ass, i’m desperate, i’m losing this thing, i need your $5”
PMS: Your eyes look empty.
ME: I feel great.
PMS: Better put mascara on.
ME: To look pretty?
PMS: To look crazy when I make you cry.
[bank robbery]
Me: *passes teller second note* ok, now I would like to make a deposit
There is absolutely nothing to stop your dentist from putting small tracking devices in your mouth. How would you know. You wouldn’t
“Look on the bright side – at least there’s more for us to drink with him gone” is, apparently, not something one should say at a wake.
6yo Son: Dad, why’d you spray cologne down there when you got outta the shower?
Me: How’s ice cream for dinner sound?
I took a “Which Friends character are you?” quiz and I got The Central Perk couch.
Me: I’d like a nap please.
Domino’s employee: Ma’am, this is Domino’s.
Me: Ok one extra large nap and an order of cheesy bread.
I was pretty high last night & I was like wouldn’t it be cool if there was a tiny little grocery store in everybody’s home, like a personalized little convenience store for one, and then I realized that I was literally just describing the experience of walking into ur own kitchen
Sometimes I feel like my dog is deeply disappointed in my lack of concern about the potential dangers of allowing our neighbors walk by our house
due to inflation 6 inches is now 9 inches
Today I was on the treadmill for over an hour. I was so pleased with my progress that tomorrow I might actually turn it on
My CW just barked.
Ok, it may have been a burp, but I’d like him a lot more if he were turning into a dog, so I think he barked.
My milkshake brings all the hot hazmat suit wearers to my yard
But only one at a time because quarantine
Why am I like this?
#Shipping #Ecommerce #SmallBusiness #USPS #ShipDude
The trick to falling asleep is putting your phone down. Unfortunately, that’s not a risk I’m willing to take.