My enemy threatened to send one armed man after me, but I’m not worried
I have two arms and should easily overpower him
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[God creating octopus]
Angel: We’re outta teeth. You gave too many to the sharks
God: Crap. What’s left?
Angel: Ink, suction cups, and parrot beaks
God: Hmmm..
A 5yo’s energy is wild. How are you doing parkour while you relax and watch tv? Why are you upside down? Relax, please I’m getting tired just watching you hahah
Hey electric toothbrush makers-
I don’t think they’re tall enough. One fell over on the counter and only took out four more toothbrushes, two deodorants, a hand soap dispenser, and a scented lotion.
Me: *holds an old lady’s hand as I cross the street*
Cop: Where …. Where is the rest of her??!!!
I opened my front door and saw a coyote in the yard and said “Oh, sorry” and closed the door like I’d walked in on an unlocked bathroom stall.
“This is the worst karaoke bar I’ve ever been in!”
– me whenever my wife sings while driving.
They make you fear empty nest syndrome as if you’ll never realize the joy in losing 5 loads of laundry.
“want to go grab some dinner?”
*lights cat on fire* sorry I can’t my cats on fire
Someone called me “down to earth” and I was like, “hey look, mister, you’ve got the wrong woman.”
italians don’t go to regular prison they go to a penne tentiary
dad: *hands me a taser* only use this on someone who you’re sure is going to hurt you
me: *immediately tases myself*
I’m not at all competitive [secretly races some woman on the self-checkout next to me so I finish first]
Imagine the havoc if raccoons could fly. Rotund shadows grow larger over a pizza guy moments before he’s swarmed by snarling, handsy demons.
– Hey babe, do you like how I did my makeup?
– Yes and if you want I can go and kill Batman with you.
English is kinda weird but I’m so glad it isn’t a gendered language. It is none of my business what gender bread identifies as.
I will flirt with you but honestly neither of us will have any idea it’s happening
Working with older people is annoying sometimes. Sir, your lunch at my age was Gin. Why you hassling me about adding salad dressing?!
Dear god, please let me have sex at least as often as adobe or java needs an update. Everyday.
I’ve found that Tupperware is a lot cheaper if you buy the ones that come filled with ice cream.
Writer: So this movie is about a little girl and her dog and…
Disney: Her parents die. Brilliant.
Writer: No.
Disney: Just her mom?
Writer: No.
Disney: Her dad?
Writer: No.
Disney: So then who dies? The girl? The dog?
Writer: Nobody dies!
Disney: Get out.
If life gives you raisins, there’s not much you can do.
You’ll never convince me people eat raisins for any other reason than by accident.
You think you have a pretty strong marriage until you try to help your 5th grader with her math homework together.
*detective bangs on table*
I SAID GIVE ME A NAME!
“Uh, Aaron?”
Aaron… I like it!
*’Aaron’ leaves interrogation room, ready for a new life*
Looking for family dinner suggestions. Last night we had: No! No! No! And Yuck!
My boss said I’m not allowed to nap at my desk, but apparently I’m not allowed to bring my bed into the office either. Make up your mind!
“What are you going to be when you grow up?”
Tired.
The answer is tired.
nurse: are you allergic to any medicine?
me: laughter
nurse: hahaha. OH MY GOD-
me [face swelling up]: i thold thou.
The cool thing about being a procrastinator is really bad ideas also don’t ever make it off the ground.
i could never be president. im overqualified.