My enemy threatened to send one armed man after me, but I’m not worried
I have two arms and should easily overpower him
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Are you tired of greasy pots and pans? Stubborn kitchen stains? Messy sponges and sprays? Me too. I wish the sun would devour the earth.
I just spent the day painting our fence. All I know is tomorrow I better be able to do karate.
i gotta figure out some insane rules for my kid that she doesn’t question until she gets older. “no pink lemonade in this house. it’s unnatural” and she’s like right of course, lemons are yellow, it’s unnatural. then decades from now she’s in a college dining hall like Wait What.
As you get older you’re supposed to find younger generations kind of scary, but how the fuck am I supposed to be intimidated by anyone who says “seggs” instead of sex.
Simple enough.
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I asked my doctor if I need to cancel my birthday party, but she said that’s only for events over 10 people.
barn owls must have been stoked when the barn was invented
The only reason i’m not practicing bungee jumping is because i refuse to be weighed.
[During quarantine]
Kidnapper: 25,000 by this Sunday if you want to see your kids again.
Me: how about 40,000 and you keep them til next weekend?
Dad: *puts arm around my shoulder* Just remember son, if it doesn’t go well it’s always ok to just dust yourself off and try again until you get it right
*his eyes flicker to my younger brother for just a split second too long*
I’ve hated dentists way before they started killing lions.
comic about CROWDSURFIN #hiveworks
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Best misinterpreted text ever!
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*hears giggling kids
7: Then baby cows can just walk into my house!
Me (in the bathroom): WHAAAAT?
If pigeons and chickens made a tribe would the be called the coo clucks clan ?🤔
Co-worker – Diet coke causes cancer.
Me – My grandfather died at 102.
CW- He used to drink diet coke?
Me – No, he minded his own business.
Flight attendant: The pilot has had a heart attack! So who can fly the plane??
Me: omg *nudges wife* I love riddles
No, no, I didn’t need to talk to a customer service representative, thanks. I just wanted to hear some terrible music.
I hate ramen noodles.
*Checks bank account balance*
I love ramen noodles!
me: i feel terrible
my doctor who is also a cat: have you been sprinting around the house at 2am and yelling for no reason?
me: uh, not really
my doctor who is also a cat: [scribbling in my chart] hmm yeah that’s not good
Things were going well with my date, until she noticed my Roomba was a Frisbee glued to a bunch of rats
American Horror Story: Public Restroom
Can’t go to sleep. I’m not sure if I should blame the cup of coffee I had at noon or vintage clown doll sitting at the foot of my bed.
Me: I’m going to be a great doctor one day
My patient: [bleeding out] when
Oh baby, were not going to need a ‘do not disturb’ sign. We’re going to need a ‘please don’t call the police were fine’ sign.
me doing my taxes: will i go to jail if i write off this pen?
some rich guy doing his taxes: deduct “the sea”
I once accidentally joined a cult because I zoned out mid-conversation and just kept saying “yeah, of course” every few minutes.
In your selfie, you had rabbit ears and little whiskers. You don’t really have any of those things! Catfish! Just like rainbow tongue girl.
Putting on a bra is like trying to wrestle two pigs into a potato sack.
Mediums are on the decline because no one from the past wants to talk to us anymore