Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Say what you will, but at least both of my AirPods still work.

Probably.

If I can just remember where the hell…

interviewer: describe yourself in 5 words

me: mathematically challenged

Him: How many glasses of wine have you had today?

Me: One, but it was in the shape of a giant bottle.

a new guy joined our group last night and he was taller than me and I joked “dang I’m used to being the tall one of the group” and he whispered in my ear “now you’re just the loud one” ???

“Are you submissive? 😏”

No, I’m off my meds with nothing left to lose

[first day as a juror] *applying lipstick* which way is the hung jury

ME: The kids have ruined their shoes
WIFE: Again? [sighs] Just throw them out

[Later]
ME: Stop crying kids, your mum says you have to leave

Why it’s so many prime days?

They broke ?

I wonder if husband spiders get annoyed when their spider wives use all the hot water in the shower shaving their 8 legs.

Celery. For when you really need to chew your water.

Getting all my homies to like my enemies bad tweets so they’re socially conditioned to tweet worse

Me sneaking to the kitchen at 2am to get a peanut butter bar

Currently the sexiest person in this empty field.

Honestly babies are so lazy like hold up your own head Charles, you have literally nothing else to do.

“I was about to sleep but just saw ice cream in the freezer”, an autobiography.

We are taking care of my friend’s dog for the rest of the month.

She’s been with us about 45 minutes so far. My boyfriend has said “I love you” three times already.

It took at least six months of dating before we said that to each other.

The year is 2016. Dads go out for a vape pen refill and never come back.

Woke up at 3am because I fell asleep in a recliner and my spouse went to bed and just left me there. So I crawled to bed and arranged the pillows to really constrict my airflow to make sure I snored the rest of the night.

Vampire: *getting impaled*
Please. My heart. It’s very stick..

My 9yo: the best teacher name at my school is Ms. Huggies.

Turns out her name is Ms. Hughes, but I’m gonna let that one ride for a while.

Arkansas was named when a pirate tried to spell Kansas

Just once, I’d like to see a judge take the verdict slip from the jury, look at it, and then turn and say,

ARE YOU SHIT’N ME?

My proper Mom said to get fully dressed for a party and then remove one item.

But people always give me odd looks when I don’t wear pants.

Very sad to hear about Nigel Farage. Nothing’s happened to him, I’m just sad to hear about him.

Crossover ideas

– 50 Shades of Grey’s Anatomy
– Tiger King and I
– Orange is the New Black Mirror
– Captain Marvellous Mrs Maisel
– Breaking Bad Boys

*has no idea what a book even is*

jehovah’s witness: do you have a few minutes to talk about jesus?

me (hates gossip): no

Million dollar idea: A Walmart, but with more than one register open

We built this community from the ground up as opposed to choosing a point in the air and building downwards from there.

If I don’t come when you call my name just rattle a bag of chips