Shout out to all the animals that help Disney princesses get shit done.
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Zoom is really only for one thing: realizing our dream of staring at ourselves while talking to other people.
Gas prices are so high I’m riding my Roomba to work
Omg, autocorrect! For the millionth time, I don’t hate all those birches…
The Real Housewives of Sesame Street
My 4YO said, “did you know some 10 year olds still have moms that are alive?” and I don’t know if this is just a random observation or a veiled threat.
Fool me once shame on you. Fool me twice shame on me. Try to fool me three times, I bite you
MATH Q: 5 friends wanna split a $50 dinner. But Josh wants a separate check bc his thing was $2 less. Really, Josh? This is y nobody likes u
I could never live off the grid. Crunchwrap Supremes are found exclusively on the grid.
Husband: “Lost my keys again.”
Wife: “It’s in your Jeans.”
Husband: “Come on, Why do you have to Drag my family into this!”
What book is a red flag for you if your date says it’s their favorite? For me it’s the dictionary. Nobody should know that many words
I don’t have a drafts folder. My tweeting style is “blender without the lid on”.
Boy, are you a protractor because with all your measured angles and collected numbers you’re such a transparent tool.
He said I won his heart and I was all “Ugh can I just win like $20? How about a sweater from Sears? A pencil? I could really use a pencil.”
[INFOMERCIAL]
“Order now and receive 50% off The Clapper. CLAP ON.. CLAP OFF.. THE CLAPPER”
Tyrannosaurus rex: *Sighs… *Changes channel
Me: What did she say about me?
Friend: She said you ask too many questions
Me: She said that? Too many questions? Really? Me? …What else?
Left
Right
Left
Left-er
Quick right
Squeee!
Left
Up
Down
Left
Right
Squeee!
Right
Up– squirrels
*Ancient Egypt*
Me: My abacus won’t work
IT: Hit giant eye + guy holding snakes + big ass bird
Me: Nothing
IT: Okay, reset *shuffles abacus*
Wife: [frantically searching kitchen] I can’t find my stir fry pans.
Me: looks like we need to go for a wok. lol.
Wife:
Me:
Wife: you hid them just to make that pun didn’t you?
Me: you butter believe it : )
Homeschooling is going great. My son is on track to receive his Diploma in Video Games ahead of schedule.
I thought I heard a noise last night so I got my bat and crept into the kitchen just to find out it was my own stomach grumbling.
When you said you wanted to show me a stiff one, I had no idea you worked in a morgue.
Any dog can be a guide dog if you don’t care where you’re going
She’s a ten but she only speaks a long forgotten dead language and her eyes are solid black and she spends too much time on the ceiling.
AMERICA, EVERY WEEKEND: I just wanna Netflix and Chill lol.
THE WEEKEND EVERYONE NEEDS TO STAY INSIDE: It’s my God-given right to go outside and lick whatever I want.
Just saw my parents having sex. That’s the last time I go onto that website.
I have learned to accept that my parents are “Santa,” but I still have no idea how they get to all those other houses.
just got mad and flipped a table but it spun all the way around in landed right side up. everyone in Applebee’s is clapping
Any bird can be a woodpecker if it’s stupid enough
I will have a piñata at my funeral.
You know, to make people happy.
It will be filled with bees.
You know, to make me happy too.
Sometimes I accidentally hit “z” instead of “.” and end up sending texts like “see you laterz” like I’m a cool teen from 2003.