@alwayzintruble

My entire day will be spent laughing at my children because they have to go back to school tomorrow..

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@rickelverum

When I lay all my cards out on the table, people be like “Damn, where you get all them cards?”

@roxiqt

Sex is great but have you ever told some dude that there wasn’t enough room for the two of you on a very large floating door after your ship sank to the bottom of the ocean on it’s maiden voyage?

@kwirkyKerri

*smacks you with my coloring book*

Wow. These coloring books really do work to relieve stress.

@sarcasm_inc

Batman pushes a batcuffed Joker thru the crowd.
“Look! Hahaha!” yells the Joker.
Batman glances up at the jumbotron.
GODDAMN the kiss cam.

@arandomhim

*walks into the hottest restaurant w/out a reservation*
We’re fully booked
“Ahem, I’m Yelp reviewer TURDBONER69”
Sorry sir right this way

@Ygrene

[guy inventing wicker furniture]
think I might knit myself a chair

@SonofConway

When tragedy strikes your community, McDonald’s will still be there to take your money.

@chemicollins

My bf’s first language is french, and he forgot the word for “lid”, so instead he held up the pot and asked “where is his hat?”

@Bratch_Patch

“Friends are a dime a dozen.” *pulls out a sack full of dimes* “Sweet, I’ll take 32 dozen friends please.”