My entire day will be spent laughing at my children because they have to go back to school tomorrow..

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When I lay all my cards out on the table, people be like “Damn, where you get all them cards?”


Sex is great but have you ever told some dude that there wasn’t enough room for the two of you on a very large floating door after your ship sank to the bottom of the ocean on it’s maiden voyage?


*smacks you with my coloring book*

Wow. These coloring books really do work to relieve stress.


Batman pushes a batcuffed Joker thru the crowd.
“Look! Hahaha!” yells the Joker.
Batman glances up at the jumbotron.
GODDAMN the kiss cam.


*walks into the hottest restaurant w/out a reservation*
We’re fully booked
“Ahem, I’m Yelp reviewer TURDBONER69”
Sorry sir right this way


[guy inventing wicker furniture]
think I might knit myself a chair


When tragedy strikes your community, McDonald’s will still be there to take your money.


My bf’s first language is french, and he forgot the word for “lid”, so instead he held up the pot and asked “where is his hat?”


“Friends are a dime a dozen.” *pulls out a sack full of dimes* “Sweet, I’ll take 32 dozen friends please.”