Me: “Don’t piss me off, I can rip a phone book in half.”
10yo: “A phone what?”
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I like having multiple children because that way if one doesn’t happen to be screaming there’s always another around to pick up the slack.
Dogs have it good. No one ever wraps my pills in thin sliced roast beef.
Me: *walks up to table next to mine in restaurant*
Are you done with that yet?
Her: We said no.
Me: But I need a green crayon for the tree.
My dog eats too much food and throws it up. EVERYDAY. I swear to God if she keeps this up, she’s going to look amazing.
My dog always pees against trees when we walk through the neighborhood
I do it one time and now I need bail
Cutest thing I saw was the dad angrily slamming the sliding door of his minivan but it slowed down by itself and latched silently and then it was just kind of sad.
“Don’t make eye contact, honey. We don’t want any trouble with them.”
According to the signage in my state, guys named Ray own car repair shops or adult bookstores.
How do you pronounce “The baby formerly known as X Æ A-12.”?
I’m trying to get this list of reasons I gave up on humanity just right.
Why are people upset about the Starbucks cup and not the fact that they are paying $7 for coffee?
Kudos to Google for starting a company before you could Google, “How to start a company?”
12th Law of Nature: If an adult attempts to nap during the day, an equal and opposite adult will turn on a lawn mower.
Me: if I had to review it, the beginning was boring, none of it was believable. I didn’t care about the main characters but we got cake so one star
Bride: did you at least enjoy being maid of honor
Kids insults are great. My youngest told my oldest “If your clothes were any tighter, you’d look like a wiener dog”
NURSE: the doctor has pronounced your father dead
ME: oh my god we’ve been calling him dad all this time
We were watching The Discovery Channel on the couch.
I was naked.
She was afraid.
I guess I should have probably introduced myself first.
THE NEWS: gas prices are at an all time high
ME: *hasn’t left my house in over 2 years* oh no
I’m so dehydrated I could dry out a phone faster than a bowl of rice.
Sorry, Ghostbusters.
At best, I might email or text you.
How come we never describe an arsonist as someone who lit up a room?
Last night my son gave me a dollar and told me I was a “good guy” and I think he might be in the mob now
Deep down, we’re all that one lady in 7-11 with her bathrobe on.
If you want your dog to take a pill:
1. Get a piece of cheese
2. Eat the cheese for energy
3. Get ready to wrestle your dog
*a movie that’s 100% studio logo animations but the audience doesn’t even notice until 30 minutes in*
“Doc, it’s embarrassing, but I don’t feel sexy.”
“Try wearing the wife’s panties.”
“Really?”
“Yeah, the red ones with the lace are nice”
9am: protein shake, oatmeal
1pm: small salad, chicken breast
5pm: grilled salmon, spinach
9pm: 4 whole “i don’t give a shit anymore” pizzas
Foal me once, I have a baby horse. Foal me twice, no one needs this many baby horses. Foal me thrice, please stop. I have no room for them.
Jo, lean
Jo, lean
Jo, lean
Jo, LEAN!*our canoe tips over*
Man Derives Depressing Amount Of Pride From Hometown Burger Chain
*London, 1592*
Pizza Boy: Hark! I hast brought thine order
Lusty Wench: Alas, I hath not a tuppence to pay for thy cheesed bread! Mayhap there is some other way thou canst get thine…pound of flesh?
Pizza Boy: Gadzooks! *funky lute music begins*