My entire life can be summed up by those anxious and awkward breaths; the ones where you wonder if the hiccups are really gone or not.
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bringing 3 beans to the state fair so I can use them to barter for cows
There are 3 types of guys in this world
● 1) Handsome
● 2) Lucky
● 3) Me
Daughter: dada is Aquaman a mermaid?
Me: no honey.
Daughter: he can swim and breathe and talk underwater like a mermaid.
Me: yes but he has legs.
Daughter: Ariel has legs too.
[later]
Wife: I rushed home what’s the emergency?
Me: I think Aquaman might be a mermaid.
[Me as a babysitter]
ME: *rings the parents* We have a problem. I picked up your son David from school and he seems freaked out
HER: My son is Robert
ME: We have 2 problems
I finally have glasses, which is great because I needed one more thing to frantically search for every morning.
I could never be on The Bachelor. I don’t need millions watching me get dumped & cry on tv. It’s bad enough my cat sees that shit everyday.
Just got revenge on someone who wronged me 6 Years ago. Never be Relaxed ever. I’m coming
beginning to suspect my gf is only using me for my foot warming capabilities late at night
[phone]
Me: Oh wow I love your voice
Her: Thanks!
Me: And your accent is so cool, are you from the south?
Her: Good guess!
Me: Oh yeah I love it down there, the weather, the food!
Her: Me too! It’s the best!
Me: It really is
Her: Anyway what’s your emergency
Me: I’ve been stabbed
will never understand why soccer players celebrate a goal by running around more. you did good! take a lil’ break
The trick to sneaking a mug full of vodka is to occasionally blow on it like it’s hot.
my brother: grandma’s funeral is going to be closed casket
me: oh no
my brother: are you sad you won’t be able to see her one last time
me: no, it’s because this was going to be my only chance to pry her blueberry pie recipe from her cold, dead hands
[First Date]
Him: So many choices. Would you like to split 2 sandwiches and each have half?
Me: Sure.
Him: BLT, please.
Me: Same.
waiter: would you like the bill?
me: no
your childhood ends the moment you learn it’s not called “duck tape”
Hubs says when I drink I’m “too loud” and use too many “big words.”
WELL I’M SORRY IF MY VOCIFEROUS GRANDILOQUENCE BOTHERS YOU!!
I’ve never owned a pair of spanx that didn’t eventually own me.
With trump being a potential candidate I feel like the Simpsons are sitting on their couch watching an episode of us
You’re never too old to ride inside of a shopping cart…
No matter what the store manager says.
Kindergarten, day two.
Me: Who did you play with at recess?
Daughter: One of my best friends. I don’t remember her name.
Me: How do I beat the bully?
Dad: Just punch him
Me: I am not doing that
Dad: Or grow up, work hard, and be more successful and popular than him
Me: So like an uppercut?
I was walking past a farm and a sign said: “Duck, eggs!”
I thought: “That’s an unnecessary comma.” – then it hit me.
You don’t need Crossfit if you have to get to the mailbox and back whilst avoiding mosquitoes the size of chihuahuas.
My dog has been looking for a spot to shit since 1958.
[listening to twenty one pilots]
ME: ok ok one at a time
Simple enough.
If a man strikes thee on one cheek, turn to him the other. Then, having shown thyself impregnable to cheek attack, beat the crap out of him.
My brain: Hahahaha… Sorry, I don’t remember your pin.
My brain, 5 minutes later: Hey, I know you already paid cash but I remember that pin now.
I never really understood the tiny house trend, but then I saw one where the bed was literally in the kitchen, and now I get it.
A fun way to “Break up” is to tell them to “Go long” and then never throw them the football.