Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*Makes sure the new girl at work sees how much pineapple I eat at lunch*

*winks*

I just felt a weird twitching somewhere inside me. I think it might be my liver waving a white flag.

Cat Negotiator: Ok, so we’ll shit in a box in your house and you will clean it up
Humans: And you will be a loyal friend
Cat: hahahaha sure

ON PHONE WITH MY MOM

HER: You still single and living with your stray cat family?

ME: *proudly* No I am not!
*high fives my pet penguin

Dude that’s not a tire swing its a warning to other tires that trespass in my yard

Just ate three bottles of Flintstone’s vitamins and threw my car like a frisbee

Biker gang: Well, well, well. Would you look at this fancy boy.

Me: Don’t push me.

Biker gang: Oh yeah? What are you gonna do about it?

Me: *removes bonnet* I said, don’t push me.

“I shaved for this shit?” – All of us at one point in our lives.

Me: I can’t decide on a name for the hamster
Wife: Why don’t you sleep on it?
Me: Jesus Christ Amy, I’d squash it

[breakfast]

Her: Ugh. Dropped an egg.

Me: You could just say you’re ovulating, you know.

If you cut off a mommy blogger’s head she can continue mommy blogging for up to three full minutes.

I told my son we were going to have a dance party and he ran to the kitchen to get cups and straws and said we couldn’t have a party without drinks and that we needed to hydrate so am I finished parenting now?

At this point the delivery guy is at my house so often he could babysit

landlords thinking they deserve a tip is actually crazy

I think my concept of time is way off since the pandemic started. Every day I see something like “happy 57th anniversary to the premiere of Two and a Half Men”.

A lot of people are shocked to learn that I’m still single. Especially my wife.

Redheads are an endangered species, I think that every city should have a petting party for them at least once a week.
~quits job, buys RV

Yes I’m full of microplastics but it’s actually been helpful. It’s given me superpowers. I can communicate with Tupperware

Not to brag but I gave someone directions and he made it.

Annie, are you ok? You sure? Cool

That’s how long that song would’ve lasted if I sang it.

I get it roosters, I scream when I wake up in the morning too

I’ve got 99 problems…

<snap>
98 problems.
<snap>
97 problems.
<snap>
96 problems.
<snap>

BRB… I need to buy more mousetraps.

Popped in on my parents and caught them watching and somewhat enjoying Big Bang Theory. I’ve never felt more betrayed.

Her: There’s a spider on the bathroom floor!

Me: See that thing at the bottom of your leg? That’s a foot. Make it land on the spider.

Whenever I think I’m having a bad day I think about the time I ran a half marathon and at the starting line all my music mysteriously disappeared and I had to listen to Sugar by Maroon 5 for 13.1 miles

I really do love this time of year — the Christmas music, the twinkle lights, the woman in front of me in line at Costco who just told her husband, “We can give your cousin a pile of dog shit for all I care.”

Me: oil change plz
Toyota: it’ll be $39
Me: cool heres my $2 off coupon

4 hrs later
T: ur steering wheel fell off total is $2900 sign here

honey I’m home
wife: how was your first night class
well [hangs up suit of armor] not good

We parents need to stop threatening our kids with a lump of coal. It’s cruel and outdated.

Behave or Santa will break your iPad, kids.

Halloween decorations are expensive. Ghosts will re-decorate your house for free 👻