My entire life can be summed up by those anxious and awkward breaths; the ones where you wonder if the hiccups are really gone or not.
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Never, ever ask a woman if she’s pregnant unless you see an actual baby being born. Even then, act surprised.
tall people make me nervous. what the hell are you doing up there? stop eating the leaves off that tree
I’m an adult, and I can eat whatever I want whenever I want, and I wish someone would take this power from me.
When my wife says “Guess what today is.”
me: [sprinkling white ash on the ground in the shape of a pentagram]
build-a-bear employee: please don’t do that
Everyone at this exorcism is being like really mean to me
🎶And ewe may find yourself behind the wheel of a large automobile
My wife after pulling weeds… I want a goat
I like washing dishes by hand because it relaxes my mind, plus you can use the steak knives to play Wolverine.
chik-fil-a employee: It Would Be My Dying Wish To Serve You, Great Lord
me: I just want some nuggets man
cfa employee: I Would Die For You
You know the best side effect of losing weight? Supersonic hearing. I can hear the crinkle of a candy wrapper or bag of chips through walls.
[school]
Ok class, what was Abraham Lincoln most famous for doing? Billy?“Abolishing slavery.”
And…
“Slaying vampires.”
Very good.
Removing my pants wasn’t what the server meant when she said to make myself comfortable while she got my drink. I understand that now, officer.
if there is a particular food you would like your children to eat less, just go buy a massive box of it at Costco
You know what else is terrible these days? Quests. They used to be an epic journey to slay a dragon and save the local townspeople. Now it’s just trying to find organic chia seeds in Wholefoods.
The receptionist at the doc’s office today kept pulling her mask down to talk to me and I-
Oh you love hot sauce? Cool I get heartburn from brushing my teeth
Just once I’d like to hear a doctor say, “Your guess is as good as mine.”
My auto reply to texts:
I would love to, but I have to [verb] a [noun] .
From my Mom
Teenaged girls post pics of their bodies and they’re ‘sexy.’
I post pics of my bodies and I’m a ‘Serial Killer.’
zombie kid: why am i being punished
zombie dad: because i found your hand in the cookie jar
Friend: How’d you lose your voice?
Me: By failing at gentle parenting.
I’d get down on my knees and pitch my gardening skills but I don’t want to sell myself short.
Me[seeing snow for the first time]: Damn, that rain is thicc!
COP: You seen an escaped evil octopus?
ME: No
COP: [looks up] Nice chandelier
ME: Thanks
COP: Why is it wet?
ME: Um
COP: And holding 8 guns?
Plans < cancelled plan < no plans < no plans, but knowing people totally want to hang out with you
Me: Got any more of those debbled eggs?
Friend: Did you just say DEBBLED eggs?
Me: No, I said the right thing…
I like to be called a MILF because it’s better than being called a MILTMALIAD. (Mother I’d like to murder and leave in a ditch.)