My entire life can be summed up by those anxious and awkward breaths; the ones where you wonder if the hiccups are really gone or not.
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SHARK WEEK: JAWS
shark weak: dentures
My favorite state to visit?
Unconsciousness
Facebook and Instagram are down so now I have to creep on my ex in person.
There’s no “us” in nachos.
you’re telling me this bread has monkey in it?
Wife: do we have any Kool-Aid?
Kool-Aid: *Burst through wall* OH YEAH!
Me: seriously Martha?
Batman: *crashes through window* WHY DID YOU SAY THAT NAME?
My friend was like “hey bring some cd’s to listen to on the trip” and I was like “where are we going, 2001?”
Apparently you can’t complain to the restaurant staff about the loud kids when they are yours.
#gardening
A kiss begins with K. But it’s also just a text from someone who doesn’t want to have a conversation with you.
One time I microwaved my lunch at work and my coworker said “That smells spicy! What is that–is that salt?” And when I was speechless she followed up with “Is it pepper?”
Waiter: how did u find your meal
Me: *sweating* i…i looked down
Parenting is groaning when you have to watch the same movie for the 300th time, but also mad when the kid interrupts the movie because you’re actually watching it
My brain at 6am: I’m tired.
My brain at 9am: I’m tired.
My brain at 1pm: I’m tired.
My brain at 5pm: I’m tired.
My brain at 2am: Are shawls oversized scarves or undersized blankets?
A homeless man randomly asked me if I was from Minnesota yesterday, so I replied, “no, but once I stabbed a guy who grew up in Minneapolis”
TWIN: so our parents split us up at birth, never told us about it, and pretended the other parent was dead?
OTHER TWIN: yes
TWIN: omg let’s get them back together it’ll be so cute
Lifeguard:
Me:
Lifeguard:
Me:
Lifeguard: I’ll say it again. We don’t handle people who are drowning financially.
Was late to my first Fight Club last night so missed the intro rules. Still, Fight Club was brilliant and I’d highly recommend Fight Club.
Me: *cutting fingernails*
Man next to me on bus: please stop cutting my nails
Thanksgiving is nothing like Halloween.
You can turn your lights off, it doesn’t even phase them, they still come to your door.
asking a gay couple who the man and woman are in their relationship is like asking a vegetarian which vegetable in their salad is the meat
My Fitbit was delivered today. It’s still sitting in the mailbox because I don’t want to walk all the way out there.
The company hates when I helicopter into work.
It’s always, “zip up your pants and go see HR now!”
As your personal mortician, instead of making you look beautiful I will make people fear you.
I’m not saying your perfume is too strong. I’m just saying the canary was alive before you got here.
FLORIDA MAN SUFFOCATED TO DEATH AFTER HAVING SEX WITH PET ANACONDA
My parents didn’t raise me to be rude, I had to practice
We cracked the code to potty training our daughter. Spider man underwear. It took her picking out her own Spider-Man underwear to completely potty train herself. She won’t have an accident because she “can’t go potty on Spider-Man”. I can’t believe that’s all it took lol