Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: goodnight son I love you.

3yo:

Me: I said I love you.

3yo: I love milk.

Me: okay. *unplugs nightlight*

Calling me at 2 am for sex is disgusting, where are your morals??where is your self respect?? What is your address?? where are we meeting?? where do I park my car??

ew if literal: let me be clear

Turkey Homocide Detective 1: That’s the 73rd turkey head today.

THD2: What’s the perp doin’ with the bodies?

THD1: No idea. Hey, the farmer’s calling us over. Is he holding a bloody ax?

THD2: He found the murder weapon! We should wrap this case up quick! I bet it’s the duck.

women wearing veils at their wedding arent fooling anybody. you invited us to this shit we know its you under there. cut the crap lady

*buys dog mask*
*shits on neighbors’ lawn*

Hooters is shutting down a lot of locations, which is very shocking, but even more surprising that an owl themed restaurant lasted that long.

All my neighbors are meticulously landscaping their yards and I’m over here giving each of my weeds a nickname

Nights in white satin, but it’s me falling off the bed again

Me: I feel sad I should surround myself with fun and nice things

Also me:

Do something nice for your ex today, take them out. One bullet should do the trick.

Please pray for my friends’ 4 yr old. I just found out that ten minutes of his life wasn’t photographed or documented on Facebook today.

Is it wrong that I lied on my tinder profile about how many tusks I have?

My Life Alert bracelet says: “don’t let them get away with this”

ME: [blowing on ouchie] That’s better

SURGEON: How did you get in here

My little dog has gotten into the box of treats & hidden them throughout the house. Every now & then he eats one. He’s strutting around like he pulled off a bank heist & is spending the cash slowly.

*watches man fall off of bridge on TV..

“Bartender, can you get me that drunk?”

[new tattoo]

them: cool! what is it?
me: it’s an abstract depiction of beauty; the juxtaposition of the lyrical and the grotesque

[after 50 people have asked]

them: what is it?
me: it’s a squirrel

To whom it may concern,

My family isn’t missing so I suspect you have the wrong address.
Please stop posting me human fingers.

Many thanks

the worst kind of twitter bio is something like “katie’s husband. father to jenny” i don’t know who that is, dip shit

The only thing between me & a killing spree is the fact that I’d have to poop in front of people in prison.

Napped wrong, so if you need me, I’ll be turning at the waist to look around like I’m 1989 Batman.

The rules of the universe clearly state – to find the cup of coffee you were drinking, you must first pour yourself a new cup of coffee.

OH MY GOD I FORGOT TO UNPLUG THE TOASTER
[flash to dog in sunglasses waiting for his fifth batch of waffles to pop up]

This gum has my stomach convinced food is coming.

When you have mixed feelings about bathtime

“You can’t have 80° and 30° weather in the same week”

Midwesterners: hold my beer

on my last dying breath saying “please… tell her I love her…” and then handing a stranger a heart locket and when they open the necklace it’s a selfie of me

Because of Gwen Stefani I can spell bananas so I wish she’d write a song where she spells restaurant.