My entire life is like that scene when Edward Scissorhands discovers a waterbed
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if you’re too polite to ask your date to leave just whisper “Mother might be getting cold in the pantry” while staring nervously at your kitchen.
Q: What day does an Easter egg hate the most?
A: Good Fry-day.#GoodFriday #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes
Boss: I’m sorry but you’re fired
Me: But I’ve poured my blood, sweat, & tears into my work!
Boss: Exactly. Cupcake sales are down 75%
I get badly burnt by the sun, hate garlic and can be killed by a wooden stake through the heart. I wonder if there is something my uncle Vlad never told me.
My kid wouldn’t eat it after he ordered it so I had to: A parents guide.
If you’re reading this message then something has gone wrong with my experiment and I apologize for what is about to happen to the eggs in your fridge
Me: I CAN’T BELIEVE THAT PERSON THINKS I LOOK LIKE I’M IN MY LATE THIRTIES
Also me: is 40
We are watching “It” from last year and not for nothin’ but Pennywise is mostly very bad at his job.
How powerful must it feel for the dentist to start referring to your teeth by their secret “numbers” to the hygienist
Her: I wish you’d just grow up.
Me: That’s a horrible thing to wish upon someone.
I’m having a garage sale & hope people I’ve borrowed things from don’t come.
Me: A stranger is just a friend you haven’t met.
Stranger: No.
Never trust a fortune teller buying more than 1 lottery ticket.
Fellas, don’t feel like you can’t offer your wife cooking tips, even after she spends all day making a delicious home cooked meal. And it doesn’t hurt to throw in “That’s not how my mom used to do it”.
The lady behind me in line was in a hurry to get out of the grocery store so I decided to write a check to pay for my stuff.
me: lmao i saw it on twitter
them: what’s your twitter
me: i don’t have twitter
It’s funny how Twitter dropped the egg avi and now people are using apps to smooth out their faces so much, they all look like eggs.
you know how picasso had to learn the rules of painting before he could break them? that’s why i’m going to law school
[philosophy class]
PROFESSOR: u must question everything
[later]
ME: *grabs lamp and shakes it* what have u been doing all day?!
Am I relying on you to cover up all these blood stains after murdering my ex?
BLEACH I MIGHT BE
Phones are getting smarter and thinner. People, not so much.
I was driving home the other day, when suddenly a group of robbers jumped in and stole everything. They were pirates of the car I be in.
Remember friend.
A $5 iced latte a day is $25 a week, $100 a month, $1200 a year.
After 10 years.. that’s $12,000!
Which is still nowhere near enough to put a down payment on a house so enjoy your espresso in peace.
People who write “loosing” when they mean “losing” need to get loost.
[on date]
“I think we should take this a step farther”
Actually, farther implies distance, while further is figurati-
*date already left*
Celery. For when you really need to chew your water.
‘THE POWER OF CHRIST COMPELS YOU!’
~me, parenting teens
My white cat has been beating up my black cat a lot lately so I guess he’s been reading the news and knows he won’t get punished for it.
me: i can’t believe you cheated on me
him: phew! I was worried you’d believe it
If I can hear you chew, I have fantasized about your death.