My entire life looks like a drug deal gone bad.
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“Here’s your cup of Joe” – Joe at the sperm bank
Just saw a fully functional phone booth with an intact yellow pages; so, yeah, I know a thing or two about time travel.
No one ever talks about what a flex it is when Yoda just gets tired of answering all of Luke’s questions and dies
it’s your first day back at work. your boss calls you in. “why aren’t you wearing pants?”
“threw em out” you shrug
you turn to leave but stop at the door. “wait,” you say. “but why aren’t you wearing pants”
“what?” he looks down, confused. “oh, right” he shrugs. “threw em out”
Maybe the reason you’re not having *sexual intercourse* is because you call it sexual intercourse.
Remember when that really cute guy held the door for you at the book store? He doesn’t.
[describing criminal to sketch artist]
He was allergic to bees. His shoes smelled like old bananas.
You gotta feel for kids today, growing up in a world where all the good screen names are already taken
Tyrannosaurus Clark Kent, unable to do shit because he can’t remove his glasses
I could literally be on fire burning to death and my kids would ask me to open their snack rather than any other adult around.
giddy up Office Depot
I wonder how many hobbies you have to suck at before you take up bird watching.
Meeting the love of your life on Twitter is a crapshoot, it may go really well or his mom may unplug the Wi-Fi.
holy infant so tender and mild implies the existence of a cursed infant so chewy and spicy
Day 2 of my writing tips. As the greatest writer of my generation, I love helping young up-and-coming writers how to succeed in the biz. Today’s lesson is all about how to write a great murder mystery 👍
Don’t go around saying you hate all people. Attractive people who have a lot of money are really lovable.
[In meeting, puts cap on pen]
Me: Thanks everyone.
Coworker: Oh, also I nee–
Me: No, did you not see me cap my pen? This meeting is over.
A panic attack is hearing your teens laughing in another room at the same time you can’t find your phone.
been searching for the right mix of relaxing sounds to help me sleep and i tried nature noises but they ended up freaking me out like one of them had so many frogs. one frog is ok but this was too many frogs. like an army of frogs. who can sleep when there is a war on the bayou
DEATH STAR BARISTA: How do you want your coffee?
VADER: On the dark side.
DEATH STAR BARISTA: Debit? Cash?
VADER: Star bucks.
The hurt I feel when someone leaves the bus seat next to mine for a newly empty one is almost exactly equal to my annoyance when they don’t.
I just returned from a long trip and tossed my suitcase on the floor of my room, so I won’t see those clothes again for several months.
One time when my 10yo was 18 months I took him to the library for story time and he rolled his toy car under a bookcase and yelled “oh shit”. The lady stopped reading and everyone turned to look at me and I didn’t go back to story time at the library again
Husband: “Honey, I can’t find my sweatshirt and I’m cold. Have you seen it?”
Me: “Nope.”
Husband: “You’re wearing it right now…”
Do not apologize for your dog coming up to me because this is exactly what I wanted
If you can’t be with the one you love, stab the one you’re with.
If Jesus was a cat we’d have nine Easters.
*first day as getaway driver
“I’m gonna make a Starbucks run while you’re in the bank. Who wants what?”