My entire life looks like a drug deal gone bad.
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He died doing what he loved; shouting ‘boo!’ behind horses.
I hate it when I think that there’s an open parking space and then I have to run over a motorcycle …
My husband, on the phone to social security administration to report that they still have not recorded his mother’s death (more than a year ago) and are still sending ss checks–
–SS phone lady says: so are you reporting your own death?
–Hubs says: ….No… I’m alive.
😬
TV 20 years ago: “it starts out clunky but if you suffer through the first 45 episodes it starts to almost get good!”
TV now: “If this 8hrs of tv doesn’t break all viewing records within the first 20 minutes of its release we’re going to shoot the cast”
Tip from my mom:
Always wear your bathrobe when at home.
Then if somebody stops by unexpectedly you’re “just about to hop in the shower”.
a dishwasher safe would have to be a really big safe
friend: I love your cookies
me: it’s a secret family recipe
friend: wow
me: please don’t tell my husband about my secret family
*turns on alarm*
Alarm: I have a headache
The struggle is real! 🤣 #Cats #CatsofTwittter
Body: go to sleep
Brain: what country has the largest population of goats? Better run a search on this
[phone call]
murderer: I know where u live
me: it’s just til I get back on my feet
If I had to be a dominatrix (not appealing to me) I’d just be like, “Go stand in the corner. Do it!!” then play on my phone for the rest of the session.
Level of high: 7/10
You never see zombies lying around being lazy, so maybe we should EMBRACE the possibility of a zombie apocalypse. I think it could turn some of us into real go-getters.
I accidentally left two bags of broccoli in a 90 degree car for 3 days and boy does it smell like I left two bags of broccoli in a 90 degree car for 3 days.
Masks have freed me to do a whole lot of weird things with my mouth in public that I never even knew I wanted to do.
I just found out my husband doesn’t pronounce the j in pendulum
Brew coffee. Chill coffee. Use coffee instead of water to make Twice-Brewed Coffee. Win Nobel Prize. Begin to glow, levitate. Eat building.
The library is always busy; it’s fully booked.
I like to put powdered sugar around my nose before Zoom meetings
gpt-6 will have the intelligence of someone who decided not to get a PhD
Applying for jobs sometimes is wild like how am i supposed to be passionate about a company I don’t even work for yet?
*Runs fingers over Braille calendar*
Is this a date? It feels like a date.
My 3 year old has been on the other side of the door knocking and making me “guess who” for five minutes. I’m usually pretty good at acting surprised time after time, but the glass door is really straining my theatrical skills.
Okay everybody it’s Zero Hour for this website, post your favorite tweets and give them a little kiss goodbye.
Me: Something is fishy here
Red herring: *acts very casual
So why is it that when Star Trek ‘boldly go where no one has gone before’ they always find someone there?
I have two boyfriends!
Well, I’m dating two men
Okay. Ben and I are just friends
Same with Jerry
Fine. I have ice cream.
But it’s love.
Bruce Willis in Starbucks. he gives his name as “not Bruce Willis” and when they call him he grabs his coffee and runs away giggling
Going to the moon must be terrifying because you’ve got no way to tell if you’re seeing werewolves there or just regular moon wolves.