My entire life looks like a drug deal gone bad.
You Might Also Like
In a dog eat dog world, the chocolate lab is the most delicious, yet poisonous of all breeds.
Today I brought my trash out wearing roller skates and a tiara simply because I like keep my neighbors guessing.
first day in the secret service. all the guys hazed me into kissing the president
There are two types of children: those that get up in the middle of the night, and those who get up way too early. And they’re siblings.
My kitten runs away when the kids come near her, and now I’m mad that I never thought to try that myself.
[driving home from a party]
MRS. ELEPHANT: you’re still upset aren’t you
MR. ELEPHANT: i can’t believe they just ignored us like that
MRS. ELEPHANT: they aren’t worth it, just forget it
MR. ELEPHANT: *slams steering wheel* you know I can’t do that linda
How many calories does an ice cream headache burn?
“I saw mommy kissing santa claus” has the same number of syllables as “I saw someone die at Disney World.” Life’s funny like that.
Me: You come highly recommended, LOL
Drug dealer: *stabs me*
Was just walking along when I got news that caused me to clasp my hands over my face in gentle despair, at which point a passing teen with impeccable timing shouted ‘Peekaboo!’ at me.
Well well well, if it isn’t the guy from the cloud shapes in the sky…
[party]
What exactly does BYOB mean?“Bring your own beer”
Bill Nye the Science Guy slowly slides the bacteria sample back in his lab coat
Sorry neighbor who’s choking to death, my cat’s resting his little head on my leg.
This, like, never happens.
2012: sorry I did the Macarena at your Anna’s funeral
2014: *does a kickflip* yeah the doctor said it’s not curable
2016: what idiot called it the sun and not a space heater
2019: ok gang here’s a thread on marginal tax rates & how we can use proceeds to fund schools
My 7 month old loves when we read books to her but she loves eating the books even more
Nobody will know you’re stoned if you’re always stoned
I shouldn’t be laughing probably but that is hilarious
At the beach, looking at all these fit young people, with their perfect bodies and perfect tans and I think “I wish I could be a shark”.
Hmm. Nissan Altima TV commercial boasts NASA inspired zero-gravity seats. But if you’re in zero gravity, you don’t need seats
Climate: Hey
Me: You’ve changed
[firing squad]
Any last requests?“Here’s my mixtape, if u like it, will u let me live?”
Yes. *listens* Oh man that’s FIRE
*gunshots*
“Ok, what chemical symbol should we give this Gold?”
*thief runs by, steals gold*
“Hey! You!”
Au, got it. Next element.
Cooking fresh fruit with sugar is my jam.
Waking kids up 1st day of school: hey sweeties time to wake up I made you a frittata, fruit salad, and freshly squeezed orange juice
Waking kids up for the second day of school: EVERYBODY UP WE’RE LATE GRAB A POP TART AND GOOOOO
Does anyone ever finish a jar of Vaseline? I’m still working on the one my great-grandpa passed down to me.
BOSS: it’s national replace H’s with F’s day
ME: really?
BOSS: yep, you’re hired!
ME: hahaha-wait
BOSS: get out
ME: what the huck?
Caught my uncle checking his phone mid way through the rosary and I absolutely squealed on him (for context I’m 41 and a guest in their home).
I asked my son if he wanted his sandwich on toast for lunch, and he said, “I’ll make it myself because you and the toaster aren’t friends.”
[planning heist]
leader: the security guard will take his break from 3:15 to 3:30 so that’s when you will-[notices my disapproving expression] what?
me: that’s when I take my break too tho
People who get in loud cell phone arguments in public, everyone secretly loves you.