My entire life looks like a drug deal gone bad.
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My siblings and I used to fight over food, but we grew up. Then my child would wake from a dead sleep if I opened a candy bar and she also grew up.
Today I’m eating crackers and there is the damn dog staring at me.
Everyone stop over reacting!
There was no Earthquake….
I slipped in the shower, these things happen…
How much for the mirror?
Ma’am that’s the cover of Vogue
Face ID doesn’t recognize me unless I’m chewing
“Relax, honey. It’s more scared of you than you are of it.”
I’m beginning to think the dark circles that appeared under my eyes in 2008 may not go away.
I want an ice cream sundae so big that it edges into mondae
shout out to camera phones not being invented until well after my glo-stick period
ME: I can’t come in to work. My grandma died
BOSS: your grandma has died 4 times this year
ME: yeah she’s a cat
Who called them nuclear submarines and not fission ships?
Chickens only make one sound, because they can’t think outside the bawks.
Me: Let’s go to the store.
5 yo: Why?
M: For food.
5: Why?
M: So we can eat.
5: Why?
M: To stay alive.
5: Why?
M: I have no idea.
this is what happens when everyone feeds the same stray
Secretly hoping my ex will call or text one day, just so I can reply, ‘Who’s this?’
Day 3 in quarantine. My mom made me check my 11 year old brother’s search history. He has searched “how tall is goofy” and “why do Mormons have so many trampolines.” For his sake, I almost wish I found something bad
[Nightcap]
Me: *giving tour* and this is my room.
Her: It’s….a….nice.
Me: Let me stop you there. The He-man sheets are purely decorative and in no way a reflection of my prowess in bed.
[slipping DJ $20] my good sir would you turn it down a skooch
Interviewer: Any questions?
Me: Do you think his parents looked at him as a baby and said “You look like an Engelbert Humperdinck”?
“I stalk people you’ve probably never heard of” -hipster stalker
Me: Stop fighting this minute!! ONE…
Kids: *fighting*
Me: TWO…
Kids: *still fighting*
Me (sweating): TWO AND A HALF
Kids: *brawling at this point*
Me: ᶜʳᵃᵖ ᶜʳᵃᵖ ᶜʳᵃᵖ *texting* mom I need help what happens if you get to three
That job interview was going so well until I realized I was fucked up on acid in the middle of a cornfield naked and talking to a scarecrow.
My 10 year old neighbour just threw a cup of water over my cat who was sitting on the fence minding his own business n laughed so I threw a basin of water over him from the window and now his dad is at my door going mental but I don’t see the problem, don’t touch my cat
“Well, there’s no circle thingy with the slash through it, so I guess it’s okay.”
Here at Sporadic & Sons, we pride ourselves on consistency
Me: I lost 35 pounds today.
Wife: [sigh] Can you stop saying that every time you lose our oldest child?
“What if a third team came and attacked these two teams?” – my daughter, not understanding football/making football more awesome
There was a time when all I needed was to feed my grandpa’s goldfish, play with fridge magnets, and drink a 7up with a cherry… but daylight savings ruins everything
[doctor’s office]
Nurse: Can you step on the scale?
Me: Of course.
Nurse: (waiting)
Me: You mean now? Oh hell no!
Fun Fact: Baby powder’s ingredients include baby brothers and sisters who acted up.
I just found out my dad carries around my 4YO’s toy car with him. When he feels stressed or sad, he reaches into his pocket and holds it. I’m teary-eyed thinking about how my child’s object brings my father comfort, but damn, we’ve been looking for that.