My entry to the federal duck stamp art contest did not win.
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My dream job is getting paid to dream
[first date]
HER: i’m really into astronomy
ME: [revealing my secret stash of Milky Ways] you don’t say
Ok hear me out ….A smoke detector that turns off when you scream “I’m only cooking “
Give the gift of sarcasm to a child and receive it back tenfold.
Someone already tweeted it’s hot outside.
Delete your tweet.
ravioli cooking instructions are always like “bring 7 gallons of water to a boil. cook one ravioli at a time. use new water between raviolis. they don’t like thrifted baths.”
Stop acting like you’ve never seen someone with a pocket full of chicken nuggets before 🙄
my dad: in the end. i hope people don’t even notice i was here
me: i hate camping too
If you see a distressed woman in the mall screaming that she can’t find her baby, don’t offer to help her make another one.
Me: Can we discuss my X-ray?
Doctor: We can try, but I never met him
To tell you the truth, beginning a sentence with “To tell you the truth” throws into question all else you’ve previous said.
Big respect to the guy in this cafe trying to make the woman he’s with feel better because she’s saying how bad her eyesight is getting, by telling her “no but everything is so small these days. No one can see anything”
asked my mom about this guy Ben in my hometown and she said “no one cares about that Ben anymore, there’s a hotter Ben now”
I want a pet donkey that will kick people I don’t like on the command, “huh, interesting”.
If you encounter a bear in the woods, stay calm. Identify yourself by making noise so the bear knows you are a human. We recommend using your voice. Waving and showing off your opposable thumb means nothing to the bear.
Zodiac Killer: *serial killing*
Victim: why are you doing this?
Zodiac Killer: you know how Scorpios are lol
Ask not if it pleases the court – ask what the court can do to please you.
– Chapter Three, Contempt Of Court For Dummies
What a rip off.
There’s no pot in this chicken-pot-pie.
you play enough angry birds and you realize: the angry bird is you.
Parents: Don’t play with sharp objects.
Parents in October: Here’s a knife. Now stab this pumpkin.
People on Twitter are crazy. You can be like “I like summer” and there’ll be a comment under it like “wowww really? summer??? how dare you even say that? I expected more from you, you entitled piece of shit”
Do you think I can get a new ringtone on this ankle monitor?
*has argument with husband*
*brings up all the dumb shit he said in 2011**adds “Historian” to bio*
10: Dad, what’s a cliffhanger?
Me: Well, son …
[to be continued]
thanksgiving in nutshell
I’m not saying the Internet lies, but there is an alarming discrepancy in the number of iPads I’ve won and the number that I actually own.
We look weird together like two p’s in a ppod
Satan’s first act in the bible was to suggest that people eat more fruit.
No wonder we all hate him.
Nephew drops my iPad, doesn’t say sorry but proceeds to offer me a biscuit.
His future in Politics is secure.
Amazing how each of the kids in Willy Wonka was written to represent a different deadly sin: pride, gluttony, sloth, chewing gum until you become a blueberry, greed, etc.