My entry to the federal duck stamp art contest did not win.
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What did I do to upset the TikTok algorithm and why does it keep showing me cottage cheese recipes?!
Hannibal Lecter: I don’t taste the girl scout in this cookie.
It’s weird that Usher doesn’t have ANY songs about showing people to their seats…
Someone should probably go check on Steve.
Nobody’s coming to my pizzarrhea I don’t get it!!!
😂😂😂😂😂😂
Him: I hate how things ended. Don’t be mad at me.
Me: I’m not mad. About that or anything.
Him: Good! I didn’t want you thinking I was an asshole.
Me: No, I haven’t been thinking about you at all really.
Him: Ok, well, somehow that’s worse but thanks.
If your 8 year old steps on the back of my shoe one more time, I’m going to tell him that Santa isn’t real.
Thelma and Louise driving off a cliff, but it’s just me holding my friend’s hand until the scary part of the car wash is over
It could be worse.
You could be coughing up someone else’s lung.
[Grand Canyon]
*His screams echo as he falls to his death*
OMG THE ACOUSTICS ARE AMAZING HERE! HOW IS THIS NOT A CONCERT VENUE?
the cat just jumped in through the window, saunted right through the living room and STOOD ON MY BANANA SANDWICH FOR FIVE SECONDS WITH HIS DIRTY FEET WHILE SCREAMING AT ME FOR BEING LATE WITH HIS LUNCH FOR GODS SAKE
WIFE: i have a gynecologist exam today
ME: what?? i didn’t even know you were in med school
Getting married lost its appeal as soon as I figured out that acquiring a maid of honor wasn’t going to get my floors washed.
I’m done travelling by scooter, I moped.
I’ve never seen anyone go through drug withdrawals, but I once hid my son’s iPad for 10 minutes.
itself itself itself itself itself itself itself itself itself….
-history
“Can you make me look like this?” *shows hairdresser a picture of fire*
“Miley Cyrus: ‘Society Wants to Shut Me Down'”. Not down, Miley. Up.
*requests to be buried in jaws of T-Rex skeleton so it looks like I went out fighting*
All these people dying on vacation kinda makes me feel better about being poor.
4: mom was i in your tummy?
me: yep!
4: who is in there now?
me: no one
4: then why is it so big?
husband: oh no
90% of being a parent is shouting, “Remember to flush the toilet.” The other 10% is flushing the toilet for everyone.
[the afterlife]
Me: So, this is heaven!
*sees husband* whoa whoa whoa, what’s he doing here?! The contract said til death parts us!Angel: *chuckling*
Me: omg. this is hell, isn’t it.
All I did from 1984-1990 was try to shoot the laughing dog in Duck Hunt
Me: I’ve had this for 3 weeks & I’m still single!
HomeDepot Clerk: ma’am, a stud finder is for the beams in your wall
Me: that was unclear
LMAO.
Gonna start posting empty plates on Instagram with the caption “this was really good”
Stomach: Every time you eat, we get sick.
Brain: Hmm. I know what would make us feel better.
Stomach: No-
Brain: TAQUITOS!
Me: Yay TAQUITOS!
Steps to survive on a dessert island:
1. check spelling
2. if correct, enjoy