My evil clone:[pointing to me] Shoot HIM, he’s the clone
Friend:[aims at the clone] The REAL Alex would never pass up an opportunity to die
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This spider just got away from me because I made the classic villain mistake of telling him my whole evil plan before killing him.
My wife is:
1) Am amazing mom and a great friend
2) Still the most beautiful girl I’ve ever been with
3) Now following me on Twitter
people naming their orcs with excessive apostrophes like
My advice to the younger generation: make your mistakes now. Because by the time you’re 40, you’ll barely even remember them! And then you get to make the same mistakes all over again it’s really fun
[Hoth Rebel Base]
Leia: How’s Skywalker?
Han: He was nearly frozen when I found him.
Leia: And, now?
Han: Lukewarm.
Leia: …
Han: Hehehe
it’s so beautiful today i think i’ll take my ps5 outside
There should be a morning after pill for Supreme Court decisions.
Ever had sex so bad you felt like calling a manager to complain?
scarlet joe hanson sounds like an old timey boxer’s name. “weighin’ in at 182 lbs, 5’9″, the ol’ black widow, scarlet jooooooe hansen!”
sure you can go to a dealership and buy a car but there’s nothing quite like the satisfaction of growing your own
Doctor: Your blood pressure is a little high.
Me: I have 4 kids.
Doctor:
Me:
Doctor: Your blood pressure is a little low.
Teddy Roosevelt used to sucker punch people when they left the White House, spawning the phrase “Don’t let Theodore hit you on the way out.”
Parenthood is stepping in something wet in your socks.
Pro Tip: If you order two drinks at McDonald’s, they’ll think you’re sharing all that food with another person.
Imagine your card gets declined at Hogwarts and you have to go to public wizarding school
Your honor I object! That other lawyer is saying stuff that makes my client look guilty
this woman in the target parking lot tossed her mcdonalds bag and drink out of her window but jokes on her she left her window down before going inside so I tossed that shit back in
*kermit plays slayer on his banjo. a marsh pit breaks out*
Yelling out the answers to Blues clues to absolutely own my 4 year-old and his know-it-all friends.
“An apple a day keeps the doctor away” even works on PhDs if you have a decent fastball
When you stub your toe but there are kids around.
7: can we have an awake-over tonight?
me: an awake-over?
7: it’s like a sleepover but without the sleep
Even though she’s not Native American, my Wife always sends smoke signals to let me know when dinner is ready.
I wish this was real life…
“I know how to make an entrance.”
-guy who builds doors
Parents, raise your kids well, or they grow up to be like your coworkers.
Hundreds, nay thousands of movies about falling in love but only one movie about a beach that makes you old
I’m jealous that when an athlete gets injured it makes headlines. I need that kind of attention. “We at ESPN are reporting that Ron stubbed his toe on a table and when he went to look at it he hit his head on the table”
Nothing says you’re a parent like being jealous of a tree because it’s all alone.
Seriously joggers?! You’re gonna run and carry on a conversation at the same time?
And I’m all outta breath just finishing this McMuffin!!!