My evil clone:[pointing to me] Shoot HIM, he’s the clone
Friend:[aims at the clone] The REAL Alex would never pass up an opportunity to die
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If GMOs can make hundred pound tomatoes why don’t I have a pet teacup elephant yet?
not seeing the problem
RABBIT HUSBAND: You look even better after a full day of work. I don’t know how you do it, honey.
RABBIT WIFE: They test cosmetics on me.
Look for the opportunities in life. Like when nobody’s looking and you can finally address that wedgie.
CURRENT MOOD: righteously angry, but there’s a cat on my lap
Driving is great because it combines my love of sitting with my love of being mad
People who have to keep a phone charger in the bathroom; have you heard of shredded wheat and raisin bran?
People whose TL is only quotes from famous people—You do realize you’re not a desk calendar, right?
Me: How are you?
Neighbor: Can’t complain.
You?Me: I can and do.
Bread: For when you want to wrap your food with other food, then eat it.
me: this cat is kissing me on the lips because it LOVES me
cat: mother’s lips taste perpetually of bacon
Interviewer: Your resume appears to have a few holes in it
Me: Yeah that would be from the ferrets
I’m not one to kink shame but I just found out my boyfriend has a new fetish for sleeping with other women.
ME: how much for the Oompa Loompas?
HER: what? they’re not for sale!
ME: this is preposterous
HER: no, this is a daycare
Jack: hello, beans
Beans: hello, Jack
-Jack and the beans talk
Just found some of Moo Deng’s old tweets and woof it’s not looking good
I don’t need all of these heat advisory warnings on my phone. I’ve been outside. I have skin. I know.
[camping]
me: why can’t i find any animals
wife: the wildlife is very conservative here
deer: climate change is a myth
“Ok folks who ordered the macaroni & bees?”
“you mean cheese?”
[waiter struggling to keep bowl covered]
“that does make more sense actually”
I told my kid what we’re having for dinner, and she replied, “Man, I just can’t win today.” She turned into a 47-year-old guy with a mortgage and lower back pain right before my eyes.
I don’t sit on the floor without a detailed plan on how to get back up
Me [sobbing uncontrollably]: why did you say that?
My favorite meteorologist: I honestly thought it would be a nice da—
Me: I WORE SHORTS BECAUSE OF YOU!!!
She said she wanted to bump uglies. So, naturally, I got all showered & freshened up and then I rammed my Ford Pinto into her Honda Element.
6 month checkup…
Doctor: You don’t look so good. Do you smoke or drink alcohol?
Me: I drink it.
When the Eagles wrote the lyric “We are all just prisoners here, of our own device,” they weren’t kidding.
Posted from my iPhone
Woke up at 6 & went for a jog before hitting the gym for an hour. Now I’m back home, making up a bunch of absolute bullshit about my morning
For pride month you can’t say “let me get this straight…”, you have to say “just so we’re queer…”
When people try to debate me online I’m just going to suggest they read a book I make up and that doesn’t exist