Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Snow White succumbs to avian influenza as a message against the laziness of magically hiring animals to complete household chores.

I don’t normally like to brag about expensive trips but I just got back from the grocery store, getting gas, and signing my kids up for summer camp.

The letter n always has to be the centre of attention.

Im making a fortune promoting home security systems.All I do is say “Hello”.At 3 in the morning sitting at the end of their bed.

The rare times my cat comes to me for affection, I run and hide under the bed, so she knows what that feels like.

scared to check what name she chose

Those 5 donuts I ate are really going to give me an extra boost during my workout today.

North Korea is officially named the Democratic People’s Republic of Korea. That’s like naming a prison The Fun Time Slumber Party Facility.

Me (a pediatrician): *hands your baby a disassembled carburetor* Let’s test his motor skills

I always tell my kids that it’s ok to make mistakes just as long as you learn how to blame them on other people.

[dog wedding]

[Bride throws bouquet into crowd]

[Groom catches it, gives it back to Bride]

[Bride throws bouquet again]

[Groom catches..

Ugh.
“What’s wrong honey?”
My bad knee is acting up again.
*knee robs a gas station*

I stop strangers from talking by smelling their hair & saying,”You smell like Pa. Pa loved his wood chipper. Never did find them drifters.”

My fiancee knows that I would kill for her, and it’s really annoying that she hasn’t asked me to yet.

At what age do you tell your child Alexa isn’t real?

7-year-old: I found a penny.

Me: Good job.

7: How many more do I need for college?

Go on vacation so you can discover the earliest time that your kids will ever wake up

Age 17: I can’t wait to travel the world!

Age 37: Feeling kind of adventurous. Might go to the “good” grocery store 15 miles away.

turns out Xenophobia is not ‘A fear of Warrior Princesses’

Nothing like that magical moment when you find your 7yo playing quietly in his room, ‘cause he just brought in real bugs to feed his imaginary lizard.

[ Medical Website to retrieve your STD test results ]

**SIGN IN WITH FACEBOOK**

“Why is your name listed first?”
“We’ve discussed this.”
“Explain it to me one more time.”
“They’re alphabetical.”

DM from account I don’t follow: “Hi”

Click on account

Follows – 7
Followers – 0
Tweets – 0
Retweets – 0
AVI – Pretty girl

Me: Okay, I can work with this.

Of course I don’t have any skeletons in my closet

I know how to dissolve bones I’m not an amateur

“That’s horrible ! I’m never getting married !”

– My 9yo, after I told her my wife and I no longer surprise each other with gifts, we just tell each other what we want

Honestly, guys. I’ve got a fox stuck in my washing machine. WHAT THE ACTUAL FOX

the Oscars should show a clip of an actor in their movie AND THEN another clip of what the actor’s like in real life so we can see just how much they acted

Annoyance rankings:
1. bothersome
2. pet peeve
3. me watching people carrying obviously empty coffee cups on TV

If zombies eat brains, 90% of Twitter is safe.

Kid, if you don’t know whether your Batman costume is pre or post reboot continuity, you don’t deserve candy. Also, Batman doesn’t cry.