[spelling bee]
JUDGE: Your word is walk
“Walk. W-A-L-K. Walk”
JUDGE: [pulls off mask to reveal he is a dog] I KNEW IT! *glares at owner*
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If I had known “cuties” were little oranges when my wife asked me to “bring a few home,” I could have avoided these awkward introductions.
Jack Ryan, Jack Reacher…
Maybe it’s time we gave someone named Jerry a chance to solve a murder
*Superman put glasses on Mt. Rushmore faces*
Lois Lane: “What the heck?? Who are those people up there?”
Her: I don’t even know what the cloning machine does
Me: Well that makes two of us
periods should last only 15 mins. like thanks for letting me know im not pregnant, now you can leave the doors that way.
Newton taught us that a body at rest will remain at rest, a body in motion will remain in motion, and that figs taste good in cookies
The two places we often associate with the word ‘committed’ are in reference to insane asylums, and murder.
No surprise that a third place is with relationships.
i’ve been laughing at this for 5 mins
ME: we have a problem, karen invited us to a coldplay concert
HER: nice i love coldplay
ME: ok we have two problems
i noticed you didn’t put interpretive dance on your gift registry but i went ahead and got it for you anyways
Wife: how much did it cost to rent that bouncy castle?
Me: I dunno. Buying it wasn’t cheap tho
That second sandwich was a mistake.
– me, making a third sandwich
“Red Hot Riding Hood” (1943)
A sequence so famous (or infamous, if you’re the censors) that it’s been replicated, homaged or outright ripped off in countless pieces of animation. The reaction shots of the Wolf are still as funny as they were 80 years ago.
My 6yo fell over today because he was distracted by watching some construction work happening across the street and I didn’t even see how he fell because I was distracted by watching some construction work happening across the street
Hello 911?
“What’s your emergency?”
You work in a building?
“Yes”
Inside?
“Yes WHAT’S YOUR EM-”
So you’re saying 911’s an inside job?!
Another previously unknown dinosaur was the Thesaurus who used flowery language to confuse and disorient predators while he made his escape
I heard that #TheDress debate has already destroyed 18 relationships. These people probably shouldn’t be breeding anyway.
What does it mean when your therapist throws up into the trash can, not once, but twice during your session?
Lobsters: grabby hands
Mobsters: stabby hands
made the mistake of believing my kid when he said he didn’t want me to buy him cheesy bread
who wants to come over and snake my drain this weekend?
(this is not a euphemism I am standing in two inches of bathwater)
Her: It’s so sweet of you to cook for me. What are you making?
Me: It’s a special family seafood dish named after my grandmother. It’s called ClamLydia.
Her: I forgot. I already ate.
I would seriously recommend whatever that third pill was I just took.
As soon as I finish building this trebuchet, I, too, shall be a flight risk
For years I thought the ghost in my house was trying to scare me, turns out he was just booing my awful jokes
Women prefer to become ghosts in the afterlife because WE’RE NOT DONE WITH YOU YET
I still close the bathroom door when I’m home alone bc I don’t want the murderer to break in and see me on the toilet.
Look, we don’t expect animals to be nice to strangers right away when they meet them, they need to sniff you to out a little bit to decide if you’re okay or not…. So how come when I do it people are like “Oh, she’s being weird again”
My son asked for help with his math homework as we pulled into the school parking lot.
Then I laughed & laughed & told him to get out.
me: I invited my boss to dinner
her: I thought you hated him
me: I didn’t have any choice
my boss: should I leave?