Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

When I was a kid, I wanted to be Stephen Hawking. Now that he’s dead, that feeling is even stronger

MOST RESTAURANTS:

Waiter: “Have you dined with us before?”
You: “No.”
Waiter: “Oh! Well, (*proceeds to describe a normal restaurant*)”

Raise your hand if you’ve ever tried to breathe quieter while walking up a hill so strangers didn’t call 911 to put you on life support

At Starbucks:
It’s Bryan with a “y”
(3 minutes later)
“Venti Iced Vanilla Latte for Briany!”

I dropped my iPhone under the bed once so I get it, moms that lift cars off their babies, I get it.

FRIEND: Weighted blankets are great for anxiety

INTERNET: Weighted blankets are great for anxiety

DOCTORS: Weighted blankets are great for anxiety

ME: [trapped & unable to escape from a weighted blanket] Well, I do feel anxious

My 7yo made a bed for his new stuffed giraffe on a windowsill, covering him with a bath towel.

I asked why the giraffe couldn’t just sleep with him in his bed, and I don’t have it in me to debate his reply:

“He’s a giraffe. He won’t fit in a bed.”

Just got unfollowed by exorcist scary looking lady with crazy eyes who has “will get in cars with strangers” in her bio. I’m hiding……..

I hate when people say “you always want what you don’t have” like that’s really insightful and not just explaining the definition of “want.”

WIFE: You forgot my birthday again didn’t you?

ME: [putting wrapping paper round the cat] Goddammit, I told you not to turn round yet Janet

Plagiarism is bad? Change a few words, that shit is yours. It’s like when you change a baby’s clothes- new baby. New baby that’s yours now.

[ quarantine, day 46 ]

me: this boredom is unbearable

my cat: ffs have you even tried getting into a box too smol for you

why just edible underwear? why not an entire edible wardrobe? i wanna eat a parka off my wife before sex

Friday The 13th is only a horror movie if you care about teenagers.

Stickiest things in the world:
3) Lollipops
2) Glue
1) Children’s library books

I’m learning how to do weight training by lifting dogs. I picked up a few pointers yesterday

HELLO COWORKER THAT I HAD NOT SPOKEN TO UNTIL I DREW THEIR NAME IN OFFICE SECRET SANTA PLEASE ENJOY THIS DEEPLY INTIMATE GIFT OF AN AMAZON GIFT CARD

You can have a child or you can have a phone charger. You can’t have both.

Regrettably, we are forced to raise the price of our products and services due to the reason that we want to

I put some doughnuts, ice cream, and snickers bars in my blender for dessert tonight, so yeah-I juice.

I congratulated a friend on his new baby on IG & his wife immediately sent me a message asking how I knew him.

I was his Sunday school teacher 25 years ago. Calm down, Brittany.

Spending this evening saving Princess Zelda, because Princess Zelda has never ‘accidentally’ hooked up with her Sociology T.A. while abroad.

Some say Obama is the biggest liar of all time..
I say, the person who chose the spelling of, “Colonel” is the biggest liar of all time

Matthew McConaughey walks into a bakery…

Matthew: “Can I get three loaves of bread please?”

Baker: “What type do you want sir?”

Matthew: “All rye, all rye, all rye.”

Two words have helped me open a lot of doors in my life. Push and Pull.

Tinder, but it’s an app that you and your wife have for local restaurants, when you both swipe on a match, that’s were you go for dinner.

I’m not sure who’s more drunk, me or the guy wearing my wife’s clothes standing in the mirror.

A lot of people are shocked to learn that I’m still single. Especially my wife.

If the Bing chatbot isn’t called Chandler, then what’s the point of anything anymore.

[On a date]
Him: I’m really into cars.
Me: [Trying to impress] oh yeah me too
Him: Oh nice! What’s your favorite kind?
Me: [Panicking] red