Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Welcome to Twitter, apparently everyone here is a fire expert.

I am eternally grateful that Twitter doesn’t have an “is online now” indicator

[First date]

Date: so you’re profile said you’re a big Taylor Swift fan. You must like her a lot.

Me (74 feet tall): I like her a moderate amount

If I ever only have 3 months to live, I want my ex wife to be with me. That would be the longest 3 months of my life.

i’d imagine the sound of clowns having sex would just be a cacophony of bicycle horns

You don’t shave your legs for a couple days and all of a sudden everyone’s all like way to pop the inflatable pool mom

This is my bus stop.

My kids asked me where dinner is? Oh shit, was that today?

Make me an entire website @funTweeters!

I keep a length of dental floss inside my perpetually furrowed brow.

[superfriends lunch]

BATMAN: There’s an underwater nuclear threat

SUPERMAN: Aquaman, go!

AQUAMAN: [stares at watch] Gotta wait 30 minutes

Can’t. Typing a password into a tv.

bought a pair of yoga pants to motivate myself to run faster so no one sees me wearing this shit

“I’ll do it after I’m dead”

People that don’t know how death works.

On the last picture day I sent my kids to school in nice button up shirts thinking I had things covered but I just got the proofs which are all full body shots showing their sweatpants and dirty sneakers

confronts reality

pokes it in the eye

“Trust your gut” ok first of all my gut wants pizza 24 hours a day

Throwing it back to 3 weeks ago today, when I came home for lunch…and I’m still here.

Sure, I could live a pious life so St. Peter lets me through the Pearly Gates. Or I could just crawl under the gate since IT SITS ON A CLOUD

Vin Diesel memes still relevant? Ok.

Whenever I see an unsecured WiFi, I just assume it’s owned by a chimpanzee sitting in a room and hitting a keyboard with a hammer.

Scientist: You left the cage open and 349 frogs escaped.
Me: I guess I FROGOT 🙂
Scientist: *rubbing bridge of nose* They were poisonous.

I’ll take ‘Liars’ for $500, Alex
“Sorry that’s not-”
Who is Karen?
“Sir-”
‘Cheaters’ for $1000
“Again that’s-”
*lips on mic* Who is Karen?

If your 78 year old grandpa called his new girlfriend a free spirit, you’d change all his passwords.

Even though he murders a lot of people, you can tell Freddie Kruger is a fun loving guy cause he goes by Freddie and not Fred or Frederick

I knew this day would come. It’s on my calendar

Burglar: [smashes window]
Burglar: [comes into house]
Burglar: [steals electronics]
Burglar: [steals furniture]
Burglar: [steals jewelry]
Burglar: [ransacks bedrooms]
Burglar: [opens package of cheese]

My dog [appearing from nowhere]: hey, what you got there?

My 6 year old found the duct tape and now nothing in my house moves.

Setting my alarm for April Fools day so I remember not to trust my loved ones, and finally have a reason for it.