Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[home depot guy going through my list] these are all the things from the game Mouse Trap

A small tragedy.

[putting on wedding dress]

me: I feel like I’m making a big mistake

maid of honor: yes the bride should be wearing that

*sees girl at bar*
Hey baby, wanna get outta here?
“Sure!”
Good, you’re really killing the vibe.

The whole “Hugs, Not Drugs” campaign was so stupid because, back when I did drugs, I can assure you, there was so much hugging going on…

BREAKING: First satellite photo of the “ultra-cool dwarf star”

I once drove a girl home from the pub and she spent the entire time messing with my car radio and changing the music then she said we should hang out sometime and I said “absolutely not”

*takes bite of Pringle* yes *nods at date then waiter* we’ll have the tube

Me: *buying 50lb bag of chicken food*

Cashier: Do you have chickens?

applebees is a word that starts off pretty tame but takes a dangerous twist

[World War One]

Private Hitler: “How can I make this more about me?”

I thought I saw a spider on the floor…Turns out it was a paper clip.
It’s dead now.
No need to panic.

I should have seen this breakup coming…. The nicest thing she ever said to me was,
“Oh wow, that car almost hit you.”

Wife: Why did the little mermaid wear seashells?

Me: Because she was too small for D-shells.

Wife:………………….

Me: Threesome?
Wife: When pigs fly!

Do I wish for flying pigs?

Pro: Threesome
Con: High bacon prices

*has idea
*starts building catapult

“I’m an animal in the bedroom.”

you like when people scratch your belly?

“So how did you get into Classical Music?”
Me:

Why is “Dark” spelled with a K, and not a C ?

Because you can’t C in the dark.

*Flirting before having kids*
Me: [sends her pic of my naked body]

*Flirting after having kids*
Me: [sends her pic of our bed with freshly changed sheets]

Me: [buckling 3yo into car seat] You can’t have a popsicle in the car. You’ll get messy and sticky.

3yo: *ear-shattering screams*

Me: Good point. How many do you want?

(Seeing two guys i don’t like) Hey, get a load of Tweedle Dee and Tweedle Dum over there Lol. (Third guy joins) Wow, a meeting of the minds! (Fourth guy) Think Tank alert! Look out! (Fifth) It’s the Marketplace of ideas

I keep getting questions about whether or not I’m actually running for president. The answer is yes. And on top of that, I’m holding a knife, so I’m running even faster than all the other candidates.

Interviewer: Under “work history” it just says “content creator.” Care to elaborate on that?

Victor Frankenstein: No.

Boss: Are you high?
[Me watching him evaporate] I hope so.

Sorry, Tim. The Zoom meeting gods demand a sacrifice and you have the most annoying voice in the department.

Ugh I hate living next to an art school I dragged an old couch outside and a bunch of dudes came over and they’re just taking pictures of it

Twitter is composed of all the kids who used to giggle in sex ed

closure is a myth invented by big yearning to sell more sad

So now they say Vaccinated People can Gather in Groups of 8 with No Issues but I don’t Know 8 People with No Issues.