My ex bf used to call me queen of the worms when I was being lazy and he meant that I was an enormous worm that wouldn’t get out of bed but I always heard it as like, I am an earthen goddess one with the soil, worms for hair, command of all wormkind
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SATAN: welcome to hell
ME: thanks
SATAN: it says here that you were sent down by heaven for *squints at piece of paper* updog. What’s updog?
ME: JUST OWNING THE PRINCE OF DORKNESS WHAT’S UP WITH YOU
*jesus appears and high fives me*
Pooping on the clock is the small-scale revolt of the working class in preparation for the people’s revolution.
My wife calls it “silent treatment”. I call it “attractive disagreement period”.
My friends are fully aware that our designated meeting times are rough estimates.
I’m like the hottest girl on this elevator.
Never mind, someone else just got on.
[on road trip]
Me: I AM NOT turning this car around
Son: *cries*
Me: Nope. No way.[45 min later]
Me: *walks out of house holding Mr. Teddy Bear*
Mispronouncing words is kind of my forty
Apologies about the delay to the 16:10 to Alicante. We’re just waiting for one 3D printed part, but apparently a ‘fuselage’ takes a little time.
Donald Trump is like the “Scream” movies in that he blurs the line between comedy and horror.
Kids today will never know the struggle of flipping a cassette tape in a Walk-Man will riding on a bicycle at the same time.
It took 3 employees to help me complete “self-checkout” today.
In high school I was voted Most Likely to Be Shot Dead While Trying to Steal Something of Moderate Value From a Texan.
doctor: what seems to be the problem
t-rex: I cant feel my legs
doctor: go on
t-rex: because I’ve got little arms
doctor: get out
Judge: how do you plead?
Me: like this 🙏
God gives his toughest battles* to his strongest soldiers.
*I have to log back into Hulu on my TV.
The best way to save money on dental floss is by having your dentist remove every second tooth so your toothbrush fits between the gaps, instead.
Tune in tomorrow for another secret the Illuminati don’t want you to know.
Wanted to listen to my audiobook, but didn’t want to get up out of bed & find headphones so my brain was like ugh, there should be closed captions you can turn on so you can listen to the story silently
If you don’t know the right way to bend your knees and lower yourself for exercise purposes then you don’t know squat.
Going to open a Vietnamese restaurant and name it Viet Nom Nom Nom.
I spent a lot of my childhood worrying about wearing red clothes and being chased by cows
When my tween pisses me off I like to blow off steam by taking my pet modem for a walk.
I’m not saying I don’t miss my kids while I’m at work but it’s nice knowing with absolute certainty that for the eight hours I’m there no one will try to follow me into the bathroom.
Me: So how do you want me to drop you off for your first day of middle school?
11: Just pull up and act cool.
Me: I don’t have to “act” cool, so I got this.
11: Daddy …
Me: Got it. Just be me.
11: DO NOT JUST BE YOU!
I have absolutely no problem following the juice diet for 3 days. You can fit a pizza in the juicer right?
I hate grocery shopping. That’s why I just steal a full cart when somebody turns away. I never know what I’m getting, but it sure is faster.
[English class]
Her: I’m never sure how to properly use a colon
Me [trying to impress her]: *poops*
*Whispers in random chicks ear
“I have pizza in the van”
Said hello to someone, they didn’t hear me, immediately assumed it was some sort of sixth sense situation
[Restaurant]
“Good evening sir, would you like to hear the specials?”
Yes please
“THIS TOWN (AHH AHHH) IS COMIN LIKE A GHOST TOWN”
Me: I love you
7yo: I love you too
Me: l love you to infinity
7yo: I love you to infinity too
Me: l love you more than ice cream
7yo:
7yo: what flavor?