My ex bf used to call me queen of the worms when I was being lazy and he meant that I was an enormous worm that wouldn’t get out of bed but I always heard it as like, I am an earthen goddess one with the soil, worms for hair, command of all wormkind
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person on twitter: I’m being attacked right now!
me (played a lot of Age of Empires 2 in my formative years): im sending you some crossbowmen
“Are you fine being hugged while you pee?” is a question someone should’ve asked me before I had kids.
You can learn a lot about your kids by simply turning off the TV and talking. For example I discovered that mine are really boring.
New poster I stuck up at my local train station. I’m looking forward to catching up with everyone.
There has to be a better way for smoke detectors to say hey, the battery is low. Currently, they strike in the middle of the night like a serial killer, playing a twisted game of which one of the seven in the house needs immediate attention, taunting us with its three chirps.
I bet the worst part about being a birthday cake is when you’re set on fire, and then eaten by the hero that saved you.
ME: I could use an espresso to sober up a bit, do you want anything from this Starbucks?
DRIVING TEST INSTRUCTOR: no
How much wood would a woodchuck chuck if a woodchuck knew his existence was futile & all his loved ones were going to die one day?
I first experienced deep shame and humiliation when my mom told me I should probably start saying “train” instead of “choo-choo train” while I was still at the tender age of 27.
Single: We do it like rabbits
Married: I submitted the proper request form but haven’t heard back yet
Where on LinkedIn do I add my current gang memberships
[me, at Hot Topic] ah yes, bring me your hottest topics, my good man
Me, a kid: wonders how they get jelly into jelly donuts
Me, an adult: wonders why they don’t put vodka into jelly donuts
Tonight I ate Cheetos for dinner, watched Rugrats, and played Mario Kart…if you’re in to mature women
May we all have the confidence of my 9y/o who told his father after a week of playing ymca soccer…“Well, I’m pretty much 40% as good as Messi now…”
Wife: WHY are the boys wearing fishnet stockings?
Me: You SAID they needed to learn how to Cher.
9 out of 10 times, if you call the 1-800 number printed on a consumer product, the person who answers won’t tell you what they’re wearing.
The first Ron is always Ron. Any Rons who come after are automatically MoreRons. I don’t know why HR sees it otherwise.
Interviewer: what would you say if I said you talk too much.
Me:
Interviewer:
Me:
Them: Hey girl what’s your sign
Me: McDonalds Open 24 hours
[Michael Cera being repeatedly asked by a librarian to speak up]
Chin up divorced people; lots of us smug married parents envy your 50/50 custody agreement.
Me: Is that a Yeti cooler?
Yeti: *flicks cigarette* Cooler than what?
Every work call, he judges.
I don’t want the baby mountain goat to die but I don’t want the snow leopard to starve. Why do we even watch these nature shows?
God: make a thing where humans blow mucus out of their face at 500 mph..
Angel: .. we’ll call it a sneeze
God: … fine. But make sure they do it AT LEAST three times in a row
Why did the new psychology student eat their textbook?
Because the professor said it was a piece of cake!
😂
I saw a man running and started to panic that there was a fire or a bear and then I remembered that some people just do that.
I have this theory that if I use cash money to pay for food I’m not actually spending my money because it doesn’t decrease the number in my bank account.. I realize that this is inaccurate, but I will continue to think this way so that I feel better about my poor life decisions
Finally got the “Josh Duggar is good” neck tattoo I’ve wanted for years, now let me just read today’s news as I take a large sip of water…