Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

What if I just start doing things that make me happy? Nahhhh can’t dispose of that many dead bodies.

Please don’t ruin it for me by saying, “You don’t know where that’s been,” when I find something cool on the ground.

First date:

And if you could slide over a little bit my Mom would like to sit next to you…

the look on his face when he realizes he’s being watched is absolutely adorable
(jukin media)

Oh sure, when the Fonz uses a public bathroom as his office, he’s “cool”, but when I do it, I’m a “creep”.

For the last time eating highlighters will not give you night vision

I miss being a baby and having milestones. No one cares if you’re an adult and can lift your head or roll over on a blanket.

Him: Will you marry me?

Me: omg what did I do, why don’t you want to have sex with me anymore?

An airbag is just a pillow that punches you in the face

friend: want to go swimming?

me: *eating biscuits and gravy* no

I better not wake up later and find out stuff is still happening.

It’s not drinking alone if you’re stuck in traffic

[the long awkward silence between me and my date is suddenly broken by the sound of toast popping out the toaster]
me: “dinner is served”

‘How many lights do you wanton?”

“It’s too bright, can you dimsum?”

~ Chinese chefs setting the mood.

Instruments were designed to be actually played, not “air played,” Kirk.

Person: “Why are you in a wheelchair?”

Me [from my wheelchair]: “My jet pack is in the shop.”

My GPS thinks we should see other drivers.

Online dating is like having your option to date anyone inside of a Walmart

I know a mortician with such a casual approach to his work he uses informaldehyde

first time homeowner question. how much fog is supposed to be coming from my basement?

Sometimes I sit on my hand till it’s numb so it feels like someone else is googling my name

[plastic surgeon holds mirror up to my face]
ME: What happened!? I’m a monster!
DOCTOR: We had to postpone your surgery.

*At the couch store

“How many loads of laundry does this one hold?”

A screensaver for my face when someone has been talking too long.

can’t wait for this corona thing to blow over and I can stop washing my hands again

[watching Tangled with my Daughter]

Daughter: dada

Me: yes?

Daughter: do you think Rapunzel buys her shampoo at Costco?

Me: I mean-I do now.

*Mom Godzilla calls Godzilla during the morning*
Mom Godzilla: Are you eating your cities? Belfast is the most important meal of the day.

The only thing I want written on my tombstone is “I’m standing right behind you.”

My girlfriend just explained to me that people can’t actually go through black holes, and now I don’t really care about space anymore.