My ex boyfriend listens to Christmas music year round and that’s not even the worst thing about him.
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My glasses are broken but I’ve got a glasses repair kit except I can’t find it because my glasses are broken
If you love someone, set them free. If they come back with two police officers, you’ll know that setting them free was a bad idea.
I just tried to groom my dog myself, and I now fully understand why the dog groomer charges more for a haircut than my own stylist.
Pro tip- stick AirTags on your kids before you hit up the corn maze this year and you can drink spiked cider in peace.
Nobody:
4-year-old: Can I call people peasants at school?
Imitation is the sincerest form of crabmeat.
Snowboarding in Japan hits differently.
Adulthood is leaving the house, then two minutes later try to remember whether you locked the front door.
His icy glare melts my creamy core. He’s so cold, beads of water drip down his exterior. My walls ache to be drowned by him.
-Oreo to milk
Couldn’t find my credit card while in line at the market.
*panic sets in.
Then I remember…yesterday I gave it to my daughter to pick up take-out….So she still has it.
*extreme panic sets in
Kids be like I can’t eat any more bites at dinner and then shockingly have room for 7 cookies.
“Cake by the Ocean” probably has some alternate meaning but I’m too old to really care so I like to think it’s about a nice, young fellow eating birthday cake on the beach.
Instead of a condom i keep a moist towelette in my wallet because i run into buffalo wings alot more often than sex
Say goodbye to unsightly carpet stains by strategically repositioning your furniture.
I was thinking of becoming self employed but due to cutbacks I can’t afford to hire me right now.
HER: OMG Thats not going to fit
HIM: Just relax. I’ll go slow
HER: If you’re sure…
HIM: [severely damages surrounding cars while parking]
If we put aside our differences and work together, I truly believe we can come up with a few more alternate spellings of the name Britney.
For International Women’s Day, I’d like to recognize my sister wife. Without her I’d have to manage my kids’ timeouts and nag my husband all by myself. Thank you, Alexa.
Bit chilly again tonight.
Me: *reading article about woman with brain worm* “Oh my god, gross!”
My brain worm: “I know! Yuck!”
Just put bacon grease in my wax warmer and now Matha Stewart is calling me for tips
Sir, I cannot take you seriously. You’re wearing capris. Capris. CAPRIS.
Me: Why do you love me?
Wife: *shrugs*
Me: Why do you find me annoying?
Wife: *reveals six spreadsheets and a pie chart*
if adults evolved from babies, why are there still babies?
*brings pen to sword fight*
Me: ‘This ending kinda writes itself.’
“When I tell you that it’s time to get out of the pool, it means that it’s time to get out of the pool.”
Everyone Who Runs A Red Light: A**hole, piece of shit, danger to everyone, should be arrested, ugly
You Running Red Light: Unavoidable, intersection is stupid, on your way to save orphans, totally cute
Two days after I bring my newborn daughter home from the hospital:
22 month old son: When’s she going back?
Me: Back where?
Son: To her house at the hospital.
Me: She lives with us now.
Son: Mommy, you’re not making
good choices.
ME: Michaelangelo painted the Sistine Chapel on his back?
GF: Yep
M: [2 hours later] How did he reach the bit between his shoulders?
Today my toddler is crying because he doesn’t have his stuffed animal. That he put in the fridge. And yelled at me for trying to take it out.