My ex boyfriend listens to Christmas music year round and that’s not even the worst thing about him.
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Both her name and her living situation suggests that the dwarves MAY have been referring to Snow White when they sang, ‘high ho.’
If you tell me your deepest, darkest secrets, I promise I won’t tell anyone. Unless it will make me look important or interesting or funny.
Confidence is sexy. Arrogance is not.
Just a friendly reminder folks.
Don’t forget to set back your rooster this weekend.
no mom you don’t get it I used “you’re” instead of “your” as a joke to be ironic on the internet. yes I realize it makes me look silly. no mom colleges don’t care about that. they aren’t gonna look at my twitter. ok. ok yes I understand. im sorry I’ll delete it. I love you too
Hey girl, heaven must be missing an angel….cause it looks like you ate one
Pro: My 3yo knows a little bit of Spanish.
Con: It’s the lyrics from Despacito.
Should I be worried that buzzards circle me when I go for a run?
HR said I’m no longer allowed to offer clients tea when they arrive
There…fixed it 🤣🤣🤣
I wish I had the confidence in humanity that Guinness had when they bought a 9,000 year lease.
[doing crunches]
Me: get it? ab solution?
Priest: so excommunicated
Thanksgiving regret: no one at dinner wanted to talk about why the family members on TV’s “Dinosaurs” were all different species of dinosaur
16yo [talking w friend]: fam that’s lit af, tell bae and the squad that it’s on fleek
PARENT: *calls 911* i think my kid’s having a seizure
“I’m not gay or anything.”-homophobic antimatter
Christmas day for delusional middle aged men who live online
[Girl takes off her clothes]
“You have had sex before right?”
[Me, in a suit of armor & holding a cauliflower]
…
“no actually”
Facilitator: Any questions about the sexual harrassment course before we start?
*raises hand*
Me: Is “harass” one word or two?
F:
Me: Thx
Parenting tip: From day one never cut a crust off a sandwich; your kids won’t know there’s any other way. Stay lazy, my friends.
“WATERMELON” HAS 4 SYLLABLES. “ILLUMINATI” HAS 5 SYLLABLES. THAT’S PRETTY CLOSE. WATERMELON IS ILLUMINATI.
*calls bullshit
Bullshit: Who gave you my number.
Mafia Boss: you’re gonna sleep with the fishes
Fishes: we’re not sleeping with this nerd
Me: um technically the plural is *fish*
*falls down a well*
*Lassie runs to the edge and peers down*
*me, yelling* TELL NO ONE, YOU BLABBERMOUTH DOG, I LIVE HERE NOW
Jesus Christ this website is exhausting I just want free healthcare and a president who doesn’t look directly at eclipses
Why the hell would I use turn signals? I know where we’re going.
Can’t believe anyone would attack this place
*serious situation*
My brain:
mozzarella stick implies the existence of a mozzarella tree
friend: have u seen garfield as spiderman?
me: omg not yet is there a tail hole in his suit??
friend: it’s andrew garf-
me: *nodding, sitting back down* andrew garfield
cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
me *tries to quietly open a can of beer*